Subject: Activities

I live in a two-income household… but who knows how long my mom can keep that up.

Jewish-American stand-up comedian & writer

How do you know if it's time to wash the dishes and clean your house?… look inside your pants and if you find a penis in there, it's not time.

(1957 – ) British stand-up comedian

The world is moving so fast these days that the man who says it can't be done is generally interrupted by someone doing it.

(1878 – 1969) clergyman

I’ve never had a problem with drugs… I’ve had problems with the police.

(1943 – ) English musician, songwriter & member of the Rolling Stones

I make no secret of the fact that I would rather lie on a sofa than sweep beneath it.

(1932 – ) British novelist & journalist

The slowest checker is always at the quick-check-out lane.

If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

The boomarang is Australia’s chief export (and then import.)

(1973 – ) American comedian

Housekeeping ain't no joke.

(1832 – 1888) novelist

Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

Nothing makes a smoker happier than to see an old person smoking.

(1961 – 1994) comedian

I thought about giving up smoking, but decided not to – I’m not a quitter.

(1972 – ) Irish stand-up comedian, voice over artist & actor

A family vacation is when you go away with the people you need to get away from.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

(1959 – ) Australian writer & television producer

Bulb: A potential flower buried in autumn, never to be seen again.

(1945 – ) American humorist (co-founder of National Lampoon)

Marijuana should be licensed and kept out of the hands of teenagers; it's too good for them.

(1927 – 1997) Am. comedian & satirist notable for mock presidential campaign

More Great Pantyhose Crafts

There are plenty of good five cent cigars in the country… the trouble is they cost a quarter.

(1881 – 1960) American columnist

Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.

(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor

Swimming isn’t a sport; it’s just a way to keep from drowning.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Set aside half an hour every day to do all your worrying; then take a nap during this period.