Subject: Age

At my age, patience is not a virtue… it’s a luxury.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

Barney: I think of you as experienced. In an emergency, you would be the first one that I’d call.
Fish: You should call me first. I need time to put my teeth in.

(1921 – ) American actor

The number of women a man find attractive is truly proportionate to his age.

Looking fifty is great – if you’re sixty.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

I’m at the age where I have to find my hearing aid to ask where my glasses are.

(1927 – ) magician & comedy writer

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator

I am in the prime of senility.

(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor

I never drank anything stronger than beer before I was twelve.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Puberty: The awkward age when a child is too old to say something cute and too young to say something sensible.

The trouble with young writers is that they are all in their sixties.

(1874 – 1965) English dramatist & novelist

Dinah [Shore] formed a foundation to locate missing senior citizens by putting their pictures on prune juice bottles.

(1919 – 2006) American comedian & actor

The comfort of turning 49 is the realization that you are now too old to die young.

Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.

(1926 – ) newspaper columnist

Young people should be helped, sheltered, ignored, and clubbed if necessary.

(1909 – 1979) American cartoonist (Li'l Abner)

I can tell I’m getting old because my Kindle is turning into a self-help library.

(1982 – ) American actress, stand-up comedian & writer

Teenagers: People who express a burning drive to be different by dressing alike.

I’m still going on bad dates, when by now I should be in a bad marriage.

(1969 – ) American actress, comedian, producer & writer

Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

By the time a man can afford to lose a golf ball, he can't hit it that far.

(1946 – 1994) writer & humorist

I don’t plan to grow old gracefully; I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

One time a guy handed me a picture of himself, and he said, "Here's a picture of me when I was younger" … every picture of you is of when you were younger.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian