Subject: Animals

A few cobras in your home will soon clear it of rats and mice… of course, you will still have the cobras.

(1884 – 1949) American humorist & literary critic

A hen is an egg's way of making another egg.

(1835 – 1902) English composer, author & satirist

I never said all actors are cattle; what I said was all actors should be treated like cattle.

(1899 – 1980) English filmmaker & producer

I never leave a dog alone in a car on a hot day… I make sure it’s with an elderly person holding a baby.

(1972 – ) stand-up comedian & actor

I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I’d get.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

It was a brave person who first looked at a cow and said, ‘I think I’ll just squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out.’

(1973 – ) English comedian, writer, actor, director & producer

Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Pitbulls are like a gun you can pet.

(1968 – ) American stand-up comedian

I just gave my cat a bath; now how do I get all this fur off my tongue?

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

Dogs are like penises… I enjoy my own, but I don't want to be touched by anyone else's.

American comedian

Zoo: A place of refuge where wild animals are protected from people.

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake – which I also keep handy.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

You might be a redneck if… your last year you hid yer kids' Easter eggs under cow pies.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

The nose of the bulldog has been slanted backwards so that he can breathe without letting go.

(1874 – 1965) British prime minister, politician, statesman & orator

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.

(1942 – ) humorist & radio broadcaster

Cat: A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Horses have four bits of lucky nailed to their feet; they should be the luckiest animals in the world.

(1962 – ) English stand-up comedian & actor

Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

I got a new dog… he’s a paranoid retriever; he brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer