Subject: Communication

Being powerful is like being a lady; if you have to tell people you are, you aren't.

(1925 – 2013) British prime minister & politician

Back in the day, Instagram just meant a really efficient drug dealer.

(1954 – ) English comedian writer

He was married to an acrobat, but she caught him in the act.

If you do big things they print your face, and if you do little things they only print your thumbs.

(1886 – 1969) American journalist & humorist

Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high-powered rifle and scope.

(1947 – ) author, humorist & satirist

I wrote a script and gave it to a guy that reads scripts, and he read it and said he really likes it, but he thinks I need to rewrite it; I said, f**k that, I’ll just make a copy.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Never characterize the importance of a statement in advance.

Economists are still trying to figure out why the girls with the least principle draw the most interest.

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out; when she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

There are worse things than getting a call for the wrong number at 4 a.m… it could be the right number.

(1926 – ) newspaper columnist

The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

A good storyteller is a person with a good memory and hopes other people haven't.

(1876 – 1944) American author, humorist & columnist

Graduation speeches were invented largely in the belief that college students should never be released into the world until they have been properly sedated.

(1948 – ) American cartoonist (Doonesbury)

The less you say, the less you have to take back.

I never lecture, not because I am shy or a bad speaker, but simply because I detest the sort of people who go to lectures and don't want to meet them.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

I was in a bookstore the other day and asked the woman behind the counter where the self-help section was; she said, “If I told you, that would defeat the whole purpose.”

comedian

Good things don’t end in ‘eum,’ they end in ‘mania’…or ‘teria’.

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Dan Castellaneta)

Whenever I get married, I start buying Gourmet magazine.

(1941 – 2012) American novelist, producer, screenwriter & director

I wish my first spoken word was 'Quote' so I could make my last word 'Unquote'.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Man was predestined to have free will.