Subject: Family

There is no reciprocity; men love women, women love children, children love hamsters.

Anna Haycraft (1932 – 2005) English writer & essayist

As a general thing, when a woman wears the pants in a family, she has a good right to them.

(1818 – 1885) humorist

I’m related to people I don’t relate to.

(1955 – ) cartoonist (Calvin and Hobbes)

With my old man I got no respect: I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

One of my grandfathers died when he was a little boy.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake; he told me, “Wait til it gets warmer.”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Kids say the darndest things.

(1912 – 2010) Canadian-born American radio & television personality & humorist

With Photoshop so readily available, there’s no reason ever to have a party for a two-year-old.

(1972 – ) stand-up comedian & writer

No child throws up in the bathroom.

Kids used to ask you where they came from – now they tell you where to go.

A gypsy girl sent an email to an [advice columnist] “I am 12 years old and haven’t had sex yet, do you think my brother is queer?”

(1942 – ) Scottish comedian, musician & actor

Any man that has never seen a baby emerge from another person’s body will walk around for months just going, ‘Oh my God; what else don’t I know about Planet Earth?’

(1955 – ) American actor, stand-up comedian & impressionist

From time to time, my mother puts on her wedding dress; not because she’s sentimental, she just gets really far behind on her laundry.

comedian

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

I was just surprised when my wife told me we were having a baby. I was like, “Wow, that’s awesome. You’re going to make a great single mom.”

(1966 – ) American actor, musician & comedian

Kids in back seats cause accidents, accidents in back seats cause kids.

Raised by two mothers? … Wow, most of us barely survive one.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

You have to remember: the wife has been home all day cleaning asses and feeding faces… sometimes the opposite.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter

Distant relatives are the best kind, and the further the better.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist

I am determined that my children shall be brought up in their father’s religion, if they can find out what it is.

(1775 – 1834) English critic & essayist

If I was playing third base and my mother rounded third with the winning run, I’d trip her up.

(1906 – 1991) American baseball player, coach & manager