Subject: Food/Drink

Marriage: A deal in which a man gives away half his groceries in order to get the other half cooked.

Do you know what I love most about baseball? … the pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt… and that’s just in the hot dogs.

(1947 – ) comedian & television host

Never order a drink where you get to keep the glass.

novelist, screenwriter & businessman

There can be nothing more frequent than an occasional drink.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet

This steak still has marks from where the jockey was hitting it.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I was so drunk last night I fell down and missed the floor.

(1917 – 1995) singer, actor & comedian

I bought myself a parrot, but it did not say “I’m hungry”, and so it died.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

I love Grape Nuts – except, lots of times, I forget to put milk on them the night before I want to eat them.

American cinematographer & television director

I practice when I’m loaded.

(1925 – 1985) American jazz saxophonist

What the F*@# Should I Make for Dinner?

A man shouldn’t fool with booze until he’s fifty; then he’s a damn fool if he doesn’t.

(1897-1962) American writer

Because you are feeding both the child and the floor, raising this child will be expensive.

(1937 – ) comedian & television actor

Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising… it was the only exercise I got.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell.

(1973 – ) English writer & stand-up comedian

I look like the wrath of grapes.

(1905 – 1974) radio comedian

Do you want a salad or fries? … That’s like asking, “Do you want to go for a jog or freebase cocaine?”

(1982 – ) American comedian, actor, writer & producer

Leonard: Why are you learning Chinese?

(1975 – ) American actor

No married man is genuinely happy if he has to drink worse whisky than he used to drink when he was single.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

I hate reality… but nevertheless, it’s still the only place to get a good steak.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Never program and drink beer at the same time.

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.

(1953 – ) American singer, songwriter, actor, author & radio personality