Subject: Health

My dentist found a new way to cover up his bad breath… he holds up his arms

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

If I had known the difference between the words 'antidote' and 'anecdote,' one of my good friends would still be living.

comedian

I recently had my annual physical examination, which I get once every seven years, and when the nurse weighed me, I was shocked to discover how much stronger the Earth's gravitational pull has become since 1990.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war.

I realized I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

A man walked into the doctor’s; the doctor said, ‘I haven’t seen you in a long time.' … The man replied, ‘I know, I’ve been ill.'

(1921 – 1984) British comedian & magician

I was nauseous and tingly all over… I was either in love or I had smallpox.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others; he gave me one with four cavities.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

You're looking for a lump in a bag of lumps… that can take some time.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer

I am dying from the treatment of too many physicians.

Alexander III (356 – 323 BC) King of Macedon

I told him he’d have a heart attack a year ago, but unfortunately he lived a year longer.

(1899 – 1985) Hungarian-born conductor & violinist

That guy ain’t been the same since he had that vasexomy.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)

The less we know about a disease, the more medicines are available to treat it.

It’s only the mercy of the Lord I ain’t had a stroke already – and a coronary trombonus in the bargain.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)

Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt?

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

Sometimes I think I tore all the ligaments in my head.

cartoon character, Peanuts (Charles Schulz, 1922 – 2000) creator & cartoonist

What do you mean, heart attack? … You’ve got to have a heart before you can have an attack.

(1906 – 2002) Austrian journalist, filmmaker, screenwriter & producer

People who say you're just as old as you feel are all wrong, fortunately.

(1925 – ) columnist & journalist

Bill Walton is incredible; if you drop a toothpick on his foot, he'll have a stress fracture.

American basketball coach

You know, the only difference between me and a surgeon or a pediatrician is that when I approach a couple with a child and say, ‘I’d like to keep him for a few days and do some bloodwork,’ it’s considered inappropriate.

(1969 – ) American actress, comedian, producer & writer

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d druther not.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist