Subject: Miscellaneous

Railroad time

Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you’re not supposed to drink and drive?

(1946 – ) American comedian

There were so many people in that place, you couldn't stir 'em with a stick.

In your life, you’ve got to eat a peck of dirt.

Not enough brains to give himself a headache!

My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage; I take that as a compliment.

You’re barking up the wrong tree.

There was probably an old Viking saying that said, “Ax in the head, early to bed; ax in the helmet, a friend of Helmut.”

Got a face like a mile of unpaved road.

You couldn't hit sand if you fell off a camel.

If your kid makes one of those little homemade guitars out of a cigar box and rubber bands, don’t let him just play it once or twice and then throw it away. Make him practice on it, every day, for about three hours a day. Later, he’ll thank you.

They live just a hoot and a holler down the road.

It's coming up a cloud.

When you’re riding in a time machine way far into the future, don’t stick your elbow out the window, or it’ll turn into a fossil.

Like a dose of salts through a widow woman.

I’d like to see a guy tap-dancing so fast his legs actually broke, because it would finally establish a “tap barrier,” and we could move on from there.

How many people have never raised their hand before?

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

Not blessed with beauty…

When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven; It might be a trick, but if it’s not, mmmm, boy.

Fixments

Uglier than the southbound end of a northbound donkey.