Subject: Money

Las Vegas is the oasis of outstretched palms.

English boxing journalist & commentator

I bought a million lottery tickets… I won a dollar.


Stress is your body's way of saying you haven't worked enough unpaid overtime.

(1957 – ) cartoonist (Dilbert)

He breathes through his nose to keep from wearing out his teeth.

My church accepts all denominations – fivers, tenners, twenties.

(1936 – 2005) Irish comedian

You might be a redneck if… your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

(1907 – 1987) journalist & columnist

Science is a wonderful thing if one does not have to earn one’s living at it.

(1879 – 1955) German-born physicist

Drive-in banks were established so most of the cars today could see their real owners.

American entrepreneur & author

Saving is a very fine thing; especially when your parents have done it for you.

(1874 – 1965) British prime minister, politician, statesman & orator

A luxury meal was prairie sandwiches – two slices of bread with wide-open spaces between them.

(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor

The most popular labor-saving device today is still a husband with money.

(1911 – 1999) comedian, author & columnist

I've had ample contact with lawyers, and I'm convinced that the only fortune they ever leave is their own.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter

Rich people are just like us though they now eat their meals off square shaped plates.

(1970 –) American stand-up comedian

Auditors always reject any expense account with a bottom line divisible by five or ten.

You can make a lot of money in this game; just ask my ex-wives; both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.

(1942 – ) American professional golfer

A large income is the best recipe for happiness I ever heard of.

(1775 – 1817) English novelist

The poor and ignorant will continue to lie and steal as long as the rich and educated show them how.

(1856 – 1915) writer, publisher, artist & philosopher

There is nothing more demoralizing than a small but adequate income.

(1895 – 1972) writer and literary & social critic

I remember sitting down with the Rockets and saying, 'Yeah. I'm going to retire.' They said, 'Well, we'll give you $9 million.' And I said, 'You got a pen on you?'

(1963 – ) American professional basketball player & sports personality

If writers were good businessmen, they'd have too much sense to be writers.

(1876 – 1944) American author, humorist & columnist