Subject: People

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

(1965 – ) comedian, actor, screenwriter, television producer & director

Communism doesn't work because people like to own stuff.

(1940 – 1993) composer, guitarist, record producer & film director

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

I was born in 1962… and the room next to me was 1963.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

I want a man who’s kind and understanding; is that too much to ask of a millionaire?

(1917 – 2016) Hungarian-born American actress

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence… sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

(1956 – ) American comedian

It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument.

(1863 – 1941) U.S. senator (California) & U.S. Secretary of the Treasury

With my ol’ man, I got no respect. He told me to start at the bottom. He was teaching me how to swim.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I’ve been to all 50 states, and traveled this whole country, and 90 percent of the people are good folks; the rest of them take after the other side of the family.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

In the 1950's only seven percent of American women dyed their hair; today there are parts of Manhattan and Los Angeles where there are no gray-haired women at all.

(1941 – 2012) American novelist, producer, screenwriter & director

Nature gave man two ends – one to sit on and one to think with; ever since then man’s success or failure has been dependent on the one he used most.

(1867 – 1937) American anti-militarist writer & political activist

There are no exceptions to the rule that everybody likes to be an exception to the rule.

(1933 – ) American telejournalist

A libertarian is just a Republican who takes drugs.

(1951 – ) American anarchist writer

The French drink to get loosened up for an event, to celebrate and event, and even to recover from an event.

French commission of alcoholism

Gay people got a right to be as miserable as everybody else.

(1965 – ) comedian, actor, screenwriter, television producer & director

Whatever women do, they must do it twice as well as men to be thought half as good.

There are more fools in the world than there are people.

(1797 – 1856) German critic & poet

I spend three minutes every day choosing a TV channel to leave on for my dog; then I go to work, and people take me seriously as an adult.

American comedian

If you believe the past can't be changed, you haven't read a celebrity's autobiography.

(1920 – 2001) American writer & humorist

Associate with well-mannered persons and your manners will improve; run with decent folk and your own decent instincts will be strengthened; keep the company of bums and you will become a bum; hang around with rich people and you will end by picking up the check and dying broke.

[I’m someone] who spends his time at parties in the room with the coats and whose idea of a good time is to go down to the bus terminal and pretend I’m going somewhere.

(1924 – 1987) American stand-up ‘deadpan’ comedian and actor