Subject: Relationships

The way things are these days, a girl's gotta play hard to take.

(1905 – 1974) radio comedian

The trouble with incest is that it gets you involved with relatives.

typographer

A man on a date wonders if he'll get lucky; the woman already knows.

American comedian & writer

A man who was loved by 300 women singled me out to live with him… Why? … I was the only one without a cat.

(1952 – ) comedian

A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men's singles event.

American comedian

My son has taken up meditation… at least it's better than sitting around doing nothing.

typographer

You might be a redneck if… you’ve ever hauled a can of paint to the top of a water tower to defend your sister’s honor.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

You have to kiss a lot of toads before you find a handsome prince.

Blind Date: When you expect to meet a vision and he turns out to be a sight.

Blood's not thicker than money.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

I'm trying to find one woman that I can spend the rest of this weekend with.

American comedian

Dates are basically where I go out and I act like someone I'm not until the person likes me enough to be who I actually am.

writer & comedian

To a woman the first kiss is just the end of the beginning but to a man it is the beginning of the end.

(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist

I remember when Grandpa’s memories started to go; it was the day I caught him urinating with the door open… which is not a huge deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.

Canadian comedian & actor

Some folks seem to have descended from the chimpanzee later than others.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist

I’m in a relationship at the moment…sorry girls…it’s going to have to be your place.

Never try to pick up a woman who is wearing a Super Bowl ring.

(1949 – 2016) American comedian & television actor

You know how embarrassing it is to walk with a girl on a first date and see somebody with the same shirt as you on – and they homeless?

American stand-up comedian

The only difference in the game of love over the last few thousand years is that they've changed trumps from clubs to diamonds.

I told my wife the truth… I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist; then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Whenever I want a really nice meal, I start dating again.

comedian