Subject: Things

I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

You might be a redneck if… you think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55 MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the
 road an hour.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

You ever get a new cell phone and you're too lazy to transfer all the numbers over, so you just stop being friends with a bunch of people?

stand-up comedian, writer & actor

Key Ring: A handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once.

Last week the candle factory burned down… everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

We are now able to create virtual realities on computers… are we all living in one created by someone in the future?

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian, television writer/producer & radio host

You might be a redneck if… your home has more miles on it than your car.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

You might be a redneck if… you think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

My grandma always says that she never gets any phone calls; so, for her birthday, I put one of those ‘How’s my driving?’ bumper stickers on her car.

comedian

The only thing God didn't do to Job was give him a computer.

(1907 – 1989) American writer

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car.

(1874 – 1936) English author & mystery novelist

Cottonballs are an example of something I’d want to buy, but not have as a nickname.

(1973 – ) American comedian

Why are there an interstate highway in Hawaii?

(1946 – ) American comedian

You might be a redneck if… you think a "quarter horse" is that ride in front of Kmart.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

Chinese Food: You do not sew with a fork, and I see no reason why you should eat with knitting needles.

Muppet character (Frank Oz)

I called the hotel operator and she said, “How can I direct your call?” I said, “Well, you could say ‘Action!', and I’ll begin to dial. And when I say ‘Goodbye’, then you can yell ‘Cut!'”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Any organization is like a septic tank; the really big chunks rise to the top.

(1923 – 2005) American professor

Everyone who ever walked barefoot into his child's room late at night hates Legos®.

(1948 – ) American sportswriter