All Definitions
- A conservative is a man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
- A farm is an irregular patch of nettles bounded by short-term notes, containing ...
- A man with both feet planted firmly in the air.
- A man with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk.
- A true gentleman is a man who may know how to play the bagpipes – but doesn’...
- A vacation is what you take when you can no longer take what you've been taking.
- AAA-AA: A club for people who are being driven to drink.
- Aardvark: In the beginning was the word. And the word was ‘Aardvark.’
- Abasement: A decent and customary mental attitude in the presence of wealth and ...
- Abash: A high school graduation party.
- Abbreviation: An inordinately long word in light of its meaning.
- Abbreviation: Long word with, ironically, no obvious shorter alternative.
- Abdicate: To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
- Ability: What will get you to the top if the boss has no daughter.
- Ability: What you have to get by on if you don’t kiss-up to the boss.
- Aborigines: Persons of little worth found cumbering the soil of a newly discover...
- Abort: To correct a misconception.
- Abortion: Love's labor lost.
- Abscond: To move in a mysterious way, commonly with the property of another.
- Absent: The notation generally following your name in a class record.
- Absentee: A missing golfing peg.
- Absolute Pitch: Completely dark.
- Absolute Zero: The lowest grade attainable on a test.
- Abstainer: A weak man who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure...
- Abstainer: A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleas...
- Abstract Art: The proof that things are not as bad as they are painted to be.
- Absurdity: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.
- Academy Awards: A place where everyone lets off esteem.
- Accident: A thing that is caused by people, but often causes people.
- Accident: Any negligent or malicious behavior performed by someone with a clever...
- Accident: When presence of mind is good, but absence of body is better.
- Accomplice: One who lacks brains as well as honesty.
- Accordian: An instrument inharmony with the sentiments of an assassin.
- Accordion Music: Noise that comes from playing both ends against the middle.
- Accordion: A pleated bagpipe.
- Accordion: An instrument whose music is long drawn out.
- Accordionated: Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.
- Accountability: The mother of caution.
- Accountant: One who uses your books to figure his profit.
- Accountant: Someone hired to explain that you didn’t make the money you did.
- Accountant: Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way y...
- Accrue: People who work on a ship.
- Ache: Joint concern.
- Acme: Spots on the top of your head.
- Acorn: An oak in a nutshell.
- Acoustic: An instrument used in shooting pool.
- Acquaintance: A degree of friendship called ‘slight’ when its object is poor...
- Acquaintance: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well eno...
- Acrimony: The holy state of being married.
- Acrobat: The person who turns a flop into a success.
- Acupuncture: A jab well done.
- Acute Alcoholic: An attractive drunk.
- Ad Hoc: Pawn shop advertisement.
- Adage: To become older.
- Adam’s Rib: The original bone of contention.
- Adam’s rib: the original bone of contention.
- Adherent: A follower who has not yet obtained all that he expects to get.
- Admiral: A general at sea.
- Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
- Adolescence: A period in which children begin to question the answers.
- Adolescence: That period when children feel their parents should be told the fac...
- Adolescence: The age between puberty and adultery.
- Adolescence: When a boy has reached the state when he knows why a strapless gown...
- Adolescent: One who is well informed about anything he doesn’t have to study.
- Adolescents: People who never seem to realize that one day they will be as dumb ...
- Adverse: Promotional jingle.
- Advertising: That which makes you think you’ve longed all your life for someth...
- Advertising: The rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket.
- Advertising: The rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket.
- Advice: A commodity peddled by your lawyer and given away by your mother-in-law,...
- Advice: Something which we give by the bushel but take by the grain.
- Advice: the smallest current coin.
- After-Dinner Speaker: A fellow who rises to the occasion – and then stands too...
- After-Dinner Speaker: A person who only has a few words to say, but seldom stops...
- Aftermath: The horrible headache you have when you’ve finished the algebra tes...
- Afterthought: A tardy sense of prudence that prompts one to try to shut his mout...
- Age: The time when everything hurts and what doesn’t hurt, doesn’t work.
- Agent: Someone who believes an actor takes 85 percent of his money.
- Agnostic: A person who says that he knows nothing about God and, when you agree ...
- Agreeable Person: One who agrees with me.
- Aground: When a boat makes the discovery that all water has land under it.
- Air Travel: Seeing less and less of more and more.
- Alarm clock: An instrument used to wake up people who have no kids.
- Alarm Clock: Something that makes people rise and whine.
- Alarm Clock: That which scares the daylight out of you.
- Alas: Early Victorian for, “Oh, Hell.”
- Alcatraz: A pen with a lifetime guarantee.
- Alcohol: A liquid good for preserving everything except secrets.
- Alibi: Slip cover.
- Alimony: A splitting headache.
- Alimony: Bounty after the mutiny.
- Alimony: The fee a woman charges for name-dropping.
- Alimony: The high cost of leaving.
- Alimony: The screwing you get for the screwing you got.
- Alimony: The sum of money a man is commanded to pay his ex-wife in exchange for ...
- Alliance: In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their han...
- Alphabet: A toy for children found in books, blocks, pictures, and some soup.
- Altar-Boy: A type of bicycle accident.
- Altar: Place where a man loses control of himself.
- Altar: To change through marriage.
- Amateur Athlete: An athlete who is paid in cash, not by check..
- Amateur: A person too stupid to profit from the talent they possess.
- Ambassador: An honest man sent to lie abroad for the good of his country.
- Ambassador: An honest man sent to lie abroad for the good of his country.
- Ambidextrous: Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.
- Ambiguity: The lack of clarity in speech… or perhaps, something else.
- Ambition: Goaled rush.
- Ambulance: A vehicle used to show lawyers where the accident is.
- Amen: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
- America: A land where a citizen will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, and...
- America: A nation that conceives many odd inventions for getting somewhere but c...
- American Idealism: Being willing to make any sacrifice that won’t hurt busines...
- American Language: English run over by a musical comedy.
- American Way: Using instant coffee to dawdle away an hour.
- American: One who gets mad when a foreigner curses the institutions he curses.
- Americans: People with more time-saving devices and less time than any other peo...
- Amnesia: A condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex...
- Amnesty: The state’s magnanimity to those offenders whom it would be too expen...
- Amusement Park: A walled city populated mainly by teenagers, who willingly pay t...
- An allowance is what you pay your children to live with you.
- An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support.
- An editor is someone who separates the wheat from the chaff and then prints the ...
- Analysis: An excuse to take something to pieces to see how it works.
- Anatomy: A class that sounds vaguely risqué until you find out what it really i...
- Anatomy: Something that everyone has, but it looks better on a girl.
- Anatomy: The belly of a very small insect.
- Anesthetic: The painkiller that crazy women refuse during labor.
- Angler: A man who spends rainy days sitting around on the muddy banks of rivers ...
- Announce: Thirty grams or a sixteenth of a pound.
- Anoint: To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently slipper...
- Anonymous: The worlds most popular author.
- Ant: A small insect that, though always at work, still finds time to go to picni...
- Antibody: Against everyone.
- Antipathy: The sentiment inspired by one’s friend’s friend.
- Antique Shop: A junk store that has raised its prices.
- Antique: An item your grandparents bought, your parents got rid of, and you&#...
- Antique: An object that has made a round trip to the attic.
- Antique: Something too old to be anything but too expensive.
- Antiques: Furniture that is too old for poor folks but the right age for rich pe...
- Antiques: Furniture that is too old for poor folks but the right age for rich pe...
- Apartment: A place where the landlord and the tenant are both trying to raise th...
- Apathy: Vigor mortis.
- Apex: A gorilla’s old girlfriend.
- Apologize: To lay the foundation for a future offence.
- Apologize: To lay the foundation for a future offense.
- Apologize: To repeat an insult with variations.
- Apology: Politeness too late.
- Apparently: As either mother or father would do it.
- Appendix: A portion of a book, for which nobody yet has discovered any use.
- Apple: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.
- April 1: The day we are reminded of what we are the other 364.
- Archaeologist: A person whose career lies in ruins.
- Archbishop: An ecclesiastical dignitary one point holier than a bishop.
- Architect: One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money.
- Architect: One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money.
- Architects: People who now have to measure their patrons for the breakfast nook.
- Archive: Where the two bees stayed after Noah brought them aboard.
- Argument: A discussion that occurs when you’re right, but the other person has...
- Argument: A discussion where two people try to get the last word in first
- Argument: An exchange of ignorance.
- Arithmetic: Being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes.
- Armadillo: Possum on the half shell.
- Armor: A knight gown.
- Armor: The kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor is a blacksmith.
- Armor: The kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor is a blacksmith.
- Arson: Fire caused by friction between the insurance policy and the mortgage.
- Arsonist: A person who sets the world on fire… at least in a small way.
- Arthritis: Twinges in the hinges.
- Artichoke: The only vegetable you have more of when you finish eating it, than y...
- Artificial Insemination: Impregnation without representation and procreation wit...
- Artist’s Model: A girl unsuited for her work.
- Ascribe: Newspaper reporter.
- Assembly Line: The notion that if a job is worth doing, it’s worth repeating 9...
- Assembly Line: The notion that if a job is worth doing, it’s worth repeating 9...
- Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancemen...
- Associate producer: Anybody who’s prepared to associate with a producer.
- Astronomer: Night watchman.
- Asylum: A refuge where unusual people are protected from the world.
- Atheist: A man who has no invisible means of support.
- Atomic Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.
- Atrophy: An award given to those who do not exercise.
- Auction: A place where, if you aren’t careful, you’ll get something for nodd...
- Auctioneer: The man who proclaims with a hammer that he has picked a pocket with...
- Auctioneer: The man who proclaims with a hammer that he has picked a pocket with...
- Auditor: A person who goes in after the war is lost to bayonet the wounded.
- Aussie Kiss: Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.
- Author: A writer with connections in the publishing industry.
- Autobiography: An I-witness account
- Automated: A couple making love in a car.
- Automatic: If something is automatic, that simple means that you can’t repair ...
- Automobile: A payment plan on wheels.
- Average Man: A person who doesn’t want much, and usually gets a little less th...
- Average Person: One who thinks someone else is the average person.
- Average: The poorest of the good and the best of the bad.
- Aversion: One side of a disputed story.
- Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.
- Avoidance: A dance for people who hate each other.
- Awe: Wow of silence.
- B Flat: An apiary.
- B-Negative: A pessimist’s blood type.
- Baby: An alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no responsibility at ...
- Baby: An inhabitant of Lapland.
- Baby: Morning caller, noonday crawler, midnight bawler.
- Baby: Nine months interest on a small deposit.
- Babysitter: A teenager you hire to watch your TV.
- Babysitter: A teenager you pay $7 an hour to eat $20 worth of snacks.
- Babysitter: One who accepts hush money.
- Bachelor: A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.
- Bachelor: A man who can get out of bed from either side.
- Bachelor: A man who has faults he doesn’t know about.
- Bachelor: A person who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit.
- Bachelor: One who treats all women as sequels.
- Bad Driver: The person you run into.
- Baker: A person who kneads the dough.
- Balanced Diet: A cookie in each hand.
- Bald: When one has less hair to comb but more face to wash.
- Bank Robber: A guy who gets alarmed easily.
- Bank: An institution that will gladly lend you money provided you can prove you ...
- Banker: A pawn broker with a manicure.
- Bankruptcy: A fate worse than debt.
- Banquet: A fifty-cent dinner served in sufficient quantity to enable a caterer t...
- Barber: A brilliant conversationalist who cuts hair for a sideline.
- Barber: The town cutup.
- Bargain Hunter: One who is often led astray by false profits.
- Bargain: A transaction in which each party thinks he has cheated the other.
- Bargain: Something you can’t use, at a price you can’t resist.
- Barometer: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are h...
- Barometer: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are h...
- Bathing Suit: A garment cut to see level.
- Bay: A body of water surrounded by restaurants.
- Beauty parlor: A place where women curl up and dye.
- Beauty: The power with which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.
- Beer: The method of turning grain into urine.
- Belly: The veranda over the toy shop.
- Belong: To take your time.
- Below: Sing Bass.
- Bigamist: A man who keeps two himself.
- Bigamist: A man who makes the same mistake twice.
- Bigamist: A man who marries a beautiful girl and a good cook.
- Bigamist: A man who who has had one too many.
- Bikini: Baiting Suit.
- Bill Collector: A man whom few care to see but many ask to call again.
- Billboards: Litter on a stick.
- Bimbo: Any woman to whom you pay a compliment, while in the company of your wife...
- Birth Control: Evasion of the issue.
- Birth: The first and dirtiest of all disasters.
- Birthday: Anniversary of one’s birth, observed only by men and children.
- Bisexual: A person who pays for sex.
- Bisexual: A person who pays for sex.
- Black Eye: A stamp of disapproval.
- Black Eye: A stamp of disapproval.
- Blind Date: When you expect to meet a vision and he turns out to be a sight.
- Blind Date: When you expect to meet a vision and he turns out to be a sight.
- Bliss: Having no idea what is really happening.
- Bliss: Having no idea what is really happening.
- Blurt: To speak the truth.
- Blushing: The color of virtue.
- Boat: A hole in the water surrounded by wood into which one pours money.
- Bogey: The number of strokes needed to finish a hole by a golfer of average skil...
- Booby Trap: A brassiere.
- Book Jacket: A fable of contents.
- Book: What they make a movie out of for television.
- Bookcase: A piece of furniture used in America to house bowling trophies and el...
- Bookie: A pickpocket who lets you use your own hands.
- Bore: A person who deprives you with solitude without providing company.
- Bore: A person who has nothing to say and says it.
- Bore: A person who takes his time taking your time.
- Bore: A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
- Bore: One who insists upon talking about himself when you want to talk about you...
- Bored: To attend meetings.
- Borrower: A man who tries to live within your means.
- Borrower: A person who always wants to be left a loan.
- Boss: A person who comes early to see who comes late.
- Boss: A personal dictator appointed to those of us fortunate enough to live in f...
- Boundary: In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separat...
- Bowling Alley: A quiet place of amusement where you can hear a pin drop.
- Bowling: Marbles for grown-ups.
- Boxing: A mutual affliction of brain damage for the amusement of the public.
- Boy: A noise with dirt on it.
- Bra: Decoration draped by your wife over the shower curtain rod in the bathroom....
- Bragging: The patter of tiny feats.
- Brain: An apparatus with which we think we think.
- Brain: The apparatus with which we think we think.
- Brainstorm: To feign preparedness.
- Brassiere: A bust stop.
- Brat: A child who displays his pest manners.
- Breeding: Concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of t...
- Bride: A gal who puts her foot down as soon as her new husband has carried her o...
- Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
- Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
- Bridegroom: A man who is amazed at the outcome of what he thought was a harmless...
- Bridge: A game in which a wife is always eager to do her husband’s bidding.
- Bridge: A game which gives women something to try to think about while they are ...
- Broom: Witch craft.
- Brothel: Home is where the tart is.
- Brute Force: When your brain doesn’t work, just keep beating on the problem un...
- Budget: A family quarrel.
- Budget: A method of worrying before you spend, instead of afterward.
- Budget: A schedule for going into debt systematically.
- Budget: An attempt to live below your yearnings.
- Budget: An orderly system of living beyond your means.
- Budget: Telling your money where to go instead of wondering where it went.
- Buffet: A French word that means “get up and get it yourself.”
- Bugs: Small living things that small living boys throw on small living girls.
- Bull Market: A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for...
- Bulletin: Your receipt for attending church services.
- Bum: A man-about-town.
- Bureaucracy: A system that enables ten men to do the work of one.
- Bureaucracy: The art of making the possible seem impossible.
- Bureaucrat: A Democrat who holds an office that a Republican wants.
- Bureaucrat: A politician who has tenure.
- Bus Driver: A person who tells people where to get off.
- Bus: A vehicle that has empty seats when going in the opposite direction.
- Bus: A vehicle that runs faster when you run after it and runs slowly when you a...
- Business Forecaster: A person who is uncertain about the future and hazy about t...
- Business Lunch: Lunch.
- Business: Something which, if you don’t have any, you go out of.
- Businessman: One who could have made more money with less trouble in an easier l...
- Businessman: One who talks golf all morning at the office, and business all afte...
- Butt: The body part that every item of clothing makes “look bigger.”
- Cabbage: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man�...
- Cabbage: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man’...
- Cabinet Maker: Counter fitter.
- Caffeine: One of the four basic food groups.
- Calculus: The branch of mathematics that is so scary it causes everybody to stop...
- Calendar: An attempt, underwritten by the principal religions, to make the heave...
- Callous: Gifted with great fortitude to bear the evils afflicting another.
- Calorie: Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average i...
- Camp: A place in the country where a mother sends her children for her vacation.
- Camp: Where parents spend $1,000 for eight weeks to teach their child to make a ...
- Campers: Nature’s way of feeding mosquitoes.
- Candidate: A person who asks for money from the wealthy and votes from the poor ...
- Cannibal: Someone who is fed up with people.
- Cantaloupe: Gotta get married in a church.
- Capital Punishment: Killing people who kill people to prove that killing people ...
- Capitol: The seat of misgovernment.
- Car Pool: Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going t...
- Caramel: A substance for extracting children’s teeth.
- Cardiology: The study of poker playing.
- Carpet: A floor covering that is bought by the yard and worn by the foot.
- Carpet: Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off shoes.
- Cartoon: What’s sung when driving your car.
- Casserole: A method used by ingenious cooks to get rid of leftovers.
- Castration: A eunuch experience.
- Cat: A lap warmer with a built-in buzzer.
- Cat: A pygmy lion who loathes mice, hates dogs, and patronizes human beings.
- Cat: A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when thing...
- Caterpillar: An upholstered worm.
- Cavity: Empty space ready to be stuffed with dentist’s bills.
- Celebrity: A person whose name is in everything but the telephone book.
- Cemetery: A place people are dying to get into.
- Cemetery: An isolated spot, usually in a suburb, where mourners swap lies.
- Censor: A man who knows more than he thinks you ought to.
- Censor: A person who sticks his noes into other people’s business.
- Centaur: A man with a horse where his pants ought to be.
- Centenarian: A person who has lived to be one hundred years old. He never smoked...
- Center Of Mass: The Priest.
- Centimeter: A parking meter that takes pennies.
- Chance: The pseudonym of God when he does not want to sign.
- Chaperoning: A spectator spoil-sport.
- Char: Common method of cooking over a campfire.
- Character: What you have left when you’ve lost everything you can lose.
- Charm: That indefinable something possessed by girls with stunning figures.
- Charm: The ability to make someone think that both of you are wonderful.
- Chastity: Perhaps the most peculiar of all sexual aberrations.
- Chatterbox: Another name for a telephone booth.
- Chauffeur: A man who is smart enough to operate an automobile, but clever enough...
- Cheerfulness: The art of concealing your true feelings.
- Chef: A man with a big enough vocabulary to give the soup a different name every...
- Chef: Any cook who swears in French.
- Chic: Considered smart without the deadening implication of intelligence.
- Chicken: An egg factory.
- Chickens: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead...
- Childbirth: You get to go through thirty-six hours of contractions; he gets to h...
- Childhood: The rapidly shrinking interval between infancy and first arrest on a ...
- Childish Games: Those at which your wife beats you.
- Chip Shot: A short, low approach shot that gets a player into position for one o...
- Chiropodist: A man who makes money hand over foot.
- Chiropractor: A doctor who works his fingers to the bone… yours.
- Chivalry: A man’s inclination to defend a woman against every man but himself.
- Chivalry: The attitude of a man toward somebody else’s wife.
- Choir: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Congregation to li...
- Christian: A man who feels repentance on a Sunday for what he did on Saturday an...
- Christian: One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book a...
- Christmas: A warm, cheery two-month festival that celebrates the joy of retail m...
- Church: Man’s effort to keep a roof over God’s head.
- Cigarette: A bit of tobacco with a fire at one end and a fool at the other.
- Circus: A place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted to see men, wom...
- Civilization: A process whereby one generation finds the questions to the previo...
- Clairvoyant: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which ...
- Clarification: To fill in the background with so many details that the foregroun...
- Class Reunion: A gathering where you come to the conclusion that most of the peo...
- Class Reunion: Where everyone gets together to see who is falling apart
- Classical Jazz: Rock of ages.
- Claustrophobia: The fear of Santa Claus.
- Clear Conscience: Poor memory.
- Cleavage: Something which excites disapproval in everyone but the audience.
- Cleopatra: Queen of denial.
- Clergyman: A man who undertakes the management of our spiritual affairs as a met...
- Clergyman: A ticket speculator outside the gates of Heaven.
- Clever Woman: One who knows how to give a man her own way.
- Clichés: Fixtures of speech.
- Clique: A group of insiders who greet outsiders with their backsides; a closed c...
- Clothes Dryer: An appliance designed to eat socks.
- Cloud: What’s in front of every silver lining.
- Coach: A fellow who will gladly lay down your life for the school.
- Coaching: Eliminating mistakes before you get fired.
- Cocktail party: A gathering held to enable forty people to talk about themselve...
- Cocktail party: A gathering held to enable forty people to talk about themselve...
- Coffee: Break fluid.
- Cold War: Hot peace.
- Cold: An ailment cured in two weeks with a doctor’s care, and in fourteen days...
- Colleague: The person to whom one passes the buck.
- Collection: A church function in which many take but a passing interest.
- College: A fountain of knowledge where students gather to drink.
- College: A four-year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone.
- Commerce: A kind of transaction in which A plunders from B the goods of C, and f...
- Committee: A cul-de-sac down which ideas are lured and then quietly strangled.
- Committee: A group which succeeds in getting something done only when it consist...
- Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that no...
- Communism: Liberation of the people from the burdens of liberty.
- Communism: Nobody’s got nothin’, but everybody’s workin’.
- Communism: The cause that suppresses.
- Communist: A fellow who will gladly divide his hunger and thirst with you if you...
- Communist: A guy who borrows your pot to cook your goose.
- Communist: One who has yearnings for equal division of unequal earnings.
- Compromise: A deal in which two people get what neither of them wanted.
- Compromise: An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree t...
- Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everyone believes he h...
- Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens, and everybody di...
- Conference: A meeting at which people talk about what they should already be doi...
- Conference: An organized way of postponing a decision.
- Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
- Confidence: What you have before you understand the problem.
- Congratulation: The civility of envy.
- Congress: A body of men brought together to slow down the government.
- Congress: A body of men who meet to repeal laws.
- Congress: A place where there are too many Democratic congressmen, too many Repu...
- Congress: A strange forum where people get up and speak, nobody listens, and the...
- Connoisseur: A specialist who knows everything about something and nothing about...
- Connoisseur: One who attains an obsessive knowledge of wines, audio equipment, c...
- Connoisseur: One who attains an obsessive knowledge of wines, audio equipment, c...
- Conscience: A device that doesn’t keep you from doing anything – just keeps ...
- Conscience: An inner voice that warns us somebody is watching.
- Conscience: The voice that tells you not to do something after you have done it.
- Consciousness: The annoying time between naps.
- Conservative: A liberal who has just been mugged.
- Conservative: A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished fr...
- Consolation: The knowledge that a better man is more unfortunate than yourself.
- Consult: To seek another's approval of a course already decided on.
- Consult: To seek another’s approval of a course already decided upon.
- Consultant: A jobless person who shows executives how to work.
- Consultant: A jobless person who shows executives how to work.
- Consultant: Someone who borrows your watch then tells you what time it is.
- Consultant: Someone who knows 101 ways to make love, but can’t get a date.
- Consultant: Someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confus...
- Consultation: A medical term meaning “share the wealth.”
- Consumer: One who delights advertisers by acquiring unnecessary products.
- Contempt: The feeling of a prudent man for an enemy who is too formidable safely...
- Contraceptives: What Protestants use on all conceivable occasions.
- Contract: An agreement to do something if nothing happens to prevent it.
- Convent: A place of retirement for women who wish for leisure to meditate upon t...
- Convict: The only person who likes to be stopped in the middle of a sentence.
- Cookie: A standard method for converting sugar, floor, and butter into body fat.
- Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individ...
- Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining profit without individual respons...
- Counsel: Advice with a price tag.
- Counterfeiter: A guy who gets into trouble by following a good example.
- Courage: Fear in action.
- Court Of Law: A place where a suit is pressed and a man maybe taken to the clean...
- Courtesy: Acceptable hypocrisy.
- Courtesy: The art of yawning with your mouth closed.
- Courtship: A man pursuing a woman until she catches him.
- Courtship: A period during which a girl decides whether or not she can do better...
- Courtship: When a fellow and a girl are always trying to show how smart he is.
- Courtship: When a fellow gets so wrapped up in a girl that it’s easy to tie th...
- Coward: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
- CPR: An emergency exercise that helps concerned onlookers feel useful while the ...
- Cravings: An excuse to gluttonize your way through pregnancy.
- Craze: The other guy’s hobby.
- Creativity: The sudden cessation of stupidity.
- Credit: A commodity that becomes better the less it is used.
- Creditor: A man who has a better memory than a debtor.
- Cricket: A game which the English, not being a spiritual people, have invented i...
- Critic: One quick-on-the-flaw.
- Critic: One who boasts of being “hard to please” because nobody tries to ple...
- Cross-Eyed Teacher: A teacher that loses control over his or her pupils.
- Cuddling: An act of warmth and affection that a husband will inevitably interpre...
- Culture: The visible evidence of a tribe of bacteria, as observed by microbiolog...
- Current Events: Electric shocks.
- Curve: The loveliest distance between two points.
- Cynic: A man who sees things as they are, not as they ought to be.
- Dachshund: An animal half a dog high by a dog and a half long.
- Dance: The action of moving rhythmically to music with a partner, a skill which ...
- Dandruff: Chips off the old block.
- Dark Ages: Knight time.
- Darling: The popular form of address used in speaking to a member of the opposit...
- Dating: An elaborate prelude to mating that fulfills much the same function as t...
- Daughter: A person who Dad likes because she reminds him why he married his wife...
- Dawn: 1. The time when men of reason go to bed. 2. When the sun first shines o...
- Death – to blink for an exceptionally long period of time.
- Death: A breath-taking experience.
- Death: Life’s way of telling you you’ve been fired.
- Death: To stop sinning suddenly.
- Debt: A trap which a man sets and baits himself, and then deliberately gets into...
- Debts: The certain outcome of an uncertain income.
- Defame: To lie about another. To tell the truth about another.
- Deficit: What you have when you don’t have as much as if you had nothing.
- Definition of a classic: a book everyone is assumed to have read and often think...
- Definition of a Jewish nymphomaniac: A woman who will make love the same day she...
- Definition: A statement intended to put a word in its place.
- Delaware: A state that has three counties when the tide is out, and two when it ...
- Delayed Payment: A tourniquet applied at the pockets.
- Delegate-At-Large: A man at a convention whose wife didn’t accompany him.
- Delegation: In American politics, an article of merchandise that comes in sets.
- Deliberation: The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it i...
- Delta: A river with its mouth full of mud.
- Deluxe: Mediocre in a big way.
- Demagogue: A man who preaches doctrines he knows to be untrue to men he knows to...
- Democracy: A small hard core of common agreement, surrounded by a rich variety o...
- Democracy: A state of mind in which every man is as good as every other man, pro...
- Democracy: A system whereby the person who never votes can cuss out the man the ...
- Denial: How an optimist keeps from becoming a pessimist.
- Dentist: A collector of old magazines.
- Dentist: A person who runs a filling station.
- Dentist: A prestidigitator who, putting metal into your mouth, pulls coins out o...
- Dentist: man who lives from hand to mouth.
- Dentures: Two rows of artificial ivories that may be removed periodically to fri...
- Dependent: Reliant upon another's generosity for the support which you are ...
- Depression: A period during which we have to get along without the things our gr...
- Depression: A period in which you have no belt to tighten.
- Derange: Where de buffalo roam.
- Dermatologist: Person who makes rash judgments.
- Desertion: The poor man’s divorce.
- Desire: The thing that is so often nipped in the budget.
- Desk: A dangerous place from which to view the world.
- Desk: A waste basket with drawers.
- Destiny: A tyrant’s authority for crime and a fool’s excuse for failure.
- Deterrence: The art of producing, in the mind of the enemy, the fear to attack.
- Detour: Something that lengthens your mileage, diminishes your gas, and strength...
- Detour: The roughest distance between two points.
- Diagnosis: A physician's forecast of the disease by the patient's puls...
- Diagnosis: A physician’s forecast of the disease by the patient’s pulse and ...
- Diamond: A woman’s idea of a stepping stone to success.
- Diamond: One of the hardest substances known to man – especially the payments ...
- Diaper: A bum wrap.
- Diaper: A changeable seat cover.
- Diaphragm: A muscular partition separating disorders of the chest from disorders...
- Dictator: A self-madman.
- Dictator: One who thinks he can take it – no matter to whom it belongs.
- Dictatorship: A place where public opinion can’t even be expressed privately.
- Dictatorship: A system of government where everything that isn’t forbidden is ...
- Diet Drink/Soda: A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half-pound ...
- Diet Planner: A fast talker.
- Diet: A brief period of starvation followed by a gain of five pounds.
- Diet: A system of starving yourself to death so you can live a little longer.
- Diet: selection of foods for people who are thick and tired of it.
- Diet: Something to take the starch out of you.
- Diet: Something you keep putting off while you keep putting on.
- Diet: The penalty for exceeding the feed limit.
- Diet: What helps a person gain weight more slowly.
- Dieting: The penalty for exceeding the feed limit.
- Dieting: The triumph of mind over platter.
- Dignity: Something that can’t be preserved in alcohol.
- Dilemma: A politician trying to save both his faces at once.
- Dime: A dollar with all the taxes taken out.
- Diploma: A job-hunting license.
- Diplomacy: The ability to take something and make the other fellow believe he is...
- Diplomacy: The art of letting someone else have your own way.
- Diplomacy: The patriotic art of lying for one’s country.
- Diplomat: A fellow who prefers ironing out his differences to flattening his opp...
- Diplomat: A person who can juggle a hot potato long enough for it to become a co...
- Diplomat: A person who thinks twice before saying nothing.
- Diplomat: If you have the advantage over someone, and you lead him to think that...
- Diplomat: Someone who can lose all the points and still win the game.
- Director: The one who always faces the music.
- Dirt: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
- Disc Jockey: A guy who lives on spins and needles.
- Discretion: A sense that comes to a man too late to do him any good.
- Discretion: Being able to raise your eyebrow instead of your voice.
- Discretion: When you are sure you are right and then ask your wife.
- Discriminate: To note the particulars in which one person or thing is, if possib...
- Discussion: A method of confirming others in their errors.
- Disinheritance: Heir cut.
- Disneyland: A people trap operated by a mouse.
- Disrespect: Giving someone half of the peace sign without suggesting they’re n...
- Distant Relative: One who can be very distant – especially when he has lot...
- District of Columbia: A territory bounded on all sides by the United States of A...
- Divorce: A splitting headache.
- Divorce: Future tense of marriage.
- Divorce: Going through a change of wife.
- Dna: A complex organic molecule characterized as the building block of life and ...
- Doctor: A guy who tells you if you don’t cut out something he’ll cut somethi...
- Doctor: A man who suffers from good health.
- Doctor: Someone who practices medicine but charges as if he knew.
- Doctor: The only man who hasn’t a guaranteed cure for a cold.
- Dog Kennel: A barking lot.
- Dog Pound: A used cur lot.
- Dog: An intelligent four-footed animal who walks around with an idiot on the end...
- Dog: The only friend you can buy for money.
- Dollar: The jack of all trades.
- Domestic Harmony: Music produced only if the husband plays second fiddle.
- Donation: A country full of female deer.
- Donuts: The only non-negotiable element to a successful meeting.
- Doorman: A genius who can open the door of your car with one hand, help you in w...
- Dorito Syndrome: Feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictiv...
- Double Jeopardy: When your doctor calls in a consulting physician.
- Doubles: Tennis game played by athletic couples who wish to burn a few calories ...
- Doughnut: Holey food.
- Drama Critic: A person who surprises the playwright by informing him what he mea...
- Drug: A substance that, when injected into a guinea pig, produces a scientific p...
- Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
- Durable Goods: Those that last longer than the time payments.
- Dust: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
- e-mail: An advertising medium which is misused for personal messaging.
- Earthquake: A topographical error.
- Easy Payments: The ones that are easier said than done.
- Easy: Used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.
- Eccentric: A man too rich to be called crazy.
- Economist: A man who knows more about money than the people who have it.
- Economist: One who takes a lot of unwarranted assumptions and reaches a foregone...
- Ecstasy: Happiness with its clothes off.
- Editor: The fellow who makes a long story short.
- Educated Man: One who has finally discovered that there are some questions to wh...
- Education: A progressive discovery of our own ignorance.
- Education: A technique employed to open minds so that they may go from cocksure ...
- Education: Forcing abstract ideas into concrete heads.
- Education: One of the few things a person is willing to pay for and not get.
- Education: What you have left over when you subtract what you’ve forgotten fro...
- Efficiency Expert: A man smart enough to tell you how to run your business and t...
- Efficiency Expert: A man who knows less about your business than you do and gets...
- Efficiency is intelligent laziness.
- Egotism: An anesthetic that nature gives to a man to deaden the pain of being a ...
- Egotism: Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle with a pen.
- Egotist: A conceited ass who thinks he knows as much as you do.
- Egotist: A person of low taste more interested in himself than in me.
- Egotist: A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.
- Egotist: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
- Electile Dysfunction: The inability to become aroused over any of the choices fo...
- Election: When the air is full of speeches and vice versa
- Elector: One who enjoys the sacred privilege of voting for the man of another ma...
- Electric Eel: Fish that thrives in strong currents.
- Electrician: A person who wires for money.
- Electrocardiograph: Ticker tape.
- Electrocution: Burning at the stake with all modern improvements.
- Elephant: A mouse built to government specifications.
- Employment Agency: Where people are put in their place.
- Enema: Not a friend.
- Engagement: A period in which a girl is placed in solitaire confinement.
- Engagement: The time a girl takes until she finds out if she can do any better.
- English Channel: The BBC.
- Entrepreneur: What you’re called when you don’t have a job.
- Epigram: A half-truth so stated to irritate the person who believes the other ha...
- Epigram: A wisecrack that played Carnegie Hall.
- Epitaph: A belated advertisement for a line of goods that has been permanently d...
- Epitaph: A monumental lie.
- Epitaph: An inscription which hopes that virtues acquired by death will have a r...
- Erudite: Exhibiting a degree of book learning fatal to success in any business o...
- Eskimos: God’s frozen people.
- Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
- Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
- Etiquette: A convenient code of conduct which makes lying a virtue and snobbishn...
- Etiquette: Learning to yawn with your mouth closed.
- Etiquette: The noise you don’t make while eating soup.
- Eulogy: Praise of a person who has either the advantages of wealth and power, or...
- Eulogy: Praise of a person who has either the advantages of wealth and power, or...
- Eulogy: Praise that’s too much and too late.
- Eunuch: One who is cut off from temptation.
- Euphemisms: Unpleasant truths wearing diplomatic cologne.
- Evangelist: A bearer of good tidings who gives us the good news and assures us o...
- Exaggeration: Formal term for a collection of fishermen (i.e. an exaggeration of...
- Executive Ability: The art of getting the credit for all the hard work that some...
- Executive Shakeup: Title wave.
- Executive Suite: A sugar daddy.
- Executive: A big gun – that hasn’t been fired yet.
- Executive: A man who talks to visitors so the other employees can get their work...
- Executive: A person who can take two hours for lunch without anybody missing him...
- Executive: An under-worked, over-paid person who is in over their head.
- Exercise: The joy of flex.
- Exhaustion: Sufficient cause for the hospitalization of a celebrity – the norm...
- Expense Account: Account deceivables.
- Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.
- Experience: A form of knowledge acquired only two ways: by doing and being done.
- Experience: In the working world, something you can’t get unless you’ve alre...
- Experience: Something you don’t get until just after you needed it.
- Experience: Something you don’t get until just after you needed it.
- Experience: The name an older man gives to his mistakes.
- Experience: What causes a person to make new mistakes instead of the same old on...
- Experience: What you get from being inexperienced.
- Experimental psychologist: A scientist who pulls habits out of rats.
- Expert: A man from another city, and the farther away that city is, the greater ...
- Expert: A man who is seldom in doubt, but often in error.
- Expert: A person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow...
- Expert: A person who knows enough to complicate simple matters.
- Expert: Any person who has tried and failed – and can tell you why.
- Fable: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.
- Fad: A folly committed by enough of the right people to confer upon it the badge...
- Fad: Something that goes in one era and out the other.
- Fairway: The well-kept and seldom used portion of a golf course.
- Fairy Tale: A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.
- Faith: Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowled...
- Faith: Not wanting to know what is true.
- False Pregnancy: Laboring under a misconception.
- Falsies: A helpful aid to any girl in acquiring a disappointed husband.
- Falsies: A hope chest.
- Falsies: Making mountains out of molehills.
- Family Planning: Having all your children while their grandparents are still you...
- Family Planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to k...
- Family Swimming Pool: A small body of water completely surrounded by other peopl...
- Famous Last Words: “This is easy.”
- Fanatic: A man who does what God would do – if He only had the facts straight.
- Fanatic: One who, having lost sight of his goal, redoubles his efforts.
- Farm: A hunk of land on which, if you get up early enough mornings and work late...
- Farm: What a city man dreams of at 5 p.m…. never at 5 a.m.
- Farmer: A handy man with a sense of humus.
- Farmer: A man who is outstanding in his field.
- Farmer: The only man who can lose money every year, live well, educate his child...
- Fashion: A make-work program to get women to buy new clothes for no real reason ...
- Fashion: Something that goes out of style as soon as most people have one.
- Fat: Energy gone to waist.
- Father: A guy who is working his child’s way through college.
- Father: An ATM provided by nature.
- Father’s Day: The annual day in June set aside so merchants can get rid of the...
- Father’s Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate...
- Female: One who believes if you charge it, it’s not spending, and if you add a...
- Fern: A plant that you’re supposed to water once a day, and when you don’t i...
- Fettuccine Alfredo: Macaroni and cheese for adults.
- Fiber: Edible wood-pulp said to aid digestion and prolong life, so that we might...
- Fiber: Edible wood-pulp said to aid digestion and prolong life, so that we might...
- Fiddle: An instrument to tickle human ears by friction of a horse's tail on...
- Fiddler: A violinist before he becomes the virtuoso.
- Fiddlesticks: Violin bows.
- Fidelity : A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
- Filing Cabinet: A place where you lose things alphabetically.
- Financial Wizard: A person who can earn money faster than the family can spend i...
- Fine Print: A clause for suspicion.
- Fish: An animal that grows fastest between the time it is caught and the time a ...
- Fishing License: Permit issued upon payment of a modest fee that allows fisherme...
- Fishing: A delusion entirely surrounded by liars in old clothes.
- Fishing: A jerk at one end of the line waiting for a jerk at the other end.
- Fishing: A venerable contest in which modern man pits his intelligence and techn...
- Fitness: Salvation through perspiration.
- Flashlight: A case for storing dead batteries.
- Flatterer: One who says things to your face that he wouldn’t say behind your b...
- Flirt: A girl who got the boy you wanted.
- Flirtation: Paying attention without intention.
- Flood: A river too big for its bridges.
- Florida: God's waiting room.
- Florists: Petal pushers.
- Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
- Fobia: The fear of misspelled words.
- Foosball: A combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
- Foot: A politician’s pacifier.
- Footnote: Useless information placed where you can skip it.
- Fore: A golf bawl.
- Foreign Aid: The transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich pe...
- Foreword: An author’s apology.
- Forger: A man who is always ready to write a wrong.
- Forger: A man who made a name for himself.
- Forger: The man who gives a check a bad name.
- Fortune teller: Séance fiction.
- Forty: The most difficult age for a woman to pass; it often takes years.
- Fountain pen: A writing instrument that works marvelously in the store.
- Four-letter Word: Par for the coarse.
- Four-wheel Drive: Getting stuck in more inaccessible places.
- Free Verse: Verse written without rhyme or reason.
- Freelance: To collect unemployment.
- Freudian Slip: Foot-in-mouth disease.
- Freudian Slip: When you say one thing but mean your mother.
- Friend: A good friend is like a good bra… hard to find, supportive, comfor...
- Friend: A person who listens attentively while you say nothing.
- Friend: Someone who thinks you’re a good egg even though you’re slightly cra...
- Friends: There are two kinds of friends – those who are around when you ne...
- Frisbeetarianism: The belief that, when you die, your Soul goes up on the roof a...
- Fruitcake: The gift that keeps on giving.
- Funeral Home: a stately manse occupied by transients who continually receive vis...
- Funeral: A pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by enriching the u...
- Future: That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true a...
- G String: Gownless evening strap.
- Garage: An attic on a lower level.
- Garage: Something usually built with a house attached.
- Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and...
- Garden: Something that dies if you don’t water it, and rots if you do.
- Gardener: A man who never lets grass grow under his feet.
- Gardener: Someone who thinks that what goes down must come up.
- Gardening: Man’s effort to improve his lot.
- Genealogist: One who traces your family history back as far as your money will g...
- Genealogy: An account of one’s descent from an ancestor who did not particular...
- Genealogy: An account of one’s descent from an ancestor who did not particular...
- Genealogy: Chasing your own tale.
- Genealogy: Tracing yourself back to people better than you are.
- Genetic Engineering: Tampering with chromosomes so that science might develop a ...
- Genius: One who can do almost anything except make a living.
- Gentleman Farmer: One who has more hay in the bank thank in the barn.
- Gentleman: A man who remembers a woman’s birthday but forgets her age.
- Geologist: Fault finder.
- Gifted Children: Unfortunate tykes who lack the good sense to hide their talents...
- Gigolo: A fee-male.
- Gimme: An agreement between two duffer golfers who can’t putt.
- Giraffe: The highest form of animal life.
- Girdle: Accessory after the fat.
- Girdle: The difference between fact and figure.
- Glutton: A person who escapes the evils of moderation by committing dyspepsia.
- Glutton: A person who takes the piece of French pastry you wanted.
- Gluttony: A sign something is eating us.
- Gold Digger: A fund-loving girl.
- Gold Digger: A girl who will date any man that can pass the asset test.
- Gold Digger: A woman after all.
- Golf: A long walk broken up by disappointment and bad arithmetic.
- Golf: A pastime that gives people cooped up in the office all week a chance to l...
- Good Advice: What a man gives when he gets too old to set a bad example.
- Good Breeding: That quality that enables a person to wait in well-mannered silen...
- Good Neighbor: A fellow who smiles at you over the back fence, but doesn’t cli...
- Good Neighbor: One who doesn’t borrow his garden hose back too often.
- Good Neighbor: One who makes his noise at the same time you make yours.
- Good Old Days: A block of time which ended a week before you were hired.
- Good Old Days: What people fifty years hence will be calling the present time.
- Good Sport: One who will always let you have your own way.
- Gossip: Anything that goes in one ear and over the back fence.
- Gossip: One with a keen sense of rumor.
- Gossip: Something negative that is developed and then enlarged.
- Gourmet: A food fetishist.
- Government Bureau: Where the taxpayer’s shirt is kept.
- Government Deficit: The difference between the amount of money the government sp...
- Graduate School: The place where a young scholar goes off his Dad’s payroll ...
- Graffiti: Urban scrawl.
- Grandmother: A babysitter who doesn’t hang around the refrigerator.
- Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they...
- Grass: The green stuff that wilts in the yard and flourishes in the garden.
- Grave: A place in which the dead are laid to await the coming of the medical stu...
- Great American: What speakers call a man when they can’t think of anything spe...
- Great Timesaver: Love at first sight.
- Groan: An expression of appreciation for the horrible.
- Grocery list: What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you ...
- Groom: Least important member of wedding party, whose only duties are to show up...
- Group Discussion: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody di...
- Group Therapy: A drama-in-the-round staged for the entertainment of a profession...
- Guest towel: A small square of non-absorbent fabric surrounded by waterproof emb...
- Guilt: The gift that keeps on giving.
- Hair dresser: Someone who is able to create a hair style you will never be able...
- Hallucination: A belief owned exclusively by one person.
- Hamper: A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not containing...
- Handicap: An allocation of strokes on one or more holes that permits two golfers...
- Handicapped Golfer: The man playing his boss.
- Handkerchief: Cold Storage.
- Hanging: A suspended sentence.
- Hangover: The moaning after the night before.
- Harp: A piano in the nude.
- Harpist: A plucky musician.
- Hat: Something the average man covers his head with, the beggar passes around, t...
- Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
- Heckler: A guy who ribs you the wrong way.
- Heir Cut: Disinheritance.
- Heir Fare: Executor’s fee.
- Heirloom: Some old thing nobody liked well enough to wear out.
- Heredity: The bad traits a child gets from the other side of the family.
- Heredity: The thing a child gets from the other side of the family.
- Heredity: What a man believes in until his son begins to behave like a delinquen...
- Hero: One who is afraid to run away.
- Hey, watch this!
- Highbrow: One whose learning has outstripped his intelligence.
- Hindsight: What one experiences from changing too many diapers.
- Hip: Smartly attuned to the latest cutting-edge cliches.
- Hip: Smartly attuned to the latest cutting-edge cliches.
- Historian: An editor of yesterday’s news.
- Historians: People who won’t let bygones be bygones.
- History: An account, mostly false, of events, mostly unimportant, which are brou...
- History: The version of past events that people have decided to agree upon.
- Hobby: Something you do to have fun whether you enjoy it or not.
- Hole-In-One: An occurrence in which a ball is hit directly from the tee into the...
- Home: A place where a man is free to say anything he pleases because no one pays...
- Home: A place where man goes to raise a fuss because something went wrong at the...
- Home: The place where you can scratch any place you itch.
- Homosexual: A man’s man.
- Honest Politician: One who, when he is bought, will stay bought.
- Honesty: The fear of being caught.
- Honeymoon Sandwich: Just lettuce alone, with no dressing.
- Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting.
- Honeymoon: The morning after the knot before.
- Honeymoon: The vacation a man takes before starting to work for a new boss.
- Hook: Irritating but highly reliable device used to quickly locate the position ...
- Hooker: A working woman commonly despised by people who sell themselves for even...
- Hors d'oeuvres: A sandwich cut into 20 pieces.
- Horse: An oatsmobile.
- Hospital Bed: A parked taxi with the meter running.
- Hospital Room: A place where friends of the patient go to talk to other friends ...
- Hospital: A place where people who are run down wind up..
- Hospitality: The virtue which induces us to feed and lodge certain persons who a...
- Hot Dog: The only animal that feeds the hand that bites it.
- Hot Pants: Breeches of promise.
- House: Domicile purchased by married couples so they have some place to pour all...
- Houseplants: Vegetable companions; pleasant green pets that rarely bite or throw...
- Houseplants: Vegetable companions.
- Housewarming: The last call for wedding presents.
- Hula Dancer: A shake in the grass.
- Humility: The ability to act ashamed when you tell people how wonderful you are.
- Hunch: What you call an idea that you’re afraid is wrong.
- Husband: A man who lost his liberty in the pursuit of happiness.
- Husband: A person who is the boss of his house and has his wife’s permission t...
- Husband: A polygamous animal in a monogamous strait-jacket.
- Husband: One who stands by you in troubles you wouldn’t have had if you hadn...
- Husband: Someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he j...
- Hydroponic Gardening: Using a plant to convert water into yard work.
- Hypochondriac: One who can’t leave well-enough alone.
- Hypochondriac: One who enjoys poor health, then complains of feeling better.
- Hypochondriac: Someone who enjoys bad health.
- I guess the definition of a lunatic is a man surrounded by them.
- I.O.U.: A type of paper wait.
- I.T.: Customer Support without the common sense.
- Ice Fishing: Winter fishing method in which anglers use a variety of specialized...
- Ideologue: Typically an obscure humorless zealot who finds fulfillment by spouti...
- Idiot: A man who sees your point in an argument but refuses to see your way.
- Idiot: A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs h...
- If it’s sent by ship then it’s a cargo, if it’s sent by road then it’s a...
- Igloo: An icicle built for two.
- Ignoramus: A person unacquainted with certain kinds of knowledge familiar to you...
- Ignoramus: Someone who doesn’t know something that you learned yesterday.
- Imagination: What puts men in asylums unless they are crazy enough to put it dow...
- Immorality: The morality of those who are having a better time.
- Impossible Lie: In golf, a ball that is in a position that is both completely ob...
- Impossible: What nobody can do until somebody does it.
- Impotence: Emission impossible.
- Impotence: Nature’s way of saying “No Hard Feelings.”
- Impotent: Willy-nilly.
- Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
- In Mexico, we have a word for sushi… bait.
- Inch: Unit of measure whose length is consistently underestimated by men.
- Income Tax: The entry fee for the rat race.
- Income: The sum of money which it costs more than to live.
- Indifference: A woman’s feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man...
- Inertia: Tendency of a skier’s body to resist changes in direction or speed du...
- Infant Prodigies: Young people with highly imaginative parents.
- Infidel: In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian religion; in Con...
- Inflation: Being broke with a lot of money in your pocket.
- Inflation: When nobody has enough money because everybody has too much.
- Ingrate: A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of indigest...
- Inhibition: Being tied up in nots.
- Innocent Bystander: A person so simple-minded he doesn’t know enough to get ou...
- Insanity: Grounds for divorce in some states; grounds for marriage in all
- Insanity: Knowing that what you’re doing is completely idiotic, but still, som...
- Insider trading: Stealing too fast.
- Insomnia: contagious disease often transmitted from babies to parents.
- Insomnia: The inability to sleep even when it’s time to get up.
- Insurance: A form of gambling in which we bet our chance of escaping disaster, a...
- Insurance: An ingenious modern game of chance in which the player is permitted t...
- Intellectual: A guy who can keep his mind on a book at a beach.
- Intelligent conversationalist: One who nods his head in agreement while you’re...
- Interesting: A word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talki...
- Interior Decorator: A man who does things to your house he wouldn’t dream of d...
- Internship: A sleepless ordeal imposed on young M.D.’s for the purpose of weed...
- Interpreter: A ventriloquist using two dummies.
- Interpreter: One who enables two persons of different languages to understand ea...
- Intimacy: A relation into which fools are providentially drawn for their mutual ...
- Intimacy: The first step toward parenthood.
- Intuition: Suspicion in skirts.
- Intuition: That strange instinct that tells a woman she is right, whether she is...
- Intuition: The sixth sense that allows a woman five wrong guesses.
- Intuition: The strange instinct that tells a woman she is right whether she is o...
- Invitro Fertilization: The innoculate conception.
- Jazz Musician: A juggler who uses harmonies instead of oranges.
- Jealousy: The tribute mediocrity pays to genius.
- Jeans: Lower half of the international uniform of youth.
- Job: A place where you work just hard enough to avoid getting fired while gettin...
- Job: A state of employment everyone wants but few look forward to on a Monday mo...
- Joint Account: An account where one person does the depositing and the other the...
- Judge: A law student who grades his own papers.
- Judge: A lawyer who once knew a politician.
- Judge: A man in a trying position.
- Jumping At Conclusions: Not half as much exercise as digging for facts.
- Jury: A body of twelve men selected to decide which of the contestants has the b...
- Jury: A group of 12 people, who, having lied to the judge about their health, he...
- Jury: Twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.
- Justice: A decision in your favor.
- Juvenile Delinquents: Other people’s children.
- Karaoke: Japanese for “Drunk with Microphone.”
- Karate: The ancient Japanese art of getting people to buy lots of belts.
- Karma: Justice without the feeling of satisfaction.
- Keepsake: Something given us by someone we’ve forgotten.
- Key Ring: A handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once.
- Keyboard: The standard way to generate computer errors.
- Kidney: A complex organ used to convert beer into urine.
- Kill: To create a vacancy without nominating a successor.
- Kilt: A costume sometimes worn by Scotchmen in America and Americans in Scotland...
- Kin: An affliction of the blood.
- Kiss: A course of procedure, cunningly devised, for the mutual stoppage of conve...
- Kiss: A course of procedure, cunningly devised, for the mutual stoppage of speec...
- Kiss: What the child gets free, the young man steals, and the old man buys.
- Kleenex: Your daily nose-paper.
- Kleptomaniac: A thief with breeding.
- Kleptomaniac: A thief with breeding.
- Knitting: An exercise that gives women something to do when they are talking.
- Know-it-all: One who pretends to know something about everything but really know...
- Lawsuit: A contest generally won by the party that can afford to reimburse the l...
- Lawyer: A fellow who is willing to go out and spend your last cent to prove he...
- Lawyer: A professional advocate hired to bend the law on behalf of a paying clie...
- Lawyer: A professional advocate hired to bend the law on behalf of a paying clie...
- Lawyer: Men whom we hire to protect us from lawyers.
- Lawyer: One skilled in circumvention of the law.
- Laziness: The habit of resting before you get tired.
- Learned Fool: One who has read everything, and simply remembered it.
- Learning: The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious.
- Lecher: A stud with liver spots.
- Lecher: A stud with liver spots.
- Lecture: A process by which the notes of the professor become the notes of the s...
- Leftovers: Repast history.
- Legal: Used to mean lawful; now it means some kind of loophole.
- Legend: A lie that has attained the dignity of age.
- Lemonade Stand: Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar,...
- Liberal: A man who feel’s it’s his responsibility to spend a Conservative’...
- Liberal: A man with his mind open at both ends.
- Liberal: One who tolerates all beliefs and opinions except those with which he d...
- Liberal: Someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he propose...
- Liberty: Consists in giving everyone full right to mind everyone else’s busine...
- Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so you can die rich...
- Life: A breathing spell.
- Life: A continuous series of disasters which result in one’s death.
- Life: A play with a lousy third act.
- Life: A sexually transmitted disease with 100% fatality rate.
- Life: A span of time of which the first half is ruined by our parents and the se...
- Life: Coming into the world wit nothing, leaving with nothing and, in between, g...
- Limit: Maximum number of a particular fish that an angler can take in a day. Thi...
- Linguist: A person who can be misunderstood in many languages.
- Liposuction: A surgical procedure from which the patient emerges significantly l...
- Lisp: To Call a spade a thpade.
- Litigant: A person about to give up his skin for the hope of retaining his bones...
- Litigant: A person about to give up his skin for the hope of retaining his bones...
- Litigation: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.
- Logic: The art of going wrong with confidence.
- London: A place you go to get bronchitis.
- Longevity: Uncommon extension of the fear of death.
- Looting: A public shopping spree generously sponsored by local merchants in the ...
- Loquacity: A disorder which renders the sufferer unable to curb his tongue when ...
- Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
- Lottery: The equivalent of betting that the next pope will be from Duluth, or th...
- Love: A form of self-government under a two-party system.
- Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.
- Love: Oceans of emotions surrounded by expanses of expenses.
- Love: The triumph of imagination over intelligence.
- Luck: An explanation for the other fellows’ success.
- Luck: The thing that draws us for jury duty, but never for the lottery.
- Luxury Resort: One where a waiter expects a $2 tip when he presents a $6 bill fo...
- Madam: Someone for whom the belles toil.
- Major: Area of study that no longer interests you.
- Makeup: Lipstick, eyeliner, blush which ironically makes Mom look better while m...
- Makeup: What it takes to look natural.
- Man: An animal [whose]… chief occupation is the extermination of other ani...
- Management: A class of semi-skilled corporate hirelings whose rise within the or...
- Manager: Someone who doesn’t know how to do your job, who tells you how to do ...
- Manicurist: A girl who makes money hand over fist.
- Manners: Noises you don’t make when eating soup.
- Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.
- Maps: The shorthand of geography.
- Marital Freedom: The liberty that allows a husband to do exactly that which his ...
- Market Correction: The day after you buy stocks.
- Marriage ceremony: An incredible metaphysical sham of watching God and the law b...
- Marriage: A relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is...
- Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and throug...
- Marriage: A deal in which a man gives away half his groceries in order to get th...
- Marriage: A friendship recognized by the police.
- Marriage: A process of finding out what sort of guy your wife would have preferr...
- Marriage: The difference between painting the town and painting the back porch.
- Marriage: The mourning after the knot before.
- Marriage: The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistre...
- Martial Arts: A family of Asiatic self-defense disciplines consisting largely of...
- Martyr: One who moves along the line of least reluctance to a desired death.
- Mason-Dixon Line: A geographical division between “you all” and “youse guy...
- Math Anxiety: An intense lifelong fear of two trains approaching each other at s...
- Matrimony: A knot tied by a preacher and untied by a lawyer.
- Matrimony: The splice of life.
- Mausoleum: The final and funniest folly of the rich.
- Memorial Service: A farewell party for someone who has already left.
- Mercy: An attribute beloved of detected offenders.
- Middle age is when you go to bed at night and hope you feel better in the mornin...
- Middle age is when you stop criticizing the older generation and start criticizi...
- Middle Age: A time of life when winking at a girl is closing one eye to reality.
- Middle Age: That period in life when your idea of getting ahead is staying even.
- Middle Age: That period when a man begins to shed his hair, his teeth, and his i...
- Middle Age: That time of life when you'd rather not have a good time than r...
- Middle age: When a woman’s hair starts turning from gray to black.
- Middle Age: When you no longer care where your wife wants to go – so long as y...
- Middle Age: When your age starts to show around your middle the art of raising e...
- Military Expert: One who tells you what’s going to happen tomorrow – then te...
- Minister: A travel agent for the straight and narrow.
- Minor Operation: One performed on someone else.
- Miracle: An event described by those to whom it was told by men who did not see ...
- Mirror: A truthful reflector shunned by vampires, hypocrites and aging fashion m...
- Misconception: A pregnancy occurring while taking birth control pills.
- Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
- Miser: One who’s perfectly content to let the rest of the world go buy.
- Misnomer: The right name for the wrong word.
- Mission Statement: A long, awkward sentence that demonstrates management’s ina...
- Mixed Company: What you are in when you think of a story you can’t tell there.
- Modesty: Being comfortable that others will soon discover your greatness.
- Monarch: A king with a good publicity man.
- Monastery: Consecration camp.
- Monogamy: A marriage system in which subscribers are requested to return one wif...
- Monument: A structure intended to commemorate something which either needs no co...
- Morality: An instinctive sense of right and wrong that tells some people how eve...
- Motel: A love-inn.
- Mother-in-law: A woman who destroys her son-in-law’s peace of mind by giving h...
- Motherhood: If it was going to be easy, it never would have started with somethi...
- Mouse: An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.
- Mouth: In man, the gateway to the soul; in woman, the outlet of the heart.
- Mugger: A benevolent citizen of the streets who frequently spares the lives of t...
- Multitasking: Messing up several chores at the same time.
- My definition of a redundancy is an air bag in a politician's car.
- Narcissist: Psychoanalytic term for the person who loves himself more than his a...
- Necking: A passion fancy.
- Necktie: A decorative noose worn by businessmen.
- Negotiating: The art of persuading your opponent to take the nice shiny copper p...
- Neighbor: One whom we are commanded to love as ourselves, and who does all he kn...
- Neighbors: People who live near you, who are never around when you need to borro...
- Neighbors: The only people who listen to both sides of an argument.
- Neighbors: The strangers who live next door.
- Neighbors: The strangers who live next door.
- Nepotism: A form of favoritism – relatively speaking.
- Nepotism: Putting on heirs.
- Neurotic: A person who, when you ask how she is, tells you.
- Neurotic: Sane but unhappy about it.
- Neurotic: Someone who worries about things that didn’t happen in the past inst...
- Newborn Baby: Fresh heir.
- Newlywed: A man who puts up the storm windows the first time his wife suggests i...
- Newlywed: What you and your spouse will officially be considered until your firs...
- News: The same thing happening today that happened yesterday, but to different p...
- Newspaper: A publication that condemns gambling and promotes lottery numbers.
- Niagara Falls: The bride’s second great disappointment.
- Nice Girl: One who whispers sweet nothing-doings in your ear.
- Night Club: A place where they take the rest out of restaurant and put the din i...
- No Exit: A sign indicating the most convenient way out of a building.
- Noise: Earitation.
- Nostalgia: How long’s that been around?
- Nouvelle Cuisine, roughly translated, means: I can’t believe I paid ninety-six...
- Numismatics: Collecting money for fun.
- Nun: A creature of habit.
- Nursery: Bawl room.
- Nurses: Patient people.
- Nymphomania: A disease where the patient enjoys being bedridden.
- Oaf: An old fashioned jerk.
- Oar: Clumsy wooden implement used to moisten boat occupants.
- Obesity: A surplus gone to waist.
- Obituary: A final summation of our lives that, for most of us, occupies about th...
- Obsolete: Any computer you own.
- Old age is when you know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
- Old Age: When you don’t recognize either the host or the musical guest on Satu...
- Old Age: When you find yourself using one bend-over to pick up two things.
- Old Age: When you wink at a girl and she says, “Something wrong with your eyes...
- Omen: A sign that something will happen if nothing happens.
- Opening night: The night before the play is ready to open.
- Opportunist: A person who, finding himself in hot water, decides he needs a bath...
- Opportunist: One who goes ahead and does what you always planned to do.
- Opportunity: A favorable occasion for grasping a disappointment.
- Oppose: To assist with obstructions and objections.
- Optimist: A middle-aged man who believes that the cleaners have been shrinking t...
- Optimist: An anti-skeptic.
- Optimist: Someone who tells you to cheer up when things are going his way.
- Optometrist: A person you have to see.
- Oratory: The art of making deep noises from the chest sound like important messa...
- Organic Farm: Tilling like it is.
- Orgasm: The punchline some women just don’t get, generally because their mates...
- Originality: The art of concealing your source.
- Originality: Undetected plagiarism.
- Orthodox: Bone doctors.
- Osteopath: A man who works his fingers to your bones.
- Outdo: To make an enemy.
- Oven: Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and po...
- Overeat: To dine.
- Oyster: A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
- Pacifist: A fellow who could attend a peace conference without getting into a fi...
- Pain: An uncomfortable frame of mind that may have a physical basis in something...
- Painting: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them...
- Paradox: Two physicians.
- Parenthood: Feeding the mouth that bites you.
- Parents: One of the hardships of a minor’s life.
- Parents: People who bear infants, bore teenagers, and board newlyweds.
- Parents: The one thing children wear out faster than shoes.
- Parking Meter: An automatic device that bets a dollar to your nickel that you ca...
- Parking Space: An unfilled opening in an unending line of cars near an unapproac...
- Parking Space: An unoccupied place on the other side of the street.
- Parole: A period at the end of a sentence.
- Passport: A document treacherously inflicted upon a citizen going abroad, exposi...
- Patience: A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue.
- Patience: The quality you admire in the driver behind you but can’t stand in t...
- Patriotism: The willingness to kill and be killed for trivial reasons dreamed up...
- Patron: A customer who doesn't ask prices.
- Paunch: A bulging trunk.
- Peace: In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fig...
- Pediatrician: Man of little patients.
- Peeping Tom: A window fan.
- Penicillin: What to give a man who has everything.
- Penis: Part of the male anatomy which contains the brain.
- Penis: The male organ used to write one’s name in snow.
- Percussive Maintenance: Striking a recalcitrant piece of electronic hardware in ...
- Perfume: Any smell that is used to drown a worse one.
- Perfume: What a woman hopes will make her the scenter of attention.
- Pessimism: A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by the dishe...
- Pessimist: A person who looks at a doughnut and sees nothing but the hole.
- Pessimist: Someone who burns their bridges before they get to them.
- Petting: The study of anatomy in braille.
- Philanderer: A man who considers himself too good to be true.
- Philanthropist: A rich (and usually bald) old gentleman who has trained himself ...
- Philanthropist: One who gives away what he should give back.
- Philanthropist: One who returns to the people publicly what he steals from them ...
- Phillips Screwdriver: Used to round off Phillips screw heads.
- Philosopher: One who, instead of crying over spilt milk, consoles himself with t...
- Philosophers: People who talk about something they don’t understand, and make ...
- Philosophy: A study which enables man to be unhappy more intelligently.
- Philosophy: Common sense in a dress suit.
- Photograph: A picture painted by the sun without instruction in art.
- Physician: One upon whom we set our hopes when ill and our dogs when well.
- Piano: A parlor utensil for subduing the impertinent visitor. It is operated by ...
- Pickpocket: A man who believes that every crowd has a silver lining.
- Plagiarism: Failure to adorn stolen ideas with footnotes, as opposed to scholars...
- Plagiarize: To take the thought or style of another writer whom one has never, n...
- Plumber: A drain surgeon.
- Pocket Watch: A watch for people who don’t like having time on their hands.
- Poise: The act of raising the eyebrows instead of the roof.
- Politeness: The most acceptable hypocrisy.
- Politeness: The most acceptable hypocrisy.
- Politician: A fellow who borrows your pot in which to cook your goose.
- Politician: One who is willing to do anything on earth for the workers except be...
- Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
- Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds fro...
- Politics: Where people work hard to get a job and do nothing after they get it.
- Polygamy – the art of parrot-folding.
- Poor man: One feels genuinely sorry for him.
- Positive Thinking: self-improvement through self-deception.
- Positive: Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
- Post Office: U.S. Snail.
- Post Operative: Letter carrier
- Pray: To ask the laws of the universe to be annulled on behalf of a single petit...
- Pregnancy: The shape of things to come.
- Preheat: To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before cooking a di...
- Prejudice: A great time-saver that enables one to form opinions without botherin...
- Prescription: A physician's guess at what will best prolong the situation w...
- Presidency: The greased pig in the field game of American politics.
- Price: Value, plus a reasonable sum for the wear and tear of conscience in deman...
- Procrastination: The art of keeping up with yesterday.
- Profanity: The father tongue.
- Professional model: cheekbones that sell cosmetics; hipbones that sell anorexia.
- Professor: A person whose job is to tell students how to solve the problems of l...
- Propaganda: Baloney disguised as food for thought.
- Propaganda: Patriotism as practiced by our enemies.
- Prophylactic: A rubber check.
- Prostitute: A busy body.
- Psychiatrist: A head coach.
- Psychiatrists: People with the same problems as anyone else, but with an accent.
- Psychology: The care of the id by the odd.
- Psychology: The science that tells you what you already know in words you can’...
- Psychology: The science that tells you what you already know in words you can’...
- Puberty: The awkward age when a child is too old to say something cute and too y...
- Pun: A short quip followed by a long groan.
- Punctuality: The art of arriving for an appointment just in time to be indignant...
- Punctuality: The art of guessing correctly how late the other party is going to ...
- Punctuality: Waiting around for other people.
- Puritan: A person who pours righteous indignation into the wrong things.
- Puttering: Woman’s word for man’s work.
- Quadruplets: Four crying out loud.
- Quagmire: Any situation more easily entered into than exited from; e.g., a guerr...
- Quality Control: The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off ...
- Quality of Life: What an industrialized nation is said to offer when enough of i...
- Quartet: Four men, all of whom think that the other three can’t sing.
- Queen: A woman by whom the realm is ruled when there is a king, and through whom...
- Quickie: No sooner spread than done.
- Quiet: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first ...
- Quotation: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.
- Race Track: Where thousands of people can get taken for a ride on the same horse...
- Racehorse: A barn athlete.
- Racehorse: A fast means of redistributing wealth.
- Radical: Anyone whose opinion differs from ours.
- Rational: Devoid of all delusions save those of observation, experience and refl...
- Rattlesnake: Tattle tail.
- Realtor: A man with lots to sell.
- Rear: In American military matters, that exposed part of the army that is neares...
- Reckless Driver: One who passes you on the highway in spite of all you can do.
- Recollect: To recall with additions something not previously known.
- Reconsider: To seek a justification for a decision already made.
- Recount: In American politics, another throw of the dice, accorded to the player...
- Recursion: If you still don't get it, See: Recursion.
- Redneck: Popular term for a rustic male, but rarely employed when addressing one...
- Reducing: Wishful shrinking.
- Refinement: The ability to yawn without opening your mouth.
- Reform: To gain or lose weight.
- Reformer: One who wants his conscience to be your guide.
- Regret: Insight that comes a day too late.
- Rejoinder: Married his ex.
- Reoriented: Sent back to China.
- Reparation: Satisfaction that is made for a wrong and deducted from the satisfac...
- Reporter: A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a tempes...
- Repressed: Sitting on one’s inner demon to keep it decorously immobilized, as ...
- Resolute: Obstinate in a course that we approve.
- Respirator: An apparatus fitted over the nose and mouth… whereby to filter...
- Retirement: The time of life when you stop lying about your age and start lying ...
- Retraction: The revision of an insult to give it wider circulation.
- Reunion: When you meet people your own age who all look a lot older than you.
- Revolution: An abrupt change in the form of misgovernment.
- Revolutionary: An oppressed person waiting for the opportunity to become an oppr...
- Revolutionary: An oppressed person waiting for the opportunity to become an oppr...
- Rhetoric: Language in a dress suit.
- Riding: The art of keeping a horse between yourself and the ground.
- Righteous Indignation: Your own wrath, as opposed to the shocking bad temper of ...
- Riot: A popular entertainment given to the military by innocent bystanders.
- Rite: A religious or semi-religious ceremony fixed by law, precept or custom, wi...
- Road: A strip of land along which one may pass from where it is too tiresome to ...
- Roulette: A wheel that seldom takes a turn for the bettor.
- Rugby: A game played by gentlemen with odd-shaped balls.
- Rum: Generically, fiery liquors that produce madness in total abstainers.
- Rummage Sale: Where you buy stuff from somebody else’s attic to store in your ...
- Rumor: A favorite weapon of the assassins of character.
- Sabbatical: A Latin word meaning, “I quit, but you won’t know it for certain...
- Sadist: A person who is kind to a masochist.
- Saint: A dead sinner, revised and edited.
- Sales Resistance: The triumph of mind over patter.
- Sanitation Worker: The title conferred on garbage men when they started earnin...
- Sarcasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who does...
- Sarong: A simple garment carrying the implicit promise that it will not long sta...
- Satan: The scarecrow in the religious cornfield.
- Savages: People who don’t know what is wrong until missionaries show them.
- Scholarly Debate: Feud for thought.
- Science Fiction: Fairy tales for nerds.
- Science: An orderly arrangement of what, at the moment, seems to be the facts.
- Scissors: A piece maker.
- Scotsman: A man who, before sending his pajamas to the laundry, stuffs a sock in...
- Scriptures: The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the fal...
- Seamstress: 250 pounds in a size 6.
- Second Place: The first loser.
- Secret: Information you tell to one person at a time.
- Secret: What we tell everybody to tell nobody.
- Self-esteem: An erroneous appraisement.
- Self-evident: Evident to one's self and to nobody else.
- Self-made Man: A horrible example of unskilled labor.
- Self-respect: The secure feeling that no one, as yet, is suspicious.
- Selfish: Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.
- Selfishness: A state of mine.
- Selfishness: Annoying quality of someone who has what I want, but is not prepare...
- Senate: A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and misdemeanors.
- Senility: A cleansing of the mental blackboard shortly before class is dismissed...
- Senility: The pleasantly rueful experience of forgetting what we’ve forgotten.
- Senior Executive: Anyone with an office on the carpeted corridor.
- Sense Of Humor: Being able to laugh at your friends’ misfortunes.
- Sewing Circle: A group of women who needle each other.
- Sewing Circle: Where friendship hangs by a thread.
- Sex Education: Sermon on the mount.
- Sex: The formula by which one and one makes three.
- Shakespeare: A man whose writings are so excellent it’s believed someone else ...
- Shallowness: The root cause of chronic good health, high school popularity, appe...
- Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
- Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
- Shoplifter: A person with a gift of grab.
- Shoplifting: Free enterprise.
- Short Vacation: Half a loaf.
- Showoff: A child who is more talented than yours.
- Shyster: The other fellow’s lawyer.
- Siamese Twins: First person plural.
- Sidesaddle: How men, rather than women, would ride in a truly logical world.
- Silence: Having nothing to say and saying it.
- Silence: True wisdom’s best reply.
- Silicone Treatment: The bust that money can buy.
- Sinker: Lead weight attached to the end of a length of fishing line to facilitat...
- Skeleton: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
- Skeptic: One who won’t take know for an answer.
- Slander: To lie, or tell the truth about someone.
- Slander: To lie, or tell the truth, about someone.
- Slang: Language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes to work.
- Sleeping Bag: A nap sack.
- Sleet: A slipcover.
- Slogan: A good old American substitute for the facts.
- Small Town: A place where everybody knows the troubles you’ve seen.
- Small Town: A place where nothing happens every minute.
- Small Town: Where everybody is interested in what the Joneses will name the late...
- Small Town: Where everybody knows what everybody else is doing, and all buy the ...
- Smile: To expose a portion of one’s skeleton as a gesture of goodwill toward a...
- Smile: To expose a portion of one’s skeleton as a gesture of goodwill toward a...
- Smuggler: One who neglects his duty to his country.
- Snoring: Sheet music.
- Snoring: Sound sleeping.
- Social Diseases: Germs of endearment.
- Sociology: Journalism without news.
- Sound Sleeper: Someone who snores.
- Spanking: Stern punishment.
- Spanking: To impress upon the mind from the bottom up.
- Specialist: A doctor whose patients are expected to confine their ailments to of...
- Specialist: A man who knows more and more about less and less.
- Spilt Milk: Udder waste.
- Spine: A long, limber bone. Your head sets on one end and you set on the other.
- Spinster: A lady in waiting.
- Spinster: An unlusted number.
- Sport: War without killing.
- Spouse: Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn'...
- Sprouts: Innocent green plants snatched in their infancy and devoured alive by r...
- Star: A performer who makes more than his or her agent.
- State-Of-The-Art: Soon-to-be-obsolete.
- State-of-the-Art: Soon-to-be-obsolete.
- Statesman: A politician away from home.
- Statesman: A politician who is held upright by equal pressure from all direction...
- Statesman: An ex-politician who has mastered the art of holding his tongue.
- Statistician: A man who believes figures don’t lie, but admits that under anal...
- Statistician: A person who believes that if you put your head in a furnace and y...
- Statistician: A person who can draw a mathematically precise line from an unwarr...
- Statistician: One who knows which numbers to use in any eventuality.
- Statistician: Someone who is good with numbers, but lacks the personality to be ...
- Statistics: The only science that enables different experts using the same figur...
- Status Quo: Latin for “the mess we’re in.”
- Sterile Solution: Vasectomy.
- Sterilize: What you do to your baby’s first pacifier by boiling it, and to you...
- Stock Market: A popular game of chance in which moneyed speculators gamble with ...
- Stomach: A bowl-shaped cavity containing the organs of indigestion.
- Stomach: The home of the swallow.
- Strapless Gown: A compromise between the law of decency and the law of gravity.
- Strip Poker: A game in which the more you lose the more you have to show for it.
- Strip Teaser: One who makes a bare living.
- Stroke-Of-Luck: Hole-in-One.
- Stroke: Any forward movement of the golf club that is made with the intention of...
- Subsidy: A formula devised by politicians to give you back some of your own mone...
- Suburbia: Where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them.
- Summer camp is where the parents spend a thousand dollars so their daughter can ...
- Summer Camps: Those places where little boys go for mother’s vacation.
- Sunburn: Getting what you basked for.
- Sunday School: A prison in which children do penance for the evil conscience of ...
- Suntan: A pigment of your imagination.
- Sweater: Garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.
- Sympathizer: A fellow that’s for you as long as it doesn’t cost anything.
- Sympathy: What one usually gives to a friend or relative when he doesn’t want ...
- Sympathy: What one woman offers another in exchange for details.
- Synonym: A word you use when you can’t spell the other word.
- Tabloid: A screamlined newspaper.
- Tact: The ability to arrive at conclusions without expressing them.
- Tact: The ability to describe others as they see themselves.
- Tact: The ability to describe others as they see themselves.
- Tact: The art of knowing how far one may go too far.
- Tact: The art of saying nothing when there is nothing to say.
- Tact: The knack of making a point without making an enemy.
- Tailor: An occupation that suits everyone.
- Take Home Pay: An amount of money which is called that because it is never big e...
- Take: To acquire, frequently by force but preferably by stealth.
- Tariff: A scale of taxes on imports, designed to protect the domestic producer a...
- Taste: (female Interpretation): Something you do frequently to whatever you’re...
- Tattoo: Permanent proof of temporary insanity.
- Tavern: Thirst come, thirst served.
- Tax Reform: Taking the taxes off things that have been taxed in the past and put...
- Taxation: The process by which money is collected from the people to pay the sal...
- Taxes: A funding method which allows people to test their powers of deduction.
- Taxi Driver: Worker who earns a living by driving customers away.
- Taxidermist: A man who mounts animals.
- Taxpayer: A person who has the government on his payroll.
- Taxpayer: One who doesn’t have to pass a civil service exam to work for the go...
- Teacher: A disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.
- Teacher: A person who swore she would starve before teaching, and who has been d...
- Teachers: United Mind Workers.
- Tears: A good-bye product.
- Tears: Remorse code.
- Technology: The knack of so arranging the world that we need not experience it.
- Teenagers: People who express a burning drive to be different by dressing alike.
- Teenagers: People who get hungry again before the dishes are even washed.
- Teenagers: Those old enough to know everything.
- Teetotaler: One who abstains from strong drink, sometimes totally, sometimes tol...
- Telemarketer: A minimum waged person who calls a bunch of people on a list to se...
- Telephone: A contrivance for letting us talk to people whom we don’t want to m...
- Telephone: An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of m...
- Television Programming: Material that fills the time between commercials.
- Television: A means of getting a babysitter so Mom and Dad can get out to the mo...
- Temptation: Something which, when resisted, gives happiness and which, when yiel...
- Testosterone: Hormone which causes facial hair, muscularity, a deep voice, speed...
- Thanks: A down payment on the next favor.
- The best definition of an honest politician is one who… when he is bought, sta...
- The Chinese food in China is not better than the Chinese food here, mostly becau...
- The Cocktail Party: A device for paying off obligations to people you don’t wa...
- The word ‘politics’ is derived from the word ‘poly,’ meaning ‘many,’...
- Theatre director: a person engaged by the management to conceal the fact that th...
- Theory: A hunch with a college education.
- Thingy: Female Interpretation: Any part under a car’s hood; Male Interpretat...
- Three stages of sex in a man’s life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.
- Thrift: Common sense applied to spending.
- Time: The arbitrary division of eternity.
- Tips: Wages we pay other people’s help.
- Tissue: Your daily nosepaper.
- To be positive: To be mistaken at the top of one's voice.
- Toast: The only thing that can be eaten or drunk.
- Toastmaster: A gentleman who introduces a gentleman who needs no introduction.
- Tolerance: Another word for indifference.
- Tolerance: That uncomfortable feeling that the other fellow might be right after...
- Tomorrow: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
- Tomorrow: What always comes but never arrives.
- Toothache: The pain that drives you to extraction.
- Toupée: Top secret.
- Toupée: Top secret.
- Traffic Light: A little green light that changes to red as your car approaches.
- Traffic Light: A trick to get pedestrians halfway across the street safely.
- Travel Brochure: A trip teaser.
- Trick Photography: Focus pocus.
- Tricycle: A tot rod.
- Trojan Horse: A phony pony.
- Trombones: Bones in an orchestra.
- Troops: Expendable bodies sent by the government to stop bullets during obscure ...
- Truce: Friendship.
- Truck Driver: A man who has the opportunity to run into so many nice people.
- Truthful: Dumb and illiterate.
- Tube Dress: A dress which is an extended boob tube.
- Twice: Once too often.
- Twilight: All the difference between day and night.
- Twin: A double-take.
- Twins: Infant replay.
- Twins: Womb-mates.
- Two-minute warning: When your baby’s face turns red and she begins to make tho...
- Ultimatum: In diplomacy, a last demand before resorting to concessions.
- Umbilical Cord: Baby bungee.
- Umbrella: A movable roof.
- Umbrella: A shelter for one and a shower for two.
- Umpire: The original strike arbitrator.
- Un-American: Wicked, intolerable, heathenish.
- Unabated: A fishhook without a worm.
- Undertaker: The last guy to let you down.
- Underwater Swimmer: One who practices submersive activitites.
- Underwear: An article of clothing which, when kept clean, ensures the wearer wil...
- Unemployment: The usual alternative to overwork.
- Unimpeachable Source: The guy that started the rumor in the first place.
- Union: A dues-paying club workers wield to strike management.
- Unitarian: One who denies the divinity of a Trinitarian.
- University: A college with a stadium seating more than sixty thousand.
- University: A modern school where football is taught.
- Unopposed candidate: An officeholder who has mastered the art of campaign reform...
- Untold Wealth: That which does not appear on income tax returns.
- Unwed Mother: One who helps perpetuate the genes of an unwed father, without the...
- Upgraded and Improved: Didn't work the second time.
- Upgraded: Didn't work the first time.
- Upper Crust: People stuck together by their dough.
- Urinal: The one place where all men are peers.
- Urinal: The one place where all men are peers.
- Urinalysis: The study of pissed off people.
- User-Friendly: Of or pertaining to any feature, device or concept that makes per...
- Users: Computer users are divided into three types: Novice users: people who are...
- Vacation: A change of routine that makes you feel good enough to go back to work...
- Vacation: A period during which people find out where to stay away from next yea...
- Vacation: Where you take the family to get away from it all, only to find it the...
- Vaccination: An ouch of prevention.
- Vaccine: A microbe with his face washed.
- Vacuum Cleaner: A sonic broom.
- Vasectomy: Never having to say you’re sorry.
- Vasectomy: Spoil the rod… spare the child.
- VD: The gift that keeps on giving.
- Vegetable: A substance used to ballast a child’s plate while it’s carried to...
- Vegetarian: Indian word for bad hunter.
- Venereal Disease: Germs of endearment.
- Ventriloquist: A man who never speaks for himself.
- Ventriloquist: A man with a dummy who always talks to himself.
- Vice: A function to keep virtue within reasonable bounds.
- Violinist: A high-strung musician.
- Virtue: Insufficient temptation.
- Virtue: Lack of opportunity.
- Virus: A Latin medical term meaning, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
- Vision: Looking farther than you can see.
- Vote: The instrument and symbol of a freeman’s power to make a fool of himself...
- Voting: A process of standing in line for the opportunity to help decide which p...
- Vuja de: The feeling you've never been here.
- Vulgarity: The conduct of others.
- Waffle: A pancake with a nonskid tread.
- Wagging Tail: A happy ending.
- Waiter: A guy who believes money grows on a tray.
- Wedding License: A certificate that gives a woman the legal right to drive a man...
- Wedding Ring: A one-man band.
- Wedding: A ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one undertakes...
- Weed: A plant whose virtues have not been discovered.
- Whiskey: The best thing to take for a headache – the night before.
- Whistle: Wind having a narrow escape.
- White Lie: Aversion of the truth.
- White Supremacists: The most convincing argument against the theory of white rac...
- Whoa!: A brake for horses.
- Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into “get a sponge.”
- Widow: A woman who knows her husband’s whereabouts at all times.
- Wife Swapping: Sexual fourplay.
- Wife: A former sweetheart.
- Wig: A convertible top.
- Will: A dead giveaway.
- Wind: Weather on the go.
- Window Dresser: A girl who doesn’t pull down the shades.
- Window Screen: A device for keeping flies in the house.
- Window Shopping: Eye browsing.
- Window: A looking-out glass.
- Wink: A whether signal.
- Winter: The time of year when it gets later earlier.
- Wisdom: Knowing when to speak your mind and when to mind your speech.
- Wolf: A fellow who wants his hands on a girl, but doesn’t want a girl on his h...
- Woman: A creature who is either making a fool out of man, or making a man out of...
- Woman: A creature whom God made beautiful that man might love her, and unreasona...
- Woman: A person who needs a shoe larger on the inside than outside.
- Woman: An animal… having rudimentary susceptibility to domestication…...
- Wood: That remarkable material which burns so easily in a forest and with such d...
- Woodpecker: A knocking bird.
- Work: An unpopular way to earn money.
- World: A place that was built in six days – and looks it.
- Worry: Interest paid on trouble before it falls due.
- Wrinkles: Something other people have… you have character lines.
- X Chromosome: a genetic double-cross that empowers women with the ability to bea...
- X Chromosome: Sex chromosome responsible for the desire of dust ruffles, pillow ...
- X-chromosome: A genetic double-cross that empowers women with the ability to bea...
- X-Ray: A diagnostic tool used to detect existing cancerous growths and create ne...
- X: The signature of a happy man.
- Xylophone: Small toy musical instrument often given as gifts to children who sho...
- Y Chromosome: A line of genes designed for men only.
- Y Chromosome: The cause of virility, war, baldness, hockey, sex crimes, clever i...
- Y Chromosome: The cause of virility, war, baldness, hockey, sex crimes, clever i...
- Y-chromosome: A line of genes designed for men only; the cause of virility, war,...
- Yacht: A floating debt.
- Yankee: The same as a quickie, but you can do it by yourself.
- Yardstick: One foot on each side and one in the middle.
- Yawn: An honest opinion openly expressed.
- Yawn: It’s always dullest just before the yawn.
- Yawn: Opening one’s mouth and wishing that others would close theirs.
- Year: A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
- Year: The exact length of time that will pass from the day you get married to th...
- Yearbook: A book of pictures that get nerdier with time.
- Yesterday: The infancy of youth, the youth of manhood, the entire past of age.
- Yodeling: Slope opera.
- Yogurt: Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented mi...
- Younger Generation: A group that is alike in many disrespects.
- Youth: A good substitute for experience.
- Youth: That brief period, as distinguished from childhood or middle age, when th...
- Youth: The first fifty years of your life… the first twenty of anyone else’s...
- Zeal: A certain nervous disorder afflicting the young and inexperienced.
- Zeal: A nervous disorder affecting the young and inexperienced.
- Zebra: A horse behind bars.
- Zigzag: The shortest distance between two drinks.
- Zircon: A diamond falsie.
- Zoo: A place devised for animals to study the habits of human beings.
- Zoo: A place of refuge where wild animals are protected from people.
- Zoo: A place where humans go and animals are barred.
- Zoo: A pleasant and instructive wildlife park, lately denounced for depriving an...
- Zucchini: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before kids ref...