Random One-Liners

He came out of it smelling like a bandit.

Mixed metaphors

I wonder sometimes if manufacturers of foolproof items keep a fool or two on their payroll to test things.

(1938 – 2007) British writer
Fools Intelligence People Things

I've finally stopped getting dumber.

Epitaphs

From now on I'm watching your every move with a fine-toothed comb.

(1908 – 1997) German-born teacher, academic & humorist
Mixed metaphors

Confucius say… who mix poison ivy with four leaf clover, have rash of good luck.

Confucius say

Wilder than a March hare

Miscellaneous

Surveys show that the #1 fear of Americans is public speaking. #2 is death. Death is #2. That means that at a funeral, the average American would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Death TV/Movie Quotes

Acting is merely the art of keeping a large number of people from coughing.

(1902 – 1983) English actor
Acting Entertainment Occupations

The art of politics consists in knowing precisely when it is necessary to hit an opponent slightly below the belt.

(1876 – 1967) German statesman
Government Politics

Man Critical After Bus Backs Into Him

Headlines

I had to take the batteries out of the carbon monoxide detector… it was beeping all night.

(1976 – ) English stand-up comedian & actor
Things

Hydroponic Gardening: Using a plant to convert water into yard work.

Definitions

If you go to war pray once; if you go on a sea journey pray twice; but pray three times when you are going to be married.

Marriage Proverbs

I'd trade Larry Murphy for a shaved monkey who could skate and a bucket of pucks.

Hockey Sports

The only person who ever left the Iron Curtain wearing it.

(1906 – 1972) pianist, composer, author, comedian & actor
Clothing Insults

Beneath this stone, in hopes of Zion, doth lie the landlord of the lion; his son keeps on the business still, resigned unto the heavenly will.

Epitaphs

Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public; they can learn in private; in public they have to know.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Learning Men People

Why does every flight attendant seem like they are going through a divorce?

(1974 – ) American comedian
Occupations Work

Special Events Mark Domestic Violence Month

Headlines

The worst part is that I don’t even have the fun of doing the things I’m getting blamed for.

(1955 – ) cartoonist (Calvin and Hobbes)
Problems

I'm thirty years old, but I read at the thirty-four-year-old level.

(1955 – ) actor & comedian
Age Communication Reading/Writing