Random One-Liners

Instant classic

Oxymorons

You can beat a dead horse to water, but you can't make him drink.

Mixed metaphors

Relax… this won't hurt.

(1937 – 2005) journalist & author
Last words

Peter Marshall: Are there any nudist camps in Italy?

Paul Lynde: No, the flies would eat you alive.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor
Hollywood Squares

If you can’t navigate a one-level, five-item phone tree, you didn’t need a computer anyway.

Computers Murphy’s Laws Things

Some people say I play erratic golf. What they mean is I frequently play lousy.

American professional golfer
Golf Sports

I took my parents back to the airport today. They leave tomorrow.

(1905–1982) American sportswriter
Misspokements

I am curious to see what happens in the next world to one who dies unshriven.

(c.1446/1450 – 1523) Italian Renaissance painter
Last words

[to the family] Dinner's gonna be late. [goes outside] Here, boy! Here, boy!


TV/Movie Quotes

Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Beliefs Opinion

Ambidextrous: Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Communication Definitions Language

Jimmy Hill: Don’t sit on the fence Terry, what chance do you think Germany has got of getting through?

Venables: I think it’s fifty-fifty.

English football player & manager
Misspokements Sports

I thank God I was raised Catholic, so sex will always be dirty.

(1946 – ) filmmaker, actor & writer
Religion Sex

Clint Eastwood is arriving… and here is Raquel Welch’s car… and here’s Alfred Hitchcar’s cock.

Misspokements

I was much further out than you thought, and not waving but drowning.

stand-up comedian, actor, writer & producer
Miscellaneous

I just gave my cat a bath; now how do I get all this fur off my tongue?

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
Animals Cats

Information travels more surely to those with a lesser need to know.

Intelligence Murphy’s Laws People

The ‘g’ is silent… the only thing about her that is.

(1959 – ) English writer & columnist
Communication Insults Speech

Analysis: Jobs End Welfare

Headlines

Tigers Shoot Down Gunship

Headlines

Say what you want about the deaf…

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Communication People Speech