Random One-Liners

Peter Marshall: According to Zsa Zsa, does black look sexy on a woman?

Redd Foxx: I wouldn’t have it any other way.

(1922 – 1991) American comedian
Hollywood Squares

Life, liberty, and the pursuit of justice for all

Mixed metaphors

In basketball, the first person to touch the ball shoots it. Either that or the coach carefully diagrams a set play and then the first player to touch it shoots it.

owner of the Seattle SuperSonics
Basketball Sports

Just as long as the real thing and twice as noisy.

(1899 – 1973) English playwright, actor, composer, director & songwriter
Reviews/Criticism

"Here I lie, and no wonder I am dead, for the wheel of a wagon went over my head."

Epitaphs

I wish people were like Internet videos and you could tap them lightly to see a clock of how much longer they’re going to be talking.

Communication People Speech

You call this a party? The beer is warm, the women cold and I’m hot under the collar.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Activities TV/Movie Quotes

Working vacation

Oxymorons

You couldn’t hit a bull in the butt with a bass fiddle.

Miscellaneous

To write an autobiography of Groucho Marx would be as asinine as to read an autobiography of Groucho Marx.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Books Communication Reading/Writing

Golf is the most fun you can have without taking your clothes off.

(1935 – ) Puerto Rican professional golfer
Activities Golf Sports

Mr. Lawrence looked like a plaster gnome on a stone toadstool in some suburban garden… he looked as if he had just returned from spending an uncomfortable night in a very dark cave.

(1887 – 1964) English biographer, critic, novelist & poet
Appearance Insults

Men in high levels of government seldom surf.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Activities Government Men Occupations People Work

The way defenses are operating these days, the other team starts picking you up when you walk out of the hotel lobby.

American college basketball coach
Basketball Sports

All I want is a warm bed, a kind word and unlimited power.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist
People Self Situations

Why spend astronomical amounts on so-called scientific research to go to another planet?

Mixed metaphors

Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things

It’s innocence when it charms us, ignorance when it doesn’t.

(1913 – 1983) journalist & author
Communication Emotions Happiness Intelligence Stupidity

You mean there aren’t enough people mad at me already?

(1911 – 2004) 40th U.S. president & actor
People Self

80% of the final exam will be based on the one lecture you missed and the one book you didn’t read.

Education Murphy’s Laws School

This film appears to be something of an homage to "Some Like it Hot", which is kind of like saying that a bum taking a crap in a dumpster is an homage to “Star Wars.”

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)
Reviews/Criticism