Random One-Liners

Dumber 'n a sack of wet mice

Miscellaneous

Close the barn door after you've led the horse to water.

Mixed metaphors

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot… but I always found them.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Parents Places

Adolescence begins when children stop asking questions – because they know all the answers.

(1899 – 1995) humorist
Age Intelligence

It's a pity you didn't have a little more brandy; it might have made you more agreeable!

(1899 – 1973) English playwright, actor, composer, director & songwriter
Insults

There are 32 points to the compass, meaning that there are 32 directions in which a spoon can squirt grapefruit; yet, the juice almost invariably flies straight into the human eye.

Murphy’s Laws

Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents.  I said to him, “Do you think we’ll ever find them?”  He said, “I don’t know kid; there’s so many places they can hide.”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Fathers Self

I've thought about buying those new, long distance balls, but I wonder, what's the point of hitting golf balls even further out of bounds?

(1941 – ) poet, author, editor & anthologist
Golf Sports

Silence: True wisdom’s best reply.

Definitions Wisdom

I am the most spontaneous speaker in the world because every word, every gesture, and every retort has been carefully rehearsed.

(1856 – 1950) Irish playwright & socialist
Communication Speech

Bridegroom: A man who is amazed at the outcome of what he thought was a harmless little flirtation.

Definitions

I like cottage cheese. That's why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink

The devil slipped in like a weasil – And down to Hell he took old Kezle.

Epitaphs

He has a bungalow mind.

(1856 – 1924) 28th U.S. president & politician
Insults

You won’t regret the men you never killed, but you will regret the women you passed up.

(1944 – ) English author
Characteristics People Women

Of pneumonia supervening consumption complicated with other diseases, the main symptoms of which was insanity.

Epitaphs

Lilith: Well, I’m off. I don’t know what the future holds. Whatever happens, I only hope I can realize my full potential. To acquire things the old Lilith never had.

Carla: Like a body temperature?

(1948 – ) American actress
TV/Movie Quotes

It is a cliché that most clichés are true, but then like most clichés, that cliché is untrue.

(1957 – ) English actor, writer, journalist, comedian & film director
Communication Language

Now I don’t have to tell you good folks what’s been happening in our beloved little town. Sheriff murdered, crops burned, stores looted, people stampeded, and cattle raped. The time has come to act, and act fast – I’m leaving.

(1916 –1976) American actor
TV/Movie Quotes

Here's to our wives and sweethearts – may they never meet.

(1863 – 1915) American actor
Marriage Wives

Men and nations will act rationally towards each other only after all other possibilities have been exhausted.

Characteristics Intelligence Murphy’s Laws People