Random One-Liners

Deer Congress To Be Held In Cork

Headlines

You've also got to measure in order to begin to effect change that's just more — when there's more than talk, there's just actual—a paradigm shift.

(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president
Bushisms

Even my players aren't players.

(1890 – 1975) American baseball manager
Baseball Misspokements Sports

I hate going to funerals because I’m not a mourning person.

(1946 – ) American comedian, actor & voice actor
Communication Death Wordplay

Since no matter can be created or destroyed (excluding nuclear and cafeteria substances), as one attempts to remove unwanted material (i.e., trash) from one's living space, the remaining material mutates so as to occupy 30 to 50 percent more than its original volume.

Murphy’s Laws

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Activities Clothing Sex Things Women

I saw a license plate yesterday that said 'I Miss New York,' so I smashed their window and stole their radio.

(1962 – ) American actor & comedian
New York City Places Problems

God Sends A Sign To The Heathen In The Chevy

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Headlines

Falsies: A helpful aid to any girl in acquiring a disappointed husband.

Appearance Clothing Definitions

Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.

(1909 – 2000) Danish-born comedian & pianist
Emotions Laughter

I ask myself questions in those stores I don't ask myself anywhere else, like, 'Will I live long enough to use all those paper towels?'

American comedian & musician
Age Old Shopping

A dropped object will fall with an acceleration of 32 feet per second per second, and if it is your wallet, it will make every effort to land in a public toilet.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Accidents Murphy’s Laws Problems

Sanitary sewer

Oxymorons

No matter how many beautifully crafted, near-to-perfection baked goods you crank out on a regular basis, the moment one such item becomes required in some official capacity, it will flop.

Cooking Food/Drink Murphy’s Laws

If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?

Situations

Don't call him a cowboy, till you've seen him ride.

Miscellaneous

I bowl'd, I struck, I caught, I stopp'd. Sure life's a game of cricket; I block'd with care, with caution popp'd, yet Death has hit my wicket.

Epitaphs

It would have been cheaper to lower the Atlantic.

(1906 – 1998) Russian-born English film producer & media mogul
Entertainment Film

His tattoos are like shit that you wrote on the cover of your notebook.

(1968 – ) American stand-up comedian
Insults Things

First of all, if you are gambling and you've gotta get change for a nickel – it's over.

comedian
Activities Money

I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk and a moose.

(1913 – 2006) 36th U.S. president
Golf Sports