Random One-Liners

Free safety

Oxymorons

Congratulations, Congress! 77% disapproval rating! You may be about to become the English language’s most offensive C-word.

(1977 – ) British political comedian & television host
Congress Government

Using words to describe magic is like using a screwdriver to cut roast beef.

(1936 – ) novelist
Communication Food/Drink Language Things

Stroke: Any forward movement of the golf club that is made with the intention of hitting and moving the ball and is observed by another golfer.

Definitions Golf Sports

This is the grave of Mike O'Day, Who died maintaining his right of way. His right was clear, his will was strong. But he's just as dead as if he'd been wrong.

Epitaphs

Frank, you deserve a knighthood, or maybe even Lord of the Rings.

Irish television & radio presenter
Boxing Misspokements Sports

Confucius say… never tell a secret to a pig, it may squeal.

Confucius say

Life is strange; every so often a good man wins.

(1902 – 1963) Danish actor
Characteristics Individuals Life People Success

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Emotions Intelligence Laughter Thinking

Wisdom: Knowing when to speak your mind and when to mind your speech.

Definitions Intelligence Wisdom

Our loss is their loss.

(1906 – 1972) pianist, composer, author, comedian & actor
Beliefs Insults Religion

“This sucks on so many levels.” — Dialogue from Jason X. Rare for a movie to so frankly describe itself. Jason X sucks on the levels of storytelling, character development, suspense, special effects, originality, punctuation, neatness and aptness of thought.

(1942 – 2013) American film critic, journalist & screenwriter
Reviews/Criticism

The hardest thing to do in baseball is to hit a round baseball with a round bat, squarely.


(1918 – 2002) American baseball player
Baseball Sports

If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again.

Murphy’s Laws People

Sometimes something worth doing is worth overdoing.

(1909 – 1966) Polish poet, writer & aphorist
Miscellaneous

Office machines that function perfectly during normal business hours will break down when you return at night to use them for personal business.

Failure Murphy’s Laws Problems Things

Marshall's bowling with his head.

Misspokements Sports

Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.

Murphy’s Laws

Immorality: The morality of those who are having a better time.

Definitions

[to Sam] … You’re almost as good looking as Diane says you think you are.

(1923 – ) British actress, dancer, pianist & singer
Appearance TV/Movie Quotes

Puttering: Woman’s word for man’s work.

Definitions