Random One-Liners

Fairies From Outer Space Go Missing On Train To Sunderland

Headlines

Confucius say… happiness is not a destination, but manner of traveling.

Confucius say

Shared joy is a double joy; shared sorrow is half a sorrow.

Emotions Proverbs

Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 ft/sec, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Animals

Confucius say… short man who dance with tall woman get bust in mouth.

Confucius say

If a job’s worth doing, make sure you delegate it to the right person.

Work

They can say what they want, but playoff hockey is a whole other ballgame.

Hockey Misspokements Sports

Ferries Must Stay Afloat In Worst Of Storms, Say Safety Engineers

Headlines

I don’t want to say the wait was long, but the guy in front of me was being treated for a musket wound.

(1962 – ) American stand-up comedian, writer, actor & radio host
Health Time

God Gets A Parking Caution: "No Exceptions" Say Police

Headlines

Social Diseases: Germs of endearment.

Definitions

I used to be a plastic surgeon, which raised a few eyebrows.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Occupations Wordplay Work

The direction of take-off will be opposite that of the final destination.

Murphy’s Laws Science/Weather

It ain't often that a man's reputation outlasts his money.

(1818 – 1885) humorist
Money Time

Most people are so lazy, they don't even exercise good judgement!

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Characteristics Exercise Work

Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed.

American clergyman
Characteristics

Here lies the body of Jonathan Tilton, whose friends reduced him to a skeleton. They robbed him out of all he had And now rejoice that he is dead.

Epitaphs

If a man can f**k and drive race cars… man… I mean, what else-is there?

American auto racer
Auto racing Sex Sports

Highways in the worst need of repair naturally have low traffic counts, which results in low priority for repair work.

Autos Murphy’s Laws

Here lies two brothers by misfortune surrounded; one died of wounds, but the other was drownded.

Epitaphs

I went to a massage parlor; it was self service.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Activities Sex