Random One-Liners

A musicologist is a man who can read music but can’t hear it.

(1879 – 1961) English conductor
Entertainment Music

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Headlines

Eating a donut is the easiest way to tell the world you don’t give a f**k.

(1968 – ) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink

Delivering her baby at home is the birthright of every woman.

Mixed metaphors

I believe in the institution of marriage and I intend to keep trying until I get it right.

(1940 – 2005) comedian & movie actor
Marriage

The mistake was keeping the Titanic afloat long after the picture had begun to sink.

(1926 – ) American film critic & writer
Reviews/Criticism

Obviously a deer on the fairway has seen you tee off before and knows that the safest place to be when you play is right down the middle.

(1916 – 1987) television actor & comedian
Golf Sports

Canada? I don't even know what street it's on.

(1899 – 1947) American gangster
Canada Places

Subsidy: A formula devised by politicians to give you back some of your own money in such a way that you are supposed to think it’s a gift.

Definitions

I really like what mechanics wear… overall.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Appearance Clothing Work

You might be a redneck if… you work with a shirt off… and so does your husband.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Clothing Husbands People Rednecks

I wear my heart on my sleeve… I wear my liver on my pant leg.


Appearance Body Characteristics Emotions Situations

Even the smallest dog can lift its leg on the tallest building.

(1943 – ) U.S. agriculture commissioner, columnist, activist & author
Characteristics Success

That picture with Lon Chaney – “Of Mouse And Men.”

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Malaprops

Nobody will ever notice it on a galloping horse.

Miscellaneous

Don't look a gift horse in the eye.

Mixed metaphors

Fayed's Chopper Drives Us Crazy

Headlines

It’s weird to hear a girl laugh when I’m not making love to her.

(1949 – 2016) American comedian & television actor
Laughter People Self Sex

Joey: Pheebs, you wanna help?

Phoebe: Oh, I wish I could, but I really don’t want to.

(1963 – ) American actress, comedian, writer & producer
TV/Movie Quotes

I meet so many people; I don’t even know some of my friend’s names.

(1981 – ) heiress, socialite, media personality & model
Friends People

A good husband is healthy and absent.

Husbands Marriage Proverbs