Random One-Liners

You don't hit with your face.

(1925 – 2015) baseball player, coach & manager

1. Any line, however short, is still too long.
2. Work is the crabgrass of life, but money is the water that keeps it green.

Never was a man more aptly named.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth; have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

(1929 – 2012) American radio & television personality

Eliza, sorrowing rears this marble slab to her dear John who died of eating crab.

We Think Rain Caused The Floods, Says Thames Water

Confucius say… man who kisses girl's behind, get a crack in the face.

The [outdoor] sculpture park has opened its doors for the summer.

If you explain it so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will.

Sex with me when I'm really drunk is like being at the dentist… you can tell something's going on but you don't exactly know what it is.

(1965 – ) comedian, actor, screenwriter, television producer & director

Nothing fixes a thing so intensely in the memory as the wish to forget it.

(1533 – 1592) French writer

When two people decide to get a divorce, it isn't a sign that they don't understand one another, but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.

(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist

Don't lie, steal, or cheat unnecessarily.

The most beautiful words in the English language are not “I love you,” but … “benign.”

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit-of-The-Loom guys laughing at me.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.

She was good at playing abstract confusion in the same way that a midget is good at being short.

(1939 – ) Australian author, critic, broadcaster, poet & memoirist

Humor is reason gone mad.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

You can't put democracy and freedom back into a box.

(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president

She could make the Pope kick out a stained glass window.