Random One-Liners

Peter Marshall: According to animal experts, what usually gets an ostrich to bury its head in the sand?

David Brenner: A falling piano.

(1936 – 2014) American standup comedian, actor & author
Hollywood Squares

If thee marries for money, thee surely will earn it.

Wisconsin politician, professor & writer
Marriage Money

If Botticelli were alive today, he’d be working for Vogue.

(1921 – 2004) English actor & author
Art Entertainment

Do you know how short you have to be to have a Napoleon complex in North Korea?

(1965 – 2010) American stand-up comedian & television personality
Appearance Body Places

Fame was like a drug, but what was even more like a drug were the drugs.

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Dan Castellaneta)
Drugs TV/Movie Quotes

I worry about my nan; if she’s alone and falls, does she make a noise? I’m joking, she’s dead.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Family Health

Is it common for people to become a pothead at 40? … asking for myself.

(1970 –) American stand-up comedian
Activities Age Drugs

Making suppository remarks about our country.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Malaprops TV/Movie Quotes

I used to be indecisive; but now I'm not sure.

Characteristics Situations

A genius is a man who can rewrap a new shirt and not have any pins left over.


Intelligence

I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Appearance Body People Self

Counsel: Advice with a price tag.

Definitions

China Drag Queens Have Officials On Their Knees

Headlines

Truth hurts… maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with the seat missing… but it hurts.

(1926 – 2010) Canadian actor
Truth TV/Movie Quotes

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

Arms Military Murphy’s Laws

You’ve got to give the guy some slack… he’s caught between Iraq and a hard-on.

(1951 – 2014) comedian & actor
Situations Wordplay

A close chewer and a tight spitter.

Miscellaneous

Relax… this won't hurt.

(1937 – 2005) journalist & author
Last words

It’s time to get your head out of the dumps and your legs in the air!

(1958 – ) American actress & singer
TV/Movie Quotes

He’s suffering from a lack of self of steam.

Characteristics Malaprops

Peter Marshall: President Washington once said quote “I would rather be in my grave than in…” what?

Paul Lynde: Grant’s tomb.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor
Hollywood Squares