Random One-Liners

Berkley Turns Blind Ear to Finance Committee

Headlines

Planned spontaneity

Oxymorons

Censorship, like charity, should begin at home, but, unlike charity, it should end there.

(1903 – 1987 diplomat, playwright, journalist & politician
Communication

Every woman should marry an archaeologist because she grows increasingly attractive to him as she grows increasingly to resemble a ruin.

(1890 – 1976) British crime writer of novels, short stories & plays
Appearance Occupations Work

Gunfire In Sarajevo Threatens Cease-fire

Headlines

Marriage is like having cable with one channel.

(Nathaniel Stroman) (1963 – ) American actor, voice artist & comedian
Entertainment Marriage Television

Eunuch: A man who has had his works cut out for him.

(1930 – ) American author and billiard player, teacher & commentator
Body People

Unless I’m very much mistaken… I AM very much mistaken!

(1923 – ) English motorsport commentator
Misspokements

I get all my hair products at PetCo.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comic
Appearance Hair

Too bad you can’t just grab a tree by the very tip-top and bend it clear over the ground and then let her fly, because I bet you’d be amazed at all the stuff that comes flying out.

Miscellaneous

I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished yourselves this session.

Texas politician
Misspokements

Penn State had less firepower than Sweden did in World War II.

(1931 – 2012) American college football historian & television commentator
Football Sports

An artist cannot talk about his art any more than a plant can discuss horticulture.

(1889 – 1963) French poet, novelist, playwright, artist & filmmaker
Art Entertainment People

He used to kiss her on her lips, but it's all over now.

Situations

To please a woman in bed, all a man has to do is a poetry course; they also have to learn that the Kama Sutra is not an Indian takeaway and that the mutual orgasm is not an insurance company.

(1958 – ) Australian author
People Sex Women

The only contact I ever made with the dead was when I spoke to a journalist from The Sun.

(Steven Patrick Morrissey) (1959 – ) British singer & lyricist
Communication Miscellaneous

The English should give Ireland home rule – and reserve the motion picture rights.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator
Places

The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.

Murphy’s Laws Time

The ability to witness two men stand toe to toe in the spirit of sportsmanship and pummel each other into insensibility is what separates us from the animals.

(1938 – ) American actor
TV/Movie Quotes

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

(1879 – 1955) German-born physicist
Education Ideas Intelligence

I'm not saying it's right; I'm just saying, every night millions of people go to bed hungry, and every day we bury perfectly good cuts of meat.

American comedian & writer
Eating Food/Drink