Random One-Liners

Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which otherwise require harder thinking.

(1920 – 2011) American scientist & professor
Science/Weather

"We Hate Math" says 4 in 10 – A Majority of Americans

Education Headlines

Tasmania is famous for its shape, which is the same shape as the pubic hair region on a woman's body, which I personally don't identify with; mine's more like a map of the former Soviet Union… not to scale.

(1978 – ) Australian comedian, writer & actress
Places

Saving Silverman is so bad in so many different ways that perhaps you should see it, as an example of the lowest slopes of the bell-shaped curve.

(1942 – 2013) American film critic, journalist & screenwriter
Reviews/Criticism

With a black president, I can relax…I can dance in public… I can buy a whole watermelon now.

(1964 – ) American writer, stand-up comedian, actress, television host
Characteristics Government President Situations

A tedious, astonishingly irritating march through scene after scene of quasi-Jungian horse flop.

writer, editor & film reviewer
Reviews/Criticism

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve is extracted.

(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist
Husbands Marriage

Trees that grow in smoggy cities are needed to make carbon paper.

comedian
Science/Weather

He can cry on a dime.

Mixed metaphors

Stop, reader, pray and read my gate. What caused my life to terminate. For thieves by night when in my bed Broke in my house and shot me dead.

Epitaphs

Germany, the diseased world's bathhouse.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Health Insults Places

Two shakes of a lamb's tail

Miscellaneous

The key to winning baseball games is pitching, fundamentals and three-run homers.

(1930 – 2013) American baseball manager
Baseball Sports

These days, the problem with many neighborhoods is that there're more hoods than neighbors!

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Conflict Crime People

Lions Still Preying On Aliens

Headlines

He used to kiss her on her lips, but it's all over now.

Situations

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

Aliens Crammed Into Toilet

Headlines

Men Planned to Sell Skunk at World Cup

Headlines

Fund Set Up For Beating Victim's Kin

Headlines

Old Keith Richards – Paul and Storm The Villain Who Wears No Pants

Miscellaneous