Random One-Liners

There are two golden rules for an orchestra: start together and finish together; the public doesn’t give a damn what goes on inbetween.

(1879 – 1961) English conductor

The wages of sin is death – but the working conditions are good.

Head butt

It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one’s hat keeps blowing off.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

We heard the sea is infatuated with sharks.

One thing you will probably remember well is any time you forgive and forget.

(1908 – 1980) businessman, humorist

I was asked to name all the presidents… I thought they already had names.

(1973 – ) American comedian

Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared… “Tom's gone! … Is he a magician?”… “No. … then let's print up some flyers!”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

There are no good girls gone wrong, just bad girls found out.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol

What can I say about Milton Berle that he already hasn't said himself?

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Throughout his life he kneaded bread and deemed it quite a bore. But now six feet beneath earth's crust he needeth bread no more.

For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, please press 3.

(1943 – 2004) author & psychologist

Let me hug your neck.

A dying man enjoys free speech.

(1431 – 1463) French rogue, vagabond, outlaw, bohemian & poet

Running for senator in New York is like bobbing for piranhas.

(1951 – 2014) comedian & actor

He’s a good ol’ dog, but sometimes he sh*ts to close to the porch.

Scientists: All Men Look at Porn

Honey, you were First Runner-Up at the “Miss Hawaiian Tropics” contest. Why are you going to throw that all away?

(1958 – ) American singer & actress

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

I know I’m not sexy; in high school I was voted “Most Likely to Masturbate.”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Apart from that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?

(1928 – ) humorist, singer, songwriter & satirist