Random One-Liners

My family isn’t really Italian; we’re more like Olive Garden Italian.

(1978 – ) American comedian & writer
Family Relationships

The Jews celebrate Passover by eating unpalatable food to remind them what will happen to their people if they ever leave New York City.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Food/Drink New York City Places

Here lies the body of Arkansas Jim. We made the mistake, but the joke's on him.

Epitaphs

In America, you assassinate presidents; in Soviet Russia, presidents assassinate you!

(1951 – ) Soviet-American comedian
Places

I was happy when I fist heard Ronald Reagan was running for the presidency; I’ve always thought, once you’re in show business you should stay in it.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Entertainment

1. No action is without side-effects. 2. Nothing ever goes away. 3. There is no free lunch.

Murphy’s Laws

I don’t look older, I just look worse.

(1982 – ) American comedian, actor, writer & producer
Age Appearance Body Old

A biography is a book that is usually written about a dead person because it is so unlike him when he was alive.

(1899 – 1995) humorist
Books Characteristics Communication Reading/Writing

In a coon's age.

Miscellaneous

I’m a heavy smoker; I go through two lighters a day.

(1961 – 1994) comedian
Activities

Over the course of a season, a miscue will cost you more than a good play.

(1924 – 2014) American baseball player & announcer
Baseball Misspokements Sports

Glenn McGrath joins Craig McDermott and Paul Reiffel in a three-ponged prace attack.


Sports

'Twas a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Alcohol Individuals Women

Old Lady at Opera: Did you like the opera, dear?
Vivian: It was so good, I almost peed my pants!
Edward: She said she liked it better than Pirates of Penzance.

(1949 – ) American actor & activist
TV/Movie Quotes

Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.

(1909 – 2000) Danish-born comedian & pianist
Emotions Laughter

You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you're married to a couch that burps.

(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer
Husbands Marriage Time

Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.

(1915 – 1977) columnist, writer & actor
Emotions Happiness Money

She's as headstrong as an allegory on the banks of Nile.

Characteristics Malaprops

It sticks out like a sore throat.

Mixed metaphors

Get the fools on your side and you can be elected to anything.

(1902 – 1963) Danish actor
Elections/Voting Fools Intelligence Politics

Peter Marshall: Paul, does Ann Landers think there is anything wrong with you if you do your housework in the nude?

Paul Lynde: No, but I have to be terribly careful when I do my ironing.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor
Hollywood Squares