Random One-Liners

You don't hit with your face.

(1925 – 2015) baseball player, coach & manager
Appearance Baseball Yogi-isms

1. Any line, however short, is still too long.
2. Work is the crabgrass of life, but money is the water that keeps it green.

Murphy’s Laws Work

Never was a man more aptly named.

Football Sports

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth; have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

(1929 – 2012) American radio & television personality
Entertainment

Eliza, sorrowing rears this marble slab to her dear John who died of eating crab.

Epitaphs

We Think Rain Caused The Floods, Says Thames Water

Headlines

Confucius say… man who kisses girl's behind, get a crack in the face.

Confucius say

The [outdoor] sculpture park has opened its doors for the summer.

Mixed metaphors

If you explain it so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will.

Communication Murphy’s Laws

Sex with me when I'm really drunk is like being at the dentist… you can tell something's going on but you don't exactly know what it is.

(1965 – ) comedian, actor, screenwriter, television producer & director
Alcohol Food/Drink Sex

Nothing fixes a thing so intensely in the memory as the wish to forget it.

(1533 – 1592) French writer
Intelligence Memory

When two people decide to get a divorce, it isn't a sign that they don't understand one another, but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.

(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist
Divorce Marriage Understanding

Don't lie, steal, or cheat unnecessarily.

Characteristics Conflict Honesty Murphy’s Laws

The most beautiful words in the English language are not “I love you,” but … “benign.”

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Health Speech

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit-of-The-Loom guys laughing at me.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Body Clothing

An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.

Murphy’s Laws

She was good at playing abstract confusion in the same way that a midget is good at being short.

(1939 – ) Australian author, critic, broadcaster, poet & memoirist
Acting Reviews/Criticism

Humor is reason gone mad.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Characteristics Emotions

She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Age Old

You can't put democracy and freedom back into a box.

(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president
Bushisms

She could make the Pope kick out a stained glass window.

Miscellaneous