Random One-Liners

There are two golden rules for an orchestra: start together and finish together; the public doesn’t give a damn what goes on inbetween.

(1879 – 1961) English conductor
Entertainment Music

The wages of sin is death – but the working conditions are good.

Death Proverbs

Head butt

Oxymorons

It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one’s hat keeps blowing off.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Clothing Science/Weather

We heard the sea is infatuated with sharks.

Animals Malaprops

One thing you will probably remember well is any time you forgive and forget.

(1908 – 1980) businessman, humorist
Intelligence Memory

I was asked to name all the presidents… I thought they already had names.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Government President

Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared… “Tom's gone! … Is he a magician?”… “No. … then let's print up some flyers!”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
People Situations

There are no good girls gone wrong, just bad girls found out.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Characteristics Girls People Women

What can I say about Milton Berle that he already hasn't said himself?

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Characteristics Opinion Speech

Throughout his life he kneaded bread and deemed it quite a bore. But now six feet beneath earth's crust he needeth bread no more.

Epitaphs

For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, please press 3.

(1943 – 2004) author & psychologist
Science/Weather

Let me hug your neck.

Miscellaneous

A dying man enjoys free speech.

(1431 – 1463) French rogue, vagabond, outlaw, bohemian & poet
Communication Death Speech

Running for senator in New York is like bobbing for piranhas.

(1951 – 2014) comedian & actor
Elections/Voting Government New York City Places

He’s a good ol’ dog, but sometimes he sh*ts to close to the porch.

Miscellaneous

Scientists: All Men Look at Porn

Headlines

Honey, you were First Runner-Up at the “Miss Hawaiian Tropics” contest. Why are you going to throw that all away?

(1958 – ) American singer & actress
TV/Movie Quotes

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Animals Men People Situations Time

I know I’m not sexy; in high school I was voted “Most Likely to Masturbate.”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Sex

Apart from that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?

(1928 – ) humorist, singer, songwriter & satirist
Communication Problems Situations Wordplay