Random One-Liners

Jesus was a Jew, yes, but only on his mother’s side.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Beliefs Misspokements Religion

There's no business like show business… but there are several businesses like accounting.

(1947 – ) comedian & television host
Entertainment Occupations Work

Everybody lies; but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

Characteristics Communication Honesty Lies Murphy’s Laws

The dubious privilege of a freelance writer is he’s given the freedom to starve anywhere.

(1904 – 1979) Jewish-American humorist, author & screenwriter
Occupations Work

You can be a king or a street sweeper, but everyone dances with the Grim Reaper.

(1953 – 1992) American career criminal & convicted murderer
Last words

When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.

(1969 – ) comedian & actor
Appearance Self

All men are afraid of eyelash curlers; I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Arms Fear Men People Things

A healthy male adult bore consumes each year one and a half times his own weight in other people's patience.

(1932 – 2009) author, poet & critic
Characteristics People

Woman Attacked By Train Station

Headlines

Too much of a good thing is wonderful.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Characteristics

I've heard he's been called Bush's poodle… he's bigger than that.

(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president
Bushisms

All alone

Oxymorons

Most people are so lazy, they don't even exercise good judgement!

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Characteristics Exercise Work

He had the kind of handshake that ought never to be used except as a tourniquet.

(1922 – ) English comedy writer & television presenter
Characteristics People

The price of purity is purists.

(1935 – ) columnist, journalist & novelist
Characteristics People

In real love you want the other person's good; in romantic love, you want the other person.

(1886 – 1973) American writer
Emotions Love Sex

If I had to catalog all the moronic plot turns in The Day After Tomorrow, we'd be here until the next ice age.

(1959 – ) American film critic
Reviews/Criticism

Even if they had it in the streets, I wouldn’t go.

(1879 – 1974) film producer
Misspokements

One of the worst things you can do as an actor, I think, is to forget your lines, and then get so flustered you start stabbing the other actors.

Miscellaneous

Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for – looking up exes to see how fat they got?

(1956 – ) comedian, television host, social critic & political commentator
Communication Computers Things

Hypochondria is the one disease I haven’t got.

Health