Random One-Liners

Men are like portable heaters that snore.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Men People

[Charles Dickens] was the bravest man who ever lived; he fathered ten children before they became tax deductions.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Children Family Money Taxes

Prosecutor Releases Probe Into Undersheriff

Headlines

I'm in terrible shape… I need a nap after I fart.

(1965 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
Appearance Body

There has been but one sweet, misty interlude in my [insomnia]; that was the evening I fell into a dead dreamless slumber brought on by the reading of a book called Appendicitis.

(1893 – 1967) writer, humorist & poet
Reviews/Criticism

Peter Marshall: Right after Trigger died, what did Roy Rogers announce he would do?

Paul Lynde: Dismount.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor
Hollywood Squares

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Situations

I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like; it was born 15 minutes ago… it looks like a potato.

(1967 – ) American comedian, actor, producer & writer
Children Family

The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.

Military Murphy’s Laws

20-Year Friendship Ends at Altar

Headlines

I don't speak Chinese, but I figure if I try, I've got to be saying something.

(1962 – ) Canadian-American actor, comedian, author & radio personality
Baseball Communication Language

A man who has both feet planted firmly in the air can be safely called a liberal as opposed to the conservative, who has both feet firmly planted in his mouth.

(1907 – ) French-born American historian of ideas & culture
Politics

Love and eggs are best when they are fresh.

Emotions Love

When sleeping dogs fly.

Mixed metaphors

Outdo: To make an enemy.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Communication Definitions Language

Modern dancing is old fashioned.

(1879 – 1974) film producer
Dance Misspokements

You have taken yourself too seriously.

Characteristics Murphy’s Laws People Self

They didn't hesitate: Wendy's, McDonald's, Pizza Hut, and Burger King.

Denver Bronco team nutritionist
Food/Drink Football Sports

It’s cold enough to freeze a turkey off the roost.

Miscellaneous

Dog That Bit 2 People Ordered To Leave Town

Headlines

We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Situations Things