Random One-Liners

Here lies the body of poor Aunt Charlotte. Born a virgin, died a harlot. For 16 years she kept her virginity, a damn'd long time for this vicinity.

Epitaphs

The tragedy of marriage is that while all women marry thinking that their man will change, all men marry believing their wife will never change.

(1929 – ) British military historian, cook book writer & novelist
Characteristics Husbands Marriage Wives

The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Children Family

(Starbucks) doesn't have a slogan yet, so I thought of one for them: “It's really expensive, but the line is long.”

comedian & author
Money

It always rains on tents; rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Science/Weather

Ellen Shannon age 26 years, Who was fatally burned March 21, 1870 by the explosion of a lamp filled with "R. E. Danforth's Non-Explosive-Burning Fluid."

Epitaphs

I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they don’t just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

Miscellaneous

Buffet: A French word that means “get up and get it yourself.”

American humorist & public speaker
Definitions Food/Drink

At a bargain sale, the only suit or dress that you like best and that fits you is the one not in the sale.

Activities Clothing Murphy’s Laws Shopping

When people ask me what sign I was born under, I say "I'm not certain, but it could have been the one that says 'Dining Car in opposite direction'."

(1946 – 1994) writer & humorist
Communication People Self

Some of my best leading men have been dogs and horses.

(1932 – 2011) British-American actress
Entertainment

The body of Benjamin Franklin, printer like the coyer of an old book its contents torn out and stripped of its lettering and gilding, lies here food for worms. – Yet the work itself shall not be lost for it will, as he believed, appear once more in a new and more beautiful edition corrected and amended by the author.

Epitaphs

I’ve got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day… which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
People

Kiss: What the child gets free, the young man steals, and the old man buys.

Definitions

I was born gay, but eight months of breast feeding wiped that right out.

(1962 – ) American stand-up comedian, writer, actor & radio host
Characteristics Situations

Death to all fanatics!

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Beliefs People

You look like death eating a cracker.

Miscellaneous

The hardness of the butter is in direct proportion to the softness of the roll.

Food/Drink Murphy’s Laws

I sold the memoirs of my sex life to a publisher – they are going to make a board game out of it.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Sex

No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Family Mothers

People don’t start wars, governments do.

(1911 – 2004) 40th U.S. president & actor
Conflict Government War