Random One-Liners

They need help, and we have helped, and we are here to help…. and we are helping, and we’re going to continue to help.

(1947 – ) U.S. vice president & politician
Misspokements

My girlfriend told me I had the body of a Greek god and I said you don’t know sh*t about Greek mythology.

(1976 – ) American stand-up comedian
Appearance Body

I'm in terrible shape… I need a nap after I fart.

(1965 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
Appearance Body

I know that every cigarette I smoke takes five minutes off my life, but it takes ten minutes to smoke it… that’s a five-minute net gain!

(1972 – ) Irish stand-up comedian, voice over artist & actor
Activities

I burned 60 calories… that should take care of the peanut I ate in 1962.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Activities Body Exercise Fat

I’ll knock you in the head and tell God you died.

Miscellaneous

The more underdeveloped the country, the more overdeveloped the women.

Appearance Body Murphy’s Laws Places Women World

Peter Marshall: True or false… there is a magazine called The Corsets & Underwear Revue?

George Gobel: I was reading that before Playboy came out.

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor
Hollywood Squares

Here’s a last bequest: I don’t want that guy sayin’ my last urology.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Malaprops

Relations are a tedious lot of people who don’t know how to live or when to die.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet
Insults Relationships

It’s the gossip columnist’s business to write about what is none of his business.

(1904 – 1980) American critic & author
Communication Occupations Work

I am just turning forty and taking my time about it.

(1893 – 1971) American film actor & producer
Age

Jenson Button is in the top ten… in eleventh position.

(1923 – ) English motorsport commentator
Auto racing Misspokements Sports

The crucial memorandum will be snared in the out-basket by the paper clip of the overlying correspondence and go to file.

Communication Murphy’s Laws

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal," "Thou shalt not commit adultery," and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Government Lawyers Politicians Situations

Never in the ring of human conflict have so few taken so much from so many.

American boxer
Boxing Sports Wordplay

Everything I did in my life that was worthwhile I caught hell for it.

(1891 – 1974) 14th U.S. Chief Justice & politician
Problems Situations

Confucius say… she who douches with vinegar, walk around with sour puss.

Confucius say

Peter Marshall: In television, who lived in Doodyville?

Paul Lynde: The Ty-De-Bowl Man.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor
Hollywood Squares

News Crew Pick Pocketed While Covering Pickpocket Story

Headlines

And this is your grandson, huh? Oh, wonderful boy! Yeah, he’s a good boy. Now I know why tigers eat their young.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Insults TV/Movie Quotes