Random One-Liners

Reader pass on and ne'er waste your time, On bad biography and bitter rhyme. For what I am this cumb'rous clay insures, And what I was, is no affair of yours.

Epitaphs

Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.

(427 BC – 347 BC) Greek author & philosopher
Age Animals Young

Two percent don’’t get the word.

Communication Murphy’s Laws

[businesman] Sir Martin Sorrell is more arrogant than the entire French nation put together.


businessman & CEO
Communication Insults

Living up to ideals is like doing everyday work with your Sunday clothes on.

(1853 – 1937) journalist, writer & editor
Appearance Clothing Life Work

She was as mad as a wet blanket.

(1908 – 1997) German-born teacher, academic & humorist
Anger Emotions Malaprops

Our comedies are not to be laughed at.

(1879 – 1974) film producer
Entertainment Film Misspokements

I'm not Mother Teresa. But I'm also not Charles Manson.

(1966 – ) American boxing champion
Boxing Characteristics Sports

Should have sold its soul for a little help in the script department.

author, media consultant & film critic
Reviews/Criticism

What’s next for (Director Paul W.S.) Anderson? Maybe “Hannibal 2,” in which Anthony Hopkins escorts a group of toddlers to Chuck E. Cheese?

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)
Reviews/Criticism

I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.

(1964 – ) comedian, political satirist, writer & television host
Government Places

A biography is a book that is usually written about a dead person because it is so unlike him when he was alive.

(1899 – 1995) humorist
Books Characteristics Communication Reading/Writing

Confucius say… man who put pea in soup very unclean.

Confucius say

For every human problem, there is a neat, simple solution and it is always wrong.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Murphy’s Laws Problems

My shrink gives me 75 per cent off if I make believe I’m someone else.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Doctors Health

Reality Has A Well-Known Liberal Bias

Politics

I’ve been to all 50 states, and traveled this whole country, and 90 percent of the people are good folks; the rest of them take after the other side of the family.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
America Characteristics Family Fathers People Places

Old Guy Found Wandering at Stadium

Headlines

1. The tide comes in and the tide goes out, and what have you got?
2. They say an elephant never forgets, but what's he got to remember?

Murphy’s Laws

Always drink upstream from the herd.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator
Alcohol Food/Drink

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

Situations