Subject: Situations

Do me a favor; when you get home, throw your mother a bone.

(1893 – 1967) writer, humorist & poet
Family Mothers Situations

Some people are better imagined in one's bed than found there in the morning.

(1947 – ) author, humorist & satirist
Ideas Sex Situations

I was only saying to the Queen the other day how I hate name-dropping.

(1911 – 2000) American actor
Situations

An actor enters through a door, you've got nothing; but if he enters through a window, you've got a situation.

(1906 – 2002) Austrian journalist, filmmaker, screenwriter & producer
Entertainment Film Situations

Things are gradually falling into place on top of me.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist
Problems Situations

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?'

British comedian
Situations

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

Intelligence Murphy’s Laws Situations

The best way to keep a man is in doubt.

(1908 – 1980) businessman, humorist
People Situations

I think Pringle’s intention was to make tennis balls, but the day the rubber was supposed to show up, they got a big load of potatoes instead; but Pringles was a laid-back company and they said, "f**k it, cut 'em up."

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink Situations

Never let your mom comb your hair when she’s mad at your dad!

(1946 – ) American comedian
Situations

Jeez, you'd think the people in this bank had never seen someone playing castanets before.

(1973 – ) American stand-up comedian
Situations

My girlfriend and I almost didn't have the second date because on the first date I didn't open the car door for her… I just swam to the surface.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Dating Relationships Situations

I feel that if a person has problems communicating the very least he can do is to shut up.

(1928 – ) humorist, singer, songwriter & satirist
Communication Situations Speech

I went to convent in New York and was fired finally for my insistence that the Immaculate Conception was spontaneous combustion.

(1893 – 1967) writer, humorist & poet
Situations

Never let the bastard back into my room again… unless I need him.

(1879 – 1974) film producer
People Situations

How is it that one match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box of matches to start a campfire?

Situations Things

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal," "Thou shalt not commit adultery," and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Government Lawyers Politicians Situations

Santa Claus has the right idea: visit people once a year.

(1909 – 2000) Danish-born comedian & pianist
Situations Time

Either I’ve been missing something or nothing has been going on.

American author
Situations

He used to kiss her on her lips, but it's all over now.

Situations

When the sun comes up, I have morals again.

(1952 – ) comedian
Characteristics Situations