Subject: Situations

I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills… my doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

It hit me how resentful it must make rats, knowing that they're just a bushy tail away from being hand fed in the park.

(1959 – ) American stand-up comedian

You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.

(1973 – ) American comedian

If I was “The Bachelor” we’d all play Mario Kart for eight weeks… then I’d pick the one with the biggest boobs.

American comedian

Deploring change is the unchangeable habit of all Englishmen.

(1896 – 1971) English socialist, author, journalist, editor & gourmet

I could be stranded in any town in the United States with ten cents and within an hour make $20 with the shell game.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

What makes resisting temptation difficult for many people is they don't want to discourage it completely.

(1908 – 1980) businessman, humorist

Everything takes longer than you expect — even when you expect it to take longer than you expect.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist

These are the days when it takes all you’ve got just to keep up with the losers.

(1927 – ) magician & comedy writer

I never lost my job while I was leading a race.

American auto racer

If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing slowly… very slowly.

(1911 – 1970) American burlesque entertainer, actress, author & playwright

Power outage at a department store yesterday, twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

comedian

An inability to stay quiet is one of the most conspicuous failings of mankind.

(1826 – 1877) English economist & journalist

Did you ever get the feeling that the world was a tuxedo and you were a pair of brown shoes?

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

If everybody wants it, nobody gets it.

I can’t say I was ever lost, but I was bewildered once for three days.

(1734 – 1820) American pioneer, explorer & frontiersman

I almost got a girl pregnant in high school; it's costing me a fortune to keep the rabbit on a life-support system.

(12/06/1953 – ) American actor, comedian, director & game show host

The less I behave like Whistler’s Mother the night before, the more I look like her the morning after.

(1903 – 1968) movie actress

Everyone wants to ride with you in the limo, but what you need is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.

(1954 – ) American television host, actress, producer & philanthropist

Those hot pants of hers were so damned tight, I could hardly breathe.

(1924 – 1992) English comedian & actor