Subject: Situations

When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.

Problems Situations

If you're in a hole, stop digging.

Problems Situations

I love to stand behind people at ATM’s and when they enter their PIN number, I say ‘got it’ and then run away.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Situations

One day as I came home early from work… I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, “Hey buddy, why are you doing that?” He said, “Because you came home early.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Sex Situations Wives

The only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you.

American comedian & television host
People Situations Things

Sleep… the most beautiful experience in life – except drink.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Alcohol Food/Drink Situations Sleep

Right now, I couldn't get laid in a women's prison with a fistful of pardons.

Sex Situations

There is nothing wrong with making love with the light on… just make sure the car door is closed.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Autos Sex Situations Things

I wear my heart on my sleeve… I wear my liver on my pant leg.


Appearance Body Characteristics Emotions Situations

I once went on a date with a girl where we went hiking… and she gets bit by a snake in between her toes, and I had to suck out the poison… so she’s dead.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Dating Relationships Situations

I was once arrested for walking in someone else’s sleep.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Sleep

I understand that the doctor had to spank me when I was born, but I really don’t see any reason he had to call me a whore.

(1970 – ) American comedian, writer & actress
Situations

Remember, no matter where you go, there you are.

scriptwriter & author
Places Situations

Obama responded to the birthers by stating that he will show them his birth certificate when Sarah Palin shows him her high school diploma.

(1956 – ) comedian, television host, social critic & political commentator
Situations

I felt as out of place as a left-handed violinist in a crowded string section.

(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor
Characteristics Situations

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

Proverbs Situations

Only in America can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box whilst a draft dodger lives in the White House.

America Places Situations

Silence: Having nothing to say and saying it.

Communication Definitions Situations Speech

Never moon a werewolf.

(1958 – ) screenwriter, film director & actor
Problems Situations

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

(1972 – ) stand-up comedian & actor
Alcohol Food/Drink Situations

I agree with everything you say, but I would attack to the death your right to say it.

(1937 – ) British playwright & screenwriter
Communication Situations Speech