Subject: Situations

There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.

(1927 – ) magician & comedy writer
Science/Weather Situations

I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher!"

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Sex Situations Wives

If you see a bandwagon, it's too late.

(1933 – 1997) Anglo-French billionaire financier
Situations

I had to recently move back home, because my mom was having trouble paying both our rents.

Actress & comedian
Money Situations

I violated the Noah rule: Predicting rain doesn’t count; building arks does.

(1930 – ) financier & investment businessman
Situations

My son has taken up meditation… at least it's better than sitting around doing nothing.

typographer
Relationships Situations

All the good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow.

(1892 – 1942) American painter
Animals Ideas Intelligence Situations

Leave it to a girl to take the fun out of sex discrimination.

(1955 – ) cartoonist (Calvin and Hobbes)
Beliefs Girls Situations

I think that maybe if women and children were in charge we would get somewhere.

(1894 – 1961) author, cartoonist & humorist
Children People Situations Women

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Money People Situations

The best time I ever had with Joan Crawford was when I pushed her down the stairs in Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?

(1908 – 1989) American actress of film, television & theater
Insults Situations

He enjoys that perfect peace, that peace beyond all understanding, which comes at its maximum only to the man who has given up golf.

(1881 – 1975) English writer & humorist
Golf Situations Sports

No one has a finer command of language than the person who keeps his mouth shut.

(1882 – 1961) politician
Communication Language Situations

If you find yourself in a confusing situation, simply laugh knowingly and walk away.

(1938 – ) American actor
Situations TV/Movie Quotes

People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones; unless, of course, they enjoy many broken windows.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations

I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean… I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Things

Some people think I’m high on stage; I would never get high before a show, because, when I’m high, I don’t wanna stand in front of a bunch of people I don’t know.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities Drugs Situations

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Situations Things

Doug probably fell while he was looking for a place to jump.

(1944 – 2014) American actor, director & writer
Situations

Thirteen at a table is unlucky only when the hostess has only twelve chops.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Situations

I’m even in denial about the fact that I’m in therapy; I’ve just convinced myself there’s a friend that I see once a week, and then I lend her $90, and she never pays me back.

(1964 – ) Canadian stand-up comedian, actress & television host
Health Situations