Subject: Situations

The first shall be last and the last shall be first, but if you're in the middle, you're stuck there.

Murphy’s Laws Problems Situations

It is better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same.

(1877 – 1962) English journalist, novelist & reporter
Situations

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Sex Situations

When the sun comes up, I have morals again.

(1952 – ) comedian
Characteristics Situations

When women hold off from marrying men, we call it independence; when men hold off from marrying women, we call it fear of commitment.


(1943 – ) American psychologist, author
Marriage Men People Situations Women

I think it would be really confusing if you’re performing an abortion and somebody runs in and says, “Abort! Abort!”

(1981 – ) American comedian, writer & actor
Communication Language Situations

He just can’t believe what’s not happening to him.

(1926 – ) English sports commentator
Colemanballs Misspokements Situations

For some not to be martyrs is martyrdom indeed.

(1908 – 1997) German-born teacher, academic & humorist
People Situations

Beware the smile of a waiter… it means he's pissed in your soup.

(1967 – ) English comedian
Food/Drink Situations

Never miss an opportunity to relieve yourself; never miss a chance to rest your feet.

(1894 – 1972) King of the United Kingdom
Situations

Elwood: It's 106 miles to Chicago, we got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark… and we're wearing sunglasses.
Jake: Hit it.

(1949 – 1982) American comedian, actor & musician
Situations TV/Movie Quotes

There was a big Hollywood producer in the crowd the other night; one thing led to another, and before you know it – he was gone.

comedian
Situations

So, I’m licking jelly off my boyfriend… and all of a sudden I’m thinking… oh, my God, I’m turning into my mother.

(1970 – ) American comedian, writer & actress
Family Mothers Sex Situations

When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.

Murphy’s Laws Problems Situations

A manager cannot tell if he is leading an innovative mob or being chased by it.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

That's all you're doing – swearing, in a box with wheels.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
Autos Situations Things

Don't squat with your spurs on.

Beliefs Proverbs Situations

My experience is that people are most likely to listen to reason when in bed.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Intelligence Situations Understanding

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening… but this wasn't it.

Situations

People seldom know what they want until you give them what they ask for.

Situations

People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Conflict Crime Situations