Subject: Situations

Doug probably fell while he was looking for a place to jump.

(1944 – 2014) American actor, director & writer
Situations

There’s a saying among prospectors: “Go out looking for one thing, and that's all you’ll ever find.”

(1884 – 1951) American filmmaker
Situations

One day as I came home early from work… I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, “Hey buddy, why are you doing that?” He said, “Because you came home early.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Sex Situations Wives

The best time I ever had with Joan Crawford was when I pushed her down the stairs in Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?

(1908 – 1989) American actress of film, television & theater
Insults Situations

When I was kidnapped my parents snapped into action… they rented out my room.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Family Parents Self Situations

Never accept a ride from a stranger unless he gives you candy.


Situations

Hindsight is always twenty-twenty.

(1906 – 2002) Austrian journalist, filmmaker, screenwriter & producer
Characteristics Past Situations Time

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

Science/Weather Situations

Everything happens to everybody sooner or later if there is time enough.

(1856 – 1950) Irish playwright & socialist
People Situations Time

The only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you.

American comedian & television host
People Situations Things

Never let the bastard back into my room again… unless I need him.

(1879 – 1974) film producer
People Situations

After lovemaking do you: A) go to sleep? B) light a cigarette? or C) return to the front of the bus?

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Sex Situations

If only God would give me some clear sign! … like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Beliefs God Money Situations

Every cloud has its silver lining but it is sometimes a little difficult to get it to the mint.

(1878 – 1937) humorist, journalist & author
Money Situations

I love America, but I just don’t feel comfortable celebrating Independence Day… because I still live at home with my mother and it wouldn’t be honest.

Jewish-American stand-up comedian & writer
Situations

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

Intelligence Murphy’s Laws Situations

Nothing annoys a woman more than to have company drop in unexpectedly and find the house looking as it usually does.

(1902 – 1963) Danish actor
Housework People Situations

You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent? … that’s why I never take baths.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Cold New York City Places Science/Weather Situations

The new hardware will break down as soon as the old is disconnected and out.

Failure Murphy’s Laws Problems Situations Things

Ever try to Scotchgard a sponge?


Situations