Subject: Situations

I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher!"

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Sex Situations Wives

If he wants breakfast in bed, tell him to sleep in the kitchen.

(1958 – ) Australian author
Men People Situations

Never saw off the branch you are on, unless you are being hanged from it.

(1909 – 1966) Polish poet, writer & aphorist
Problems Situations

Futon World – a wonderful place that becomes slowly less comfortable over time.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities Shopping Situations Things Time

You might be a redneck if… you just bought an 8-track player to put in your truck.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
People Rednecks Situations Things

One time I saw two geese fighting and I thought, this is a pillow fight, ahead of time.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Animals Situations

The world makes you into a bitch, no matter how quietly you go, so you may as well go kicking and screaming.

(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer
Characteristics Situations

I understand that the doctor had to spank me when I was born, but I really don’t see any reason he had to call me a whore.

(1970 – ) American comedian, writer & actress
Situations

A rolling stone gathers momentum.

Science/Weather Situations

Tell him I’ve been too f**king busy – or vice versa.

(1893 – 1967) writer, humorist & poet
Activities Sex Situations Time

Always do right; this will gratify some people, and astonish the rest.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Life Situations

I have the same New Year’s resolution every year; I decide to drink heavily… because I know I can do it, which will build my self-esteem.

American actress, comedian, writer & musician
Situations

Things started to snowplow.

professional baseball player
Malaprops Situations

You’ve got to give the guy some slack… he’s caught between Iraq and a hard-on.

(1951 – 2014) comedian & actor
Situations Wordplay

If you think there are no new frontiers, watch a boy ring the front doorbell on his first date.

(1918 - 2002) American author
Dating Relationships Situations

No one has a finer command of language than the person who keeps his mouth shut.

(1882 – 1961) politician
Communication Language Situations

If your eyes hurt after you drink coffee, you have to take the spoon out of the cup.

(1927 – ) American comedian
Situations

That's all you're doing – swearing, in a box with wheels.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
Autos Situations Things

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.

(1874 – 1963) American poet
Government Memory Situations

Sometimes I need what only you can provide — your absence.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist
Situations

Truck deliveries that normally take one day will take five when you are waiting for the truck.

Murphy’s Laws Situations