Subject: Situations

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people: the good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Characteristics Situations Sleep

With Photoshop so readily available, there’s no reason ever to have a party for a two-year-old.

(1972 – ) stand-up comedian & writer
Children Family Situations

Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Age Old Situations

The geek shall inherit the earth.

Proverbs Situations

I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean… I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Things

The worst misfortune that can happen to an ordinary man is to have an extraordinary father.

(1858 – 1932) American physicist, physician & humorist
Family Fathers Situations

A married friend of mine does that thing where he never goes to bed angry… because every time he and his wife fight, she makes him sleep on the couch.

Jewish-American stand-up comedian & writer
Anger Emotions Marriage Situations Sleep

In terms of instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin.

(1982 – ) American comedian, actor, writer & producer
Situations

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

(1894 – 1961) author, cartoonist & humorist
Communication Situations Things

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don’t accidentally walk through into another dimension.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet
Characteristics Situations

Some people are better imagined in one's bed than found there in the morning.

(1947 – ) author, humorist & satirist
Ideas Sex Situations

It only hurt once… from beginning to end.

(1920 – 2004) American swimming coach
Activities Situations

The status quo sucks.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Characteristics Situations

Let’s get down to brass tax.

Malaprops Situations

I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed… I leave.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Sex Situations Wives

Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.


Memory Murphy’s Laws People Problems Situations

Wisdom is the quality that keeps you from getting into situations where you need it.

(1926 – ) newspaper columnist
Intelligence Situations Wisdom

I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. "Dude who is attacking me – come a little closer!"

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Things

I was having difficulty deciding if I wanted to purchase this bed I was looking at, so the salesman told me… sleep on it.

Jewish-American stand-up comedian & writer
Situations Sleep

One night a jet flew a little too close to my house… I was walking from the living room to the kitchen and the stewardess told me to sit down.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations