Subject: Marriage

Husbands are awkward things to deal with; even keeping them in hot water will not make them tender.

Husbands Marriage

I am his awfully-wedded wife.

(1905 – 1974) radio comedian
Malaprops Marriage Wordplay

Don’t forget Mother’s Day; or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad’s Third Wife Day.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Divorce Family Marriage Mothers

Catherine: Your wife is really lucky.

Frasier: Well, I’m sure she’d say the same thing, especially now that our marriage is over.

(1955 – ) American actor, comedian, producer, director & singer
Marriage TV/Movie Quotes

Sex again Peg? … we’ve been married seventeen years now; can’t we just be friends?

(1946 – ) American actor
Marriage Sex TV/Movie Quotes

Horse sense is what prevents a woman from becoming a nag.

(1924 – 1987) American stand-up ‘deadpan’ comedian and actor
Intelligence Marriage Wives

I don’t worry about terrorism… I was married for two years.

(1953 – 1992) American comedian
Conflict Marriage

No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

Conflict Housework Husbands Marriage Proverbs

When I got divorced, it was group sex. My wife screwed me in front of the jury.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Divorce Marriage Sex

Engagement: A period in which a girl is placed in solitaire confinement.

Definitions Marriage

Altar: To change through marriage.

Definitions Marriage

I believe in the institution of marriage and I intend to keep trying until I get it right.

(1940 – 2005) comedian & movie actor
Marriage

Alimony: The screwing you get for the screwing you got.

Divorce Marriage

The marriage makes man and wife one flesh, it leaves ‘em still two fools.

(1670 – 1729) English playwright & poet
Marriage

Al, when I married you for richer or poorer, I thought we'd try one and then the other and then choose. I think we've gone just about as far as we can go with the first one.

(1954 – ) American actress & singer-songwriter
Marriage TV/Movie Quotes

When a girl marries, she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one.

(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist
Girls Marriage Men People Women

With history one an never be certain, but I think I can safely say that Aristotle Onassis would not have married Mrs. Khrushchev.

(1925 – 2012) author, playwright, essayist & screenwriter
Marriage

Men think monogamy is something you make dining tables out of.

(1958 – ) Australian author
Husbands Marriage Sex

There is a vast difference between the savage and the civilized man, but it is never apparent to their wives until after breakfast.

(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist
Eating Food/Drink Husbands Marriage Wives

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Marriage Mistakes

I recently got married… it was like a reverse Lord of the Rings situation – I got a ring and I lost half of my powers.

(1985 – ) American comedian & actor
Marriage