Subject: Marriage

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee; unfortunately, she was just coming home.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Clothing Sex Wives

You know what I did before I married? … anything I wanted to.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Marriage

One time I went to a hotel; I asked the bellhop to handle my bag; he felt up my wife!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Wives

The Three Ages of Marriage: Twenty is when you watch the TV after; Forty is when you watch the TV during; Sixty is when you watch the TV instead.

Entertainment Marriage Sex Television

I had to go by the drug store to get some marital aids: breath mints for you and Wild Turkey for me!

(1946 – ) American actor
Marriage Sex TV/Movie Quotes

When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that's a few steps ahead is the one that's mad.

(1975 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
Marriage

My wife has just two complaints: first, she’s got absolutely nothing to wear and second, she’s run out of closet space to keep it in.

Appearance Clothing Wives

I don’t worry about terrorism… I was married for two years.

(1953 – 1992) American comedian
Conflict Marriage

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Marriage Wives

Fidelity : A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Characteristics Definitions Marriage

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.

Autos Marriage Things Wives

Cantaloupe: Gotta get married in a church.

Definitions Marriage

My wife has cut me down to once a month; I'm lucky…
I know two guys she cut off completely.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Sex Situations Wives

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet service to see who they really are.

(1967 – ) American comedian, actor, producer & writer
Characteristics Marriage

Wedding Ring: A one-man band.

Definitions Marriage

I hated my marriage, but I always had a great place to park.

American author, humor columnist & critic
Marriage

It is a truth universally acknowledge, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.

(1775 – 1817) English novelist
Money Wives

To marry is to halve your rights and double your duties.

(1788 – 1860) German philosopher
Marriage

A dress that zips up the back will bring a husband and wife together.

(1925 – 2010) American humorist & writer
Appearance Clothing Marriage

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

Husbands Marriage