Subject: Death

Why do men die before their wives? … Could it be because they want to?

(1967 – ) English comedian
Death Husbands Marriage Wives

A doctor’s reputation is made by the number of eminent men who die under his care.

(1856 – 1950) Irish playwright & socialist
Death Doctors Health

I still live.

(1782 – 1852) American statesman, senator (Massachusetts) & writer
Last words

The operation was a complete success, but the patient died of something else.

Death Doctors Health

Secretary: Someday you'll drown in a vat of whiskey.

Field’s reply as an aside: Drown in a vat of whiskey? Oh death, where is thy sting?

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Alcohol Death Food/Drink

If you want your name spelled wrong, die.

Communication Death Murphy’s Laws Reading/Writing

Lady, you shot me.

(1931 – 1964) American singer, songwriter & entrepreneur
Last words

This is too tight.

(1823 – 1865) Swiss-born Confederate officer in the American Civil War
Last words

Jesus is the only guy that ever came back from the dead that didn’t scare the f**k out of everybody!

(1953 – 1992) American comedian
Death

Hurry up, you Hoosier bastard, I could kill ten men while you're fooling about!

(1891 – 1930) American serial killer, arsonist & burglar
Last words

Give Death Panels a Chance

Death Signs

If I was on death row and given one last meal I would ask for a fortune cookie; “Come on ‘long prosperous life!’”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Death Food/Drink

Why not? After all, it belongs to him.

(1889 – 1977) English comedian, actor & film director
Last words

Why should I talk to you? I've just been talking with your boss.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Last words

If I could drop dead right now, I’d be the happiest man alive.

(1879 – 1974) film producer
Death Happiness Misspokements Speech

Let's be wild tonight.

(1920 – 1939) Finnish actress
Last words

The dying process begins the minute we are born, but it accelerates during dinner parties.

(1924 – 2003) American actress
Death

Funeral: A pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by enriching the undertaker, and strengthen our grief by an expenditure that deepens our groans and doubles our tears.

Death Definitions

I did not know that we had ever quarreled.

(1817 – 1862) American author, poet, philosopher,, naturalist & historian
Last words

A funeral eulogy is a belated plea for the defense delivered after the evidence is all in.

(1876 – 1944) American author, humorist & columnist
Communication Death Speech

They say that after a brush with death the world looks different and that was true for me, but by the time I caught my breath, I realized that it was because I had lost my glasses.

(1945 – 1997) American novelist & scholar
Death Situations