Subject: Death

Dear World, I am leaving because I am bored. I feel I have lived long enough. I am leaving you with your worries in this sweet cesspool. Good luck.

(1906 – 1972) Russian-born English actor, singer-songwriter & music composer
Last words

It's very beautiful over there.

(1847 – 1931) American inventor, scientist & businessman
Last words

Sex is like death… only after death you don’t feel like a pizza.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Death Food/Drink Sex

Spiritual is the word people use when they mean they want to be covered when they die but they’re not getting up early on a Sunday.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Beliefs Death Life

Well, gentlemen, you are about to see a baked Appel.

(? – 1928) mob boss
Last words

Sex and death; two things that come once in a lifetime… only after death, you’re not so nauseous.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Death Sex

A redneck died and left his entire fortune to his beloved wife… she couldn’t touch it until she was fourteen.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Death Marriage People Rednecks

Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

(1947 – ) author, humorist & satirist
Books Communication Death Reading/Writing

I am dying. Please… bring me a toothpick.

(1873 – 1907) French writer
Last words

… and now for a final word from our sponsor…

(? – 2000) television writer (Days of Our Lives)
Last words

That was a great game of golf, fellas.

(1902 – 1977) American singer & actor
Last words

My wife said to me, "I want to be cremated." I said, "How about Tuesday?"

(1924 – 2003) American comedian & actor
Death Marriage Wives

Remember, today could just as easily be the LAST day of the rest of your life.

David Gerrold (1944 – ) science fiction author
Death Time

I just wish I had time for one more bowl of chili.

(1809 – 1868) American frontiersman & scout
Last words

Surprise me.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Last words

I believe in reincarnation, so I’ve left all my money to myself.

(1943 – ) English disc jockey
Death Life

One last drink, please.

(1846 – 1911) American distiller
Last words

In this world nothing is certain but death and taxes.

(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor
Death Taxes

A few decades ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Hope, no Cash and no Jobs; please don’t let Kevin Bacon die!

(1950 – ) American actor & comedian
Death

If you live long enough, something will kill you.

Death Life Murphy’s Laws

Jolson’s funeral was widely attended by those who wanted to make sure.

(1898 – 1981) actor, singer, songwriter & movie producer
Death