Subject: Family

My daughter genuinely asked me to hand her the basketball bat… I might be failing as a father.

(1963 – ) American comedian & author
Family Fathers Sports

If I was playing third base and my mother rounded third with the winning run, I’d trip her up.

(1906 – 1991) American baseball player, coach & manager
Baseball Family Mothers Sports

Setting a good example for children takes all the fun out of middle age.

(1908 – 1976) publisher & author
Age Children Old People

My parents had to tie a pork chop around my neck so the dog would play with me.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Animals Dogs Family Parents

You want to look younger… rent smaller children.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Age Appearance Children Young

The number of person's relatives is directly proportional to his fame.

Family Murphy’s Laws Relationships

You might be a redneck if… you've got more than three cousins named 'Bubba'.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Family People Rednecks

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Death Husbands Mothers

Children aren’t happy with nothing to ignore, And that’s what parents were created for.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet
Children Family Fathers Mothers Parents

My family isn’t really Italian; we’re more like Olive Garden Italian.

(1978 – ) American comedian & writer
Family Relationships

A teen-ager out of sight is like a kite in the clouds; even though you can’t see it you feel the tug on the string.

writer
Children Family

Having a holiday weekend without a family member felt like putting on a sweater that had an extra arm.

(1975 – ) author, screenwriter & actress
Family

The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.

(1911 – 1980) humorist, writer, television host & journalist
Family

Never raise your hands to your kids… it leaves your groin unprotected.

(1919 – 2006) American comedian & actor
Children Family

When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and says he’s doing nothing, but the dog is barking, call 911.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Children Family Situations

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot… but I always found them.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Parents Places

I have a gold watch he [my father] sold to me on his deathbed; I wrote him a check for it… post-dated of course.

(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor
Death Family Fathers

I had an advantage – I slept with his mother.

(1923 – 2001) American football coach
Children Family Football Mothers Sports

Kids are great. That's one of the best things about our business, all the kids you get to meet. It's a shame they have to grow up to be regular people and come to the games and call you names.

(1963 – ) American professional basketball player & sports personality
Basketball Children Sports

If you don’t believe in ghosts, you’ve never been to a family reunion.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist
Family

And even though I’m proud my father invented the rear view mirror, we’re not as close as we appear.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Family Fathers