Subject: Family

I refuse to admit I’m more than 52, even if that does make my sons illegitimate.

(1879 – 1964) British politician

I’ve wanted to have a baby for about five years, but she wants one forever.

(1968 – ) English comedian & actor

I was raised around heterosexuals, as all heterosexuals are, that’s where us gay people come from… you heterosexuals.

(1958 – ) comedian, actress & television host

As a child my parents said they believed in Santa Claus but that I didn’t exist.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

Let the kids pay it – they still owe us rent and gas money.

(1927 – 1997) Am. comedian & satirist notable for mock presidential campaign

Genealogy: Tracing yourself back to people better than you are.

As my mother used to say, ‘You’ll get unconditional love from me when you’ve earned it.

(1954 – ) American stand-up comedian

I think that maybe if women and children were in charge we would get somewhere.

(1894 – 1961) author, cartoonist & humorist

My parents never understood me; they were Japanese.

(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor

Out of the mouths of babes come things parents never should have said.

My wife, she’s carrying our first child… he’s eight, the lazy little…

(1968 – ) English comedian & actor

And even though I’m proud my father invented the rear view mirror, we’re not as close as we appear.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

A three-year-old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm.

(1915 – 1977) columnist, writer & actor

I Heart My Little A-Holes

One of life’s greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn’t good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world.

Even before the kids are born, you’ve got to make these decisions; if it’s a boy, do we get him circumcised?… if it’s a girl, do we keep her?

(1965 – 2010) American stand-up comedian & television personality

Twin: A double-take.

The Night Dad Went to Jail

Teacher: A disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.

My dad has a weird hobby; he collects empty bottles… which sounds so much better than “alcoholic.”

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Do me a favor; when you get home, throw your mother a bone.

(1893 – 1967) writer, humorist & poet