Subject: Family

I refuse to admit I’m more than 52, even if that does make my sons illegitimate.

(1879 – 1964) British politician
Age Children Old

I’ve wanted to have a baby for about five years, but she wants one forever.

(1968 – ) English comedian & actor
Family

I was raised around heterosexuals, as all heterosexuals are, that’s where us gay people come from… you heterosexuals.

(1958 – ) comedian, actress & television host
Family Relationships

As a child my parents said they believed in Santa Claus but that I didn’t exist.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Family Parents

Let the kids pay it – they still owe us rent and gas money.

(1927 – 1997) Am. comedian & satirist notable for mock presidential campaign
Children Government Money

Genealogy: Tracing yourself back to people better than you are.

Definitions Family People

As my mother used to say, ‘You’ll get unconditional love from me when you’ve earned it.

(1954 – ) American stand-up comedian
Emotions Family Mothers Relationships

I think that maybe if women and children were in charge we would get somewhere.

(1894 – 1961) author, cartoonist & humorist
Children People Situations Women

My parents never understood me; they were Japanese.

(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor
Family Parents Self Understanding

Out of the mouths of babes come things parents never should have said.

Children Communication Family Speech

My wife, she’s carrying our first child… he’s eight, the lazy little…

(1968 – ) English comedian & actor
Children Family

And even though I’m proud my father invented the rear view mirror, we’re not as close as we appear.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Family Fathers

A three-year-old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm.

(1915 – 1977) columnist, writer & actor
Activities Age Animals Children Young

I Heart My Little A-Holes

Book Titles Children

One of life’s greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn’t good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world.

Children Family Marriage Proverbs

Even before the kids are born, you’ve got to make these decisions; if it’s a boy, do we get him circumcised?… if it’s a girl, do we keep her?

(1965 – 2010) American stand-up comedian & television personality
Children Family Situations

Twin: A double-take.

Definitions Family

The Night Dad Went to Jail

Book Titles Family Fathers

Teacher: A disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.

Children Definitions Education

My dad has a weird hobby; he collects empty bottles… which sounds so much better than “alcoholic.”

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Alcohol Fathers Food/Drink

Do me a favor; when you get home, throw your mother a bone.

(1893 – 1967) writer, humorist & poet
Family Mothers Situations