Subject: Sex

The annoying thing about Christmas is running out of batteries because the kids want them for their toys; I’m sorry, but if Christmas is coming – so am I.

(1975 – ) English comedian
Sex Things

Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Beliefs Sex

When I met my wife I wanted sex in the worst way… and I got it.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Sex Wives

Hey, don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone I love.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Sex TV/Movie Quotes

I practice safe sex… I use an airbag.

(1949 – 2016) American comedian & television actor
Sex

Adultery: Putting yourself in someone else’s position.

Marriage Sex

Kinky is using a feather; perverted is using the whole chicken.

Sex

61% of graduating teens have had sex, 37% will eventually have sex, and 2% become statisticians.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
People Sex

After lovemaking do you: A) go to sleep? B) light a cigarette? or C) return to the front of the bus?

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Sex Situations

I was making love to this girl and she started crying; I said “Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?” She said “No, I hate myself now.”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Sex

Anal sex is a lot like spinach: if you’re forced to have it as a child, you won’t enjoy it as an adult.

(1975 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
Sex

It's been so long since I made love I can't even remember who gets tied up.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Activities Sex Time

I remember what I was doing the first time I told someone I loved them… I was lying to get sex.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Emotions Love Sex Situations

Hey, for your information, people of our generation think sex is a private thing. And I still think that’s a pretty healthy way of looking at it. Sex is something between you and the person you’re doing it to!

(1940 – 2018) English-American actor & comedian
Sex TV/Movie Quotes

We got new advice as to what motivated man to walk upright… to free his hands for masturbation.

(1935 – ) screenwriter, author, director & producer
Sex

When I went to school, sex education was mainly muttered warnings about the janitor.

(1972 – ) Scottish comedian
Education School Sex

Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation… the other eight are unimportant.

(1891 – 1980) novelist & painter
Sex

Money… was exactly like sex, you thought of nothing else if you didn’t have it and thought of other things if you did.

(1924 – 1987) American novelist, writer, playwright, poet & civil rights activist
Money Sex

Jamie Buchman: Would you please tell Lisa what guys think, when women give in on the first date?

Paul Buchman: [pauses] Yippee?

(1957 – ) American comedian, actor & writer
Sex TV/Movie Quotes

NO! I will not have sex for money! I only have sex for jewels, furs, or mixed securities, like a lady.

(1958 – ) American actress & singer
Sex TV/Movie Quotes

Remember the old days when all you needed for safe sex was a padded headboard?

American comedian
Sex