Subject: Work

If you really want something in life you have to work for it; now quiet, they’re about to announce the lottery numbers.

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Dan Castellaneta)

I have long been of the opinion that if work were such a splendid thing the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.

(1940 – ) English politician

The profession of a prostitute is the only career in which the maximum income is paid to the newest apprentice.

(1829 – 1912) British preacher who founded The Salvation Army

Chef: Any cook who swears in French.

Authority tends to assign jobs to those least able to do them.

Once a man wants to hold a public office, he is absolutely no good for honest work.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator

Me carrying a briefcase is like a hotdog wearing earrings.

(1934 – 2010) American baseball manager

Always be nice to people on the way up; because you'll meet the same people on the way down.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter

Disc Jockey: A guy who lives on spins and needles.

Judge: Mr Smith, you must not direct the jury. What do you suppose I am on the bench for?

Smith: It is not for me, your honour, to attempt to fathom the inscrutable workings of Providence.

(1872 – 1930) British statesman, politician & lawyer

Acting is merely the art of keeping a large number of people from coughing.

(1902 – 1983) English actor

The Lord taught me to love everybody, but the last ones I learned to love were the sportswriters.

(1922 – ) American baseball player & manager

Waiter: A guy who believes money grows on a tray.

Authors want their names down in history; I want to keep the smoke coming out of the chimney.

(1918 – 2006) American writer

Diplomat: A headwaiter who is allowed to sit down occasionally. 

(1921 – 2004) English actor & author

The longer the title, the less important the job.

Ambassador: An honest man sent abroad to lie for the good of his country.

(1568 – 1639) English author, diplomat & politician

The only difference between a “hair stylist” and a regular barber is the price.

Boss: A person who comes early to see who comes late.

After a salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you had before.

The chief distinction of a diplomat is that he can say no in such a way that it sounds like yes.

(1897 – 1972) Canadian prime minister