Subject: Activities

I went on a job interview and the lady asked me if I’d pass a drug test; I said, “Yeah, if it’s written.”

American comedian
Drugs Work

Set aside half an hour every day to do all your worrying; then take a nap during this period.

Situations Sleep

We played strip chess. She had me down to my shorts and I fainted from tension.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Activities TV/Movie Quotes

Ability is the art of getting credit for all the home runs somebody else hits.

(1890 – 1975) American baseball manager
Activities Baseball Characteristics Sports

Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
Activities Communication Dance Entertainment Music Speech

I saw a guy juggling chain saws, it was cool, unless something needed to be sawed down, then it’s annoying.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities

Ironic how you can’t get kids out of their beds in the morning but you can’t get them into their beds at night.

(1958 – ) Australian author
Children Family Situations Sleep

Let me ask you… would crack be so bad, and would people think so harshly of crack, if it were called ‘crackle’?

(1968 – ) American actor & comedian
Activities Communication Drugs Language

Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish… my dreams were broadcast all over the world.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Situations Sleep World

Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Activities Sex Situations

In Swan Lake, I was the lifeguard.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Activities Entertainment

I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg… I thought: ‘This could be interesting.’

comedian
Activities Exercise

Fishing: A delusion entirely surrounded by liars in old clothes.

Activities Definitions

Vacation: Two weeks on the sunny sands – and the rest of the year on the financial rocks.

(1920 – 2001) American writer & humorist
Activities Money Places Time

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

Activities Games Situations

The best tip for insomnia for me is not trying to sleep.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Activities Sleep

You might be a redneck if… the Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Entertainment People Rednecks Shopping Television

I don’t jog; if I die I want to be sick.

(1922 – 2002) American college basketball coach
Activities Death

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Activities Entertainment Film Sports

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there’s never any gum under any of them.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Activities

The hardest part about rollerblading is telling your parents you’re gay.

(1983 – ) American comedian & actor
Activities