Subject: People

Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.

(1952 – 2001) English writer, dramatist, & musician
Characteristics Eating Food/Drink People

If it’s attention you want, don’t get involved with a man during play-off season.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Men People Sports Television

I’m at a point where I want a man in my life, but not in my house. Just come in, attach the VCR, and get out.

(1942 – ) American comedian, writer, actress & television host
Men People Relationships

If I were married to her, I’d be sure to have dinner ready when she got home.

(1920 – ) U.S. Secretary of State economist, statesman & businessman
People

You might be a redneck if… you’ve ever hauled a can of paint to the top of a water tower to defend your sister’s honor.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
People Relationships

Feminism is the worst thing that happened to woman… our job used to be no job. – Feminism

(1982 – ) American actress, stand-up comedian & writer
People Women

Always be nice to people on the way up because you'll meet the same people on the way down.

Characteristics People Success

Women won't even brag about [giving birth]… we men, when we fix a doorknob, drinks are on the house.

(1955 – ) American actor, stand-up comedian & impressionist
Men People Speech Women

It was tough growing up in Florida because all my friends were retired.

(1959 – ) American comedian, comedy writer, actor & author
Age Friends Old People Places Young

If the hours are long enough and the pay is short enough, someone will say it's women's work.

Money People Women Work

If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again.

Murphy’s Laws People

They put me in Special Ed because they thought I was slow, but I stayed in Special Ed for the ladies.

(1974 – ) Russian-born American comedian, writer & filmmaker
Education Girls Intelligence School

Fifty percent of America’s population spends less than ten dollars a month on romance; you know what we call these people? … Men.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Men Money People

You might be a redneck if… you think a stock tip is advice on worming' your hogs.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Money People Rednecks

I'm not buddy-buddy with the players. If they need a buddy, let them buy a dog.

(1931 – ) American baseball player & manager
Baseball Friends People Sports

Son, when a woman says nothing's wrong, it means everything's wrong; when a woman says everything's wrong, it means everything's wrong; and when a woman says that something isn't funny, you'd better not laugh your ass off!

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Dan Castellaneta)
People TV/Movie Quotes Women

I don't have any tattoos or piercings yet, but I do have a cold sore I've been ignoring.

(1959 – ) American comedian, actress & singer
Characteristics People Self

The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well.

People

I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers.

(1869 – 1948) Indian leader of independence movement
Characteristics People

Nature gave man two ends – one to sit on and one to think with; ever since then man’s success or failure has been dependent on the one he used most.

(1867 – 1937) American anti-militarist writer & political activist
Intelligence People

USA Today has come out with a new survey; apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.

(1947 – ) comedian & television host
Facts People Science/Weather