Subject: People

You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don’t care for him.

(1963 – ) Canadian writer, actor & stand-up comedian
People

Next to the wound, what women make best is the bandage.

(1808 – 1889) French novelist & short story writer
People Women

When team members are finally in a position to help the team, it turns out they have quit the team.

Murphy’s Laws People

Poor Jesus; first he's crucified, then he has to spend his Saturdays with Jerry Falwell.

(1959 – ) American stand-up comedian
People Situations

For the white people, it would be like if you were going to Vermont.

American stand-up comedian
People Places

A cannibal is a person who walks into a restaurant and orders a waiter.

(1908 – 1996) actor & comedian
Food/Drink People

Bachelor: A man who has faults he doesn’t know about.

Definitions Men People

He called me a ‘rapist’ and a ‘recluse’ … I’m not a recluse.

(1966 – ) American boxing champion
Insults People Self

It is hard to look up to a leader who keeps his ear to the ground.

(1925 – 2010) American humorist & writer
People

A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet
Individuals People

The only reason I exist is so my shadow would have something to do.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
People Self Things

You might be a redneck if… your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
People Rednecks

The scariest guy in prison is the white guy… because he's guilty.

American comedian
Conflict Crime Law People

Setting a good example for children takes all the fun out of middle age.

(1908 – 1976) publisher & author
Age Children Old People

Abstainer: The kind of man you wouldn’t want to drink with even if he did.

(1882 – 1958) drama critic, editor
Alcohol Food/Drink People

Better sleep with a sober cannibal than a drunken Christian.

(1819 – 1891) American novelist, essayist & poet
People Situations

An Englishmen thinks seated; a Frenchmen standing; an American pacing, an Irishman, afterwards.

(1858 – 1932) American physicist, physician & humorist
America England Intelligence People Thinking

The best way to keep a man is in doubt.

(1908 – 1980) businessman, humorist
People Situations

Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book.

Murphy’s Laws People

Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer.; but imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Death People

They should put expiration dates on clothing so we men will know when they go out of style.

(1949 – 2016) American comedian & television actor
Appearance Clothing Men People