Subject: People

A man has one hundred dollars and you leave him with two dollars, that's subtraction.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol

I smile so seldom that I wonder at Arlene Francis, who smiles persistently… like the Sorcerer's Apprentice, once she turns it on can she turn it off?

(1906 – 1972) pianist, composer, author, comedian & actor

Ask anybody over 30 – if they tell you they have more than 10 friends, you know they’re counting co-workers.

American comedian & television host

A wedding invitation is sent by people who have been saying, “Do we have to ask them?” to people whose first response is, “How much do you think we have to spend on them?”

(1938 – ) journalist, columnist (Miss Manners)

Philanderer: A man who considers himself too good to be true.

Cannibals are not vegetarians, they are humanitarians.

Women don’t respect salad eaters.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

The amount of trash accumulated within the space occupied is exponentially proportional to the number of living bodies that enter and leave within any given amount of time.

If you own a home with wheels on it and several cars without, you just might be a redneck.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

My girl works at Hooters… in the kitchen.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer.; but imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master.

(1956 – ) American comedian

If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

(1951 – 2014) comedian & actor

Only the mediocre are always at their best.

(1882 – 1944) French novelist, essayist, diplomat & playwright

There are three kinda men in the world; there’s men that own rope, men that use eye creme, and that dude from Nickelback.

(1963 – ) American comedian & author

I don’t believe in sceptics.

British writer, actor, comic & television & radio presenter

Sidesaddle: How men, rather than women, would ride in a truly logical world.

Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.

(1918 – 2004) radio and television comedian & talk show host

I don't have a girlfriend but I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Men in high levels of government seldom surf.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

Guys I’ve been meeting have the worst pickup lines, like: “Hey, what’s your friend’s name?”

(1977 – ) American comedian

There are three terrible ages of childhood – 1 to 10, 10 to 20, and 20 to 30.

(1917 – 1998) author, critic, animal rights activist