Subject: People

About the only difference between the poor and the rich, is… the poor suffer misery, while the rich have to enjoy it.

(1818 – 1885) humorist
Money People

At a dinner party in Hollywood, an British author was shredding the reputation of a Broadway actress, capping it with, "She's her own worst enemy."
To which Kaufman quietly added, "Not while you're alive."

(1889 – 1961) Am. playwright, theater director & producer & humorist
People Situations

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
People Self

You might be a redneck if… you’ve ever hauled a can of paint to the top of a water tower to defend your sister’s honor.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
People Relationships

Hedda Hopper: How do you know so much about men?

West: Baby, I went to night school.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Education Men People School

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Conflict Friends Killing People Young

When I was young, I looked like Al Capone but I lacked his compassion.

(1906 – 1972) pianist, composer, author, comedian & actor
People Self

The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Men Relationships Time

I was raped by a doctor … which is so bittersweet for a Jewish girl.

(1970 – ) American comedian, writer & actress
People Self

Mexicans are always tough with lots of heart; Koreans raw and gritty; the poor British tend to stand up straight and take it on the chops, bleeding almost before the opening bell.

Canadian sportswriter
Boxing People Sports

For three years everything was going great, and then she just upped and left me to find a guy who wouldn’t hit her.

(1968 – ) American stand-up comedian, radio personality, author & actor
Girlfriends People Relationships

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it’s more likely to be female.

(1928 – ) English zoologist, ethologist, painter & author
Animals People

Nice guys finish first; if you don’t know that, then you don’t know where the finish line is.

(1949 – 2016) American comedian & television actor
People

Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse… but enough about Kanye West.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
People Reviews/Criticism

Men look at breasts the way women look at babies – 'Aw, isn't that lovely.'

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
Appearance Body Men People

I didn’t know whether to break up with my girlfriend or take a break, so I planted weed in her purse and called the cops. Now I have 30 days to figure things out.

American comedian
Girlfriends Relationships

If you surveyed a hundred typical middle-aged Americans, I bet you'd find that only two of them could tell you their blood types, but every last one of them would know the theme song from the 'Beverly Hillbillies.’

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
America Intelligence People Places

Pizza is like a lady’s breasts: there’s good pizza… and there’s great pizza; but there isn’t bad pizza.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Body Women

My girlfriend was so fat her clothes were made by Omar the tent maker.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Body Fat Girlfriends

Rosten’s First Law: First-rate people hire first-rate people; second-rate people hire third-rate people.

(1908 – 1997) German-born teacher, academic & humorist
Murphy’s Laws People Work

I read recently that women still make 30% less than men in the workplace, which I think is fine, cause if we didn’t make 30% more, you guys would marry each other.

(1978 – ) American comedian & writer
Marriage Money People Women