Subject: People

When I don't look like the tragic muse, I look like the smoky relic of the great Boston Fire.

(1832 – 1888) novelist
Appearance People Self

Why is it that men who can go through severe accidents, air raids, and any other major crisis always seem to think that they are at death's door when they have a simple head cold?"

(1898 – 1992) American actress
Health Men People

I only like two kinds of men; domestic and foreign.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Emotions Men People Places

The difference between a moral man and a man of honor is that the latter regrets a discreditable act, even when it has worked and he has not been caught.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Characteristics People

Rosten’s First Law: First-rate people hire first-rate people; second-rate people hire third-rate people.

(1908 – 1997) German-born teacher, academic & humorist
Murphy’s Laws People Work

I’m not saying she’s easy, but she’s been in so many motel rooms her nickname is ‘Gideon.’

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
People Sex Women

There are four kinds of people: those who sit quietly and do nothing, those who talk about sitting quietly and doing nothing, those who do things, and those who talk about doing things.

Communication Murphy’s Laws People Speech

Woman begins by resisting a man’s advances and ends by blocking his retreat.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet
People Relationships Women

A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn’t there.

(1809 – 1882) English naturalist
People

You might be a redneck if… you think Taco Bell is the Mexican Phone Company.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
People Rednecks

Ingrate: A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of indigestion.

Definitions People

When I was born I owed twelve dollars.

(1889 – 1961) Am. playwright, theater director & producer & humorist
Money Poverty Self

USA Today has come out with a new survey; apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.

(1947 – ) comedian & television host
Facts People Science/Weather

Only a man who has loved a woman of genius can appreciate what happiness there is in loving a fool.

(1754 – 1838) French prime minister & diplomat
Fools Intelligence Marriage Men Women

Anybody who hates dogs and children can’t be all bad.

(1908 – 1997) German-born teacher, academic & humorist
People

In high school, I was the class comedian as opposed to the class clown; the difference is the class clown is the guy who drops his pants at the football game, the class comedian is the guy who talked him into it.

(1948 – ) comedian, actor, writer, producer & film director
Education School Self

The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead.

(1918 – 2002) advice columnist
Happiness Life Marriage People Poverty Wealth

I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming “No, that’s not what I said!”

(1965 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
Girlfriends People Relationships

I always thought I'd go to the Oscars, but only as a stalker.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Entertainment Film People Self

Y-chromosome: A line of genes designed for men only; the cause of virility, war, baldness, hockey, sex crimes, clever inventions and a disinclination to ask for directions when lost.

(1950 – ) American author, satirist, webmaster & copywriter
Definitions Men

Communism doesn’t work because people like to own stuff.

(1940 – 1993) composer, guitarist, record producer & film director
Beliefs People Things