Subject: Characteristics

Our ego is our silent partner – too often with a controlling interest.

(1923 – ) American quote & quip writer
Characteristics People Self

You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Characteristics Situations Work

I know of no sentence that can induce such immediate and brazen lying as the one that begins, "Have you read…"

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Characteristics Honesty Lies

I need to develop some patience — immediately.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Characteristics

I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb… and I also know that I’m not blonde.

(1946 – ) singer, songwriter, author & actress
Appearance Characteristics Intelligence

I consider sex a misdemeanor, the more I miss, de meaner I get.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Characteristics Sex

How many of you have ever started dating because you were too lazy to commit suicide?

(1956 – ) American entertainer & comedian
Characteristics Dating Relationships

Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Characteristics People

Hector Camacho's great-dream is to die in his own arms.

Boxing press agent
Boxing Characteristics Sports

In the heat of a political lifetime, he innocently squirrels away tidbits of misinformation and then, sometimes years later, casually drops them into his public discourse, like gum balls in a quiche

Characteristics People

There’s only one difference between Catholics and Jews; Jews are born with guilt, and Catholics have to go to school to learn it.

(1952 – ) comedian
Beliefs Characteristics People Religion

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.

(1939 – ) comedian, actress, writer & producer
Characteristics Work

Nothing inspires forgiveness quite like revenge.

(1957 – ) cartoonist (Dilbert)
Characteristics

Isn't an agnostic just an atheist without balls?

(1964 – ) comedian, political satirist, writer & television host
Beliefs Characteristics Religion

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't after you.

(1930 – ) actor, writer, film & television director
Characteristics Health

Reputation is character minus what you’ve been caught doing.

American comedian, writer, consultant & author
Characteristics

I got a cousin who's a psychotic with low self-esteem; he only wants to assassinate the vice president.

television writer, producer & director
Characteristics Conflict Health Killing

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

(1878 – 1937) humorist, journalist & author
Characteristics Past Time

One could drive a schooner through any part of his argument and never scrape against a fact.

(1866 – 1940) academic, businessman & politician
Characteristics Facts Insults Truth

An alibi is a reason with a bad reputation.

(1926 – ) newspaper columnist
Characteristics Honesty

Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.

(1952 – 2001) English writer, dramatist, & musician
Characteristics Eating Food/Drink People