Subject: Places

America: A nation that conceives many odd inventions for getting somewhere but can think of nothing to do when it gets there.

America Definitions Places

A government survey reveals the prime minister is doing the work of two men… Laurel and Hardy.

(1930 – 2016) Scottish stand-up comedian, actor, writer & broadcaster
England Government

According to modern astronomers, space is finite; this is a very comforting thought – particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Places Science/Weather

I saw a mosquito in Alaska so big… I could see his brand.

Animals Exaggerations Places

I'm from one of those places where the whole number system consists of one, two and a shitload.

(1955 – ) American actor, stand-up comedian & impressionist
Education Places

No one ever went broke in Hollywood underestimating the intelligence of the public.

(1883 – 1963) American writer & hostess
Hollywood Intelligence People Places

Cross country skiing is great… if you live in a small country.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Places Sports

I'd rather be a lamppost in Denver than the mayor of Philadelphia.

American professional boxer
Boxing Insults Places Sports

A New Zealander in a frenzy is an American in a coma.

(1970 – ) New Zealand stand-up comedian & radio & television personality
Characteristics Places World

Drug Kingpin Amado Fuentes died from 9 hours of liposuction and plastic surgery – or, as it's commonly known here in Beverly Hills, natural causes.

(1956 – ) comedian, television host, social critic & political commentator
Death Health Places

Of course, America had often been discovered before Columbus, but it had always been hushed up.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet
America Insults Places

The difference between America and England is that Americans think 100 years is a long time, while the English think 100 miles is a long way.

Irish music columnist & journalist
America England Places

London: A place you go to get bronchitis.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Definitions Health Places

The president of France said that the English are arrogant with their refusal to learn foreign languages; at least, I think that’s what he said… it all just sounded like “haw-he-haw-he-haw-he-haw.”

(1973 – ) English writer & stand-up comedian
Communication England Language Places

I came from a real tough neighborhood; in the library the sign says “Shut the f**k up!”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Places

The smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Autos New York City Places

To me the outdoors is what you must pass through in order to get from your apartment into a taxicab.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Places

Today, I bought a pastrami sandwich: $13.75; walked back out in the street – genuine Rolex watch: six bucks.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Money New York City Places

For the white people, it would be like if you were going to Vermont.

American stand-up comedian
People Places

My house is on the median strip of a highway; you don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Places

The food in Yugoslavia is fine if you like pork tartare.

(1949 – ) American actor & environmentalist
Food/Drink Health Insults Places