Subject: Conflict

Ideas pull the trigger, but instinct loads the gun.

(1878 – 1937) humorist, journalist & author
Arms Ideas Intelligence

My wife and I had words – but I never got to use mine.

Conflict Marriage Wives

Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion.


(1934 – 2012) American army general
Conflict Places War

How is it possible to have a civil war?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Conflict War Wordplay

You might be a redneck if… you got into a fistfight at your last yard sale.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Conflict Fights People Rednecks

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Characteristics Conflict Killing People

Any ship can be a minesweeper… once.

Arms Military Murphy’s Laws War

Outside of the killings, [Washington] has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.

(1936 – ) American politician, Mayor of Washington, D.C.
Conflict Crime Misspokements

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals; she thought we just fought in world war eleven.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Intelligence War

Capital Punishment: Killing people who kill people to prove that killing people is wrong.

Crime Death Definitions Killing

In Washington, officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of high school students… there were no survivors.

(1970 – ) American actress, comedian, writer & producer
Arms Conflict

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into [a store] and punched someone in the face.

English musician, actor, writer & comedian
Conflict Fights Places World

I’ve been temping at the job that laid me off, and that’s awkward because everybody knows I got canned, and they think I’ve come back to shoot them.

stand-up comedian & writer
Conflict Situations Work

At the end of the Peterson trial, my daughter turns to me and she goes, 'Daddy, are you going to kill Mommy?'… 'Oh, honey – that's up to Mommy, isn't it?'

(1964 – ) American comedian & actor
Conflict Killing Marriage Wives

The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the weapon's operator.

Arms Intelligence Military

I don’t worry about terrorism… I was married for two years.

(1953 – 1992) American comedian
Conflict Marriage

The only reason we're not in Iran now is because we're going alphabetically and George Bush can't spell.

(1965 – 2010) American stand-up comedian & television personality
Communication Conflict War

Man should stop fighting among themselves and start fighting insects.

(1849 – 1926) American botanist & horticulturist
Animals Conflict War

If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me.

(1962 – ) comedian, actor, voice actor, screenwriter, & film & television director
Conflict Fights Situations

Man Is Fatally Slain

Conflict Headlines

The Middle Eastern states aren’t nations, they’re quarrels with borders.

(1947 – ) author, humorist & satirist
Conflict Fights Places