Subject: Conflict

I’m not worried about the Third World War… that’s the Third World’s problem.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Conflict War Wordplay

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Conflict Fights Things

If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I’ll let you have the pen!

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Conflict Things

A Canadian is sort of like an American, but without the gun.

America Arms Conflict People Places

A fanatic is one who sticks to his guns whether they're loaded or not.

(1908 – 1980) businessman, humorist
Arms Beliefs Opinion Things

If it weren’t for marriage, husband and wives would have to fight with strangers.

(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor
Conflict Fights Marriage

I will personally challenge anyone who wants to get rid of fighting to a fight.

American-Canadian hockey executive
Fights Hockey Sports

Incoming fire has the right of way.

Military Murphy’s Laws War

[My husband] and I are always fighting; when we get up in the morning, we don't kiss; we touch gloves.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Conflict Marriage Problems

Every fight is a food fight when you’re a cannibal.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Conflict Fights Food/Drink

Trying to give my kids an education in Los Angeles is a nightmare with the guns, the gangs, the drugs – and I'm home schooling them.

American comedian & writer
Conflict Drugs Education Places

If you are going to have a fight with a visiting club, be sure to insult them the day they come to town, and not the last day of the series. It pays off better.

(1914 – 1986) American baseball team owner & promoter
Baseball Conflict Fights Sports

Abscond: To move in a mysterious way, commonly with the property of another.

Crime Definitions

Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Characteristics Men People War

There are two sides to every argument, and they’re usually married to each other.

Communication Conflict Marriage Speech

Army recruiter: Have you ever been convicted of a felony or a misdemeanor? That’s robbery, rape, car theft, that sort of thing.

Ziskey: Never convicted.

(1944 – 2014) American actor, director & writer
Crime TV/Movie Quotes

I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Conflict Crime Situations

Some of my best friends are thieves; why, just last week we had the president of the bank over for dinner.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Conflict Crime People

You break into my house… my wife will shoot you, and then spend thirty minutes telling you why she shot you.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Arms Speech Things

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Conflict Crime Places

When there’s a single thief, it's robbery; when there are a thousand thieves, it’s taxation.

Crime Government Taxes