Subject: Animals

A few cobras in your home will soon clear it of rats and mice… of course, you will still have the cobras.

(1884 – 1949) American humorist & literary critic
Animals Situations

A bird in the hand is usually dead.

Animals Proverbs

I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb – they diffused it.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comic
Animals

My Big Book of Pretty Pussies

Animals Book Titles Cats

You know what, evolution is a myth; why aren't monkeys still evolving into humans?

(1969 – ) U.S. Representative (Delaware)
Animals Beliefs

Any dog under fifty pounds is a cat and cats are useless.

(1970 – ) American actor, writer & carpenter
Animals Dogs TV/Movie Quotes

You can put a coat and tie on a goat, and it’s still a goat.

Animals Appearance Proverbs

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Animals Situations

Most jobs resemble a sled dog team: no one gets a change of scenery, except the lead dog.

Animals Dogs Murphy’s Laws Situations Work

A full-grown manatee, which can weigh more than 1,000 pounds, looks like the result of a genetic experiment involving a walrus and the Goodyear Blimp.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Animals Things

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

(1957 – ) English actor, writer, journalist, comedian & film director
Animals Science/Weather

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

Animals

All the good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow.

(1892 – 1942) American painter
Animals Ideas Intelligence Situations

Horses have four bits of lucky nailed to their feet; they should be the luckiest animals in the world.

(1962 – ) English stand-up comedian & actor
Animals

Kinky sex involves the use of duck feathers; perverted sex involves the whole duck.

(1946 – 1994) writer & humorist
Animals Sex

As anyone who has ever been around a cat for any length of time well knows, cats have enormous patience with the limitations of the human kind.

(1917 – 1998) author, critic, animal rights activist
Animals Cats Characteristics People

Some dog I got too; we call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Animals Dogs

Cat bathing is a martial art.

Animals Cats

I wanna put stickers on turtles… I don’t know why.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Animals

As ugly as a bulldog chewing a wasp.

Animals Appearance Dogs Expressions Ugly

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.

(1942 – ) humorist & radio broadcaster
Animals Cats