Subject: Animals

Cat: A lap warmer with a built-in buzzer.

Animals Cats Definitions

The cat could very well be man’s best friend but would never stoop to admitting it.

(1926 – ) newspaper columnist
Animals Cats

Dog: The only friend you can buy for money.

Animals Definitions Dogs

There are 350 varieties of shark, not counting loan and pool.

(1927 – 2007) American newspaper columnist
Animals

Animals may be our friends; but they won’t pick you up at the airport.

(1962 – ) comedian, actor, voice actor, screenwriter, & film & television director
Animals Friends People

Bears are simultaneously so graceful and so strong… [they] know who they are, but they often don’t know who you are, which is why they kill you.

(1978 – ) American comedian & writer
Animals

The scientific name for an animal that doesn’t either run from or fight its enemies is lunch.

(1947 – ) American philosopher of science
Animals Science/Weather

Dogs are like penises… I enjoy my own, but I don't want to be touched by anyone else's.

American comedian
Animals Dogs

When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.

(1941 – 2012) American novelist, producer, screenwriter & director
Animals Children Dogs Family

Outside of a dog, a book is your best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Age Animals Books Communication Dogs Intelligence Reading/Writing Relationships Situations

They should call fishing what it really is… tricking and killing!

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities Animals Language Sports

How to Tell if Your Cat is Plotting to Kill You

Book Titles Cats

I believe our Heavenly Father invented man because he was disappointed in the monkey.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Animals Beliefs God People

Happiness is a warm puppy with an empty bladder.

Animals Dogs Murphy’s Laws

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what would happen if you strapped toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Cats Food/Drink Things

Never wear anything that panics the cat.

(1947 – ) author, humorist & satirist
Animals Appearance Cats Clothing

If God did not intend for us to eat animals, then why did he make them out of meat?

(1939 – ) English actor, comedian, writer & producer
Animals

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

Animals

We've got stained glass windows in our house; it's those damned pigeons.

(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor
Animals Places

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Animals Death Dogs Marriage

He's as big as a gorilla and as strong as a gorilla; if he was as smart as a gorilla he'd be fine.

college football coach
Animals Appearance Body Insults Intelligence