Subject: Communication

The literary gift is a mere accident – is as often bestowed on idiots who have nothing to say worth hearing as it is denied to strenuous sages.

(1872 – 1956) English essayist, parodist & caricaturist
Communication Reading/Writing

If something is 1.0, you don’t need to say, ‘point oh.’

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Communication Language

Do they give pilots crash courses in flight school?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Occupations Wordplay Work

I was filling out a questionnaire that said, “Who would you most like to sleep with – anyone living or dead?” I said “Anyone living.”

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Sex Situations Wordplay

We should develop anti-satellite weapons because we could not have prevailed without them in ‘Red Storm Rising.’

(1947 – ) U.S. vice president & politician
Arms Books Communication Reading/Writing Things

Intelligence tests are biased toward the literate.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Intelligence Reading/Writing

Censor: A man who knows more than he thinks you ought to.

(1919 – 1990) educator & writer
Communication Definitions Language

Yawn: It’s always dullest just before the yawn.

Definitions Wordplay

Heckler: A guy who ribs you the wrong way.

Definitions Wordplay

So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

(1967 – ) English actor, writer & comedian
Miscellaneous Wordplay

Abbreviation: Long word with, ironically, no obvious shorter alternative.

British writer, cartoonist, poet & performer
Definitions Language Reading/Writing

Advice: the smallest current coin.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Communication Definitions Language Opinion

When the Republicans read the Constitution on the House floor, that’s the first time ever that Republicans read something that wasn’t written by a lobbyist.

(1961 – ) comedian, writer, radio & television personality & blogger
Communication Government Speech

In a restaurant with seats which are close to each other, one will always find the decibel level of the nearest conversation to be inversely proportional to the quality of the thought going into it.

Communication Conversation Murphy’s Laws Speech

I think it would be really confusing if you’re performing an abortion and somebody runs in and says, “Abort! Abort!”

(1981 – ) American comedian, writer & actor
Communication Language Situations

There are two professions that one can be hired with little experience: one is prostitution, the other is sportscasting, and too frequently, they become the same.

(1918 – 1995) American sports journalist & television commentator
Communication

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders… I hate necks.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
Body Communication People Women Wordplay

A day without newspapers is like walking around without your pants on.

(1924 – 2014) American baseball player & announcer
Misspokements Reading/Writing

The past does not repeat itself, but it rhymes.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Language Past Time

When life gets you down, make a comforter.

American comedian
Communication Wordplay

Did you ever meet a mother who’s complained that her child phoned her too often… me neither.

(1946 – ) British actress, columnist & comedian
Children Communication Family Mothers