Subject: Health

All the years this guy did drugs, no one could have slipped him some calcium?

comedian
Activities Drugs Health

Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club; you’re not out of it until the computer says you’re out of it.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Health

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Characteristics Health Situations

People usually survive their illnesses, but the paper work eventually does them in; filing a claim for insurance is terminal.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Health

The operation was a success, but I’m afraid the doctor is dead.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
Doctors Health

I’m so frightened of disease that it’s to the point I won’t have sex with someone… unless they say… you know… “Okay.”

(1970 – ) American comedian, writer & actress
Health Sex

I was in analysis for years and nothing happened. My poor analyst got so frustrated, the guy finally put in a salad bar.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Health TV/Movie Quotes

… having too much collateral in your blood.

Health Malaprops

Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.

(1879 – 1974) film producer
Health Misspokements Speech

I told my doctor I wanna stop aging, he gave me a gun!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Age Doctors Health Old Things

My husband was so ugly, he used to stand outside the doctor’s office and make people sick.

(1894 – 1975) American comedian
Appearance Health Husbands Marriage Ugly

If I ever had twins, I’d use one for parts.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Children Health

In some ways, cramp is worse than having a broken leg… but leukemia is worse still.

English former football player & manager
Health Misspokements Sports

I don't need you to remind me of my age; I have a bladder to do that for me.

(1957 – ) English actor, writer, journalist, comedian & film director
Age Health Old

Sooner or later, the lame, the halt, and the blind all seek refuge with us.

(1914 – 1986) American baseball team owner & promoter
Baseball Health Sports

My doctor is wonderful; once, when I couldn’t afford an operation, he touched up the X-rays.

(1918 – 2007) American entertainer, actor & television host
Doctors Health Money

Neurotic means he is not as sensible as I am, and psychotic means he’s even worse than my brother-in-law.

(1893 – 1990) American psychiatrist
Health

It’s stressful being a hypochondriac. In my home I have a walk-in medicine chest.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Health

He was in cardial arrest.

Health Malaprops

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Health Life

I thought AAA was an organization for people who are really bad alcoholics.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Alcohol Food/Drink Health