Subject: Health

They said he had neurosis of the liver.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Health Malaprops

Doctor: A man who suffers from good health.

Definitions Doctors

Osteopath: A man who works his fingers to your bones.

Definitions Doctors

An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician.

Alcohol Doctors Food/Drink Health

If your time ain’t come, not even a doctor can kill you.

Death Doctors Health Life Situations

Doctors, dentists, and lawyers are only on time for appointments when you’re not.

Doctors Lawyers Murphy’s Laws

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Characteristics Health Situations

I tried phone sex and got an ear infection.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Health Sex

Three things are bad for you: I can’t remember the first two, but doughnuts are the third.

football coach
Food/Drink Football Health Sports

I’d have to get better just to die.

Expressions Health

The more boring and out-of-date the magazines in the waiting room, the longer you will have to wait for your scheduled appointment.

Health Murphy’s Laws Reading/Writing Time

I had amnesia… once or twice.


Health Memory

Serkin was so sick he almost died for three days.

(1899 – 1985) Hungarian-born conductor & violinist
Death Health Misspokements

I realized I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

Communication Health Language Reading/Writing

Healthy is just a precancerous condition.

(1954 – ) American stand-up comedian
Health

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d druther not.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Health

I know of nothing more laughable than a doctor who does not die of old age.

(1694 – 1778) French author, humanist & satirist
Doctors Emotions Health

I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o’clock in the morning.

(1882 – 1942) American actor
Food/Drink Health

We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe 25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in seconds if we felt like it.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
America Health Places

I told my doctor I wanna stop aging, he gave me a gun!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Age Doctors Health Old Things

Erectile Dysfunction Probed with Engineering Tool

Headlines Health