Subject: Health

Dyselxics Have More Nuf.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee

And I’ll forgive the allergies.

(1874 – 1963) American poet

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast; turned out to be a trick knee.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness.

I have Bright's Disease… and he has mine.

(1904 – 1979) Jewish-American humorist, author & screenwriter

If you have s stomach ache, in France you get a suppository, in Germany a health spa, in the United States they cut your stomach open and in Britain they put you on a waiting list.

(1955 – ) English politician

If medicine has made so much progress in the last 30 years, how come I felt better 30 years ago?

(1935 – 2012) American football player, sports announcer & actor

Only have a nervous breakdown if you’ve got loads of money, and then you can really enjoy it.

(1955 – ) English composer, singer, songwriter & producer

Doctor: A guy who tells you if you don’t cut out something he’ll cut something out of you.

I don't need you to remind me of my age; I have a bladder to do that for me.

(1957 – ) English actor, writer, journalist, comedian & film director

The Republicans have a new healthcare proposal: Just say NO to illness!

(1932 – ) American political satirist & comedian

People often write me and ask how I keep my wood floors so clean when I live with a child and a dog, and my answer is that I use a technique called “Suffering From a Mental Illness.”

(1975 – ) blogger

My dad’s third heart attack, he’d gotten so good at them, he decided to drive himself to the hospital because, ‘They won’t let me smoke in the ambulance!' and ‘You can’t make a burger run.'

(1964 – ) American comedian & actor

A psychiatrist is the next man you start talking to after you start talking to yourself.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

Hypochondriac: One who enjoys poor health, then complains of feeling better.

If you don’t have a bad back by the time you’re 60, then you haven’t done anything in your life.

baseball manager

Life is a terminal disease.

I have been laid up with intentional flu.

(1879 – 1974) film producer

I was in analysis for years and nothing happened. My poor analyst got so frustrated, the guy finally put in a salad bar.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Serkin was so sick he almost died for three days.

(1899 – 1985) Hungarian-born conductor & violinist