Subject: Health

A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctor's book.

Activities Health Proverbs Sleep

My struggle to remain healthy is gradually killing me.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist
Death Health

Oh, last week was a rough week, I noticed my gums were shrinking… I was brushing my teeth with Preparation H.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Health Situations

My doctor gave me two weeks to live… I hope they're in August.

comedian
Death Doctors Health

I went to medical school here at Columbia; I got my M.D.; and was practicing out in Colorado, where I decided to quit and do stand-up – and not just because of the lawsuits.

(1971 – ) American comedian, actor, television host & former physician
Doctors Education Health Law School

God may choose to heal someone from cancer, yet that person still has a great deal of medical bills; the outstanding bills do not determine whether or not the patient has been healed by God.

(1969 – ) U.S. Representative (Delaware)
Beliefs God Health Misspokements

The doctor is to be feared more than the disease.

Doctors Health Proverbs

The physician can bury his mistakes, but the architect can only advise his client to plant vines.

(1867 – 1959) architect, interior designer, writer & educator
Doctors Health Mistakes

If your time ain't come, not even a doctor can kill you.

Death Doctors Health Life Situations

Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m a schizophrenic, and so am I.

(1942 – ) Scottish comedian, musician & actor
Health

Pills to be taken in twos always come out of the bottle in threes.

Health Murphy’s Laws

A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet
Children Family Health Men Women

I saw one of those giant Hummer cars with handicapped tags on it; I thought, 'Wow, I never realized that being an a**hole was technically a handicap.'

(1965 – 2010) American stand-up comedian & television personality
Autos Health Things

Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.

Alcohol Food/Drink Health Life

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places; he told me to quit going to those places.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Doctors Health Places

My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.

(1920 – 2000) American actor
Death Doctors Health Money

Liposuction: A surgical procedure from which the patient emerges significantly lighter in both pounds and dollars.

Appearance Body Definitions Health

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities Games Health

I learned a long time ago that minor surgery is when they do the operation on someone else, not you.

American basketball player
Basketball Health Sports

If you have over forty eyes and have noticed how your vision has changed…

Classifieds Health

… having too much collateral in your blood.

Health Malaprops