Subject: Things

I can look at a car’s headlights and tell you exactly which way it’s coming.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Autos Situations Things

Scissors: A piece maker.

Definitions Things

I once locked my keys out of my car… I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Situations Things

Bad Driver: The person you run into.

Autos Definitions Things

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Autos Children Family Things

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Places Science/Weather Things

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Things

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

Autos Science/Weather Situations Things

Interchangeable devices won't.

Murphy’s Laws Things

Envelopes and stamps which don't stick when you lick them will stick to other things when you don't want them to.

Murphy’s Laws Problems Things

For a while I didn't have a car, so I drove a helicopter… I didn't have anywhere to park it so I tied a rope to it, and left it running.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Things

A pair of scissors should be a true pair; the second pair is to be used in place of the pair that is never where it is always supposed to be.

Murphy’s Laws Things

The best way to find something you have lost is to buy a replacement.

(1918 – 2002) advice columnist
Murphy’s Laws Things

I bought a perfect second car… a tow truck.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Autos Things

Twitter makes you like people you don’t know, and Facebook makes you hate people you do.

Murphy’s Laws Things

I hate when people drive like me.

(1966 – 2011) American stand-up comedian
Autos Driving Situations Things

Power outage at a department store yesterday, twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

comedian
Situations Things

The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Autos Places

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Alcohol Food/Drink Things

Batteries die at the most critical time of the most complex problem.

Failure Murphy’s Laws Problems Things

A pair of scissors should be a true pair; the second pair is to be used in place of the pair that is never where it is always supposed to be.

Murphy’s Laws Things