Subject: Things

You might be a redneck if… you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Food/Drink People Rednecks Things

Never buy a car you can’t push.

Autos Proverbs Things

Fuses never blow during daylight hours.
Corollary: Only after fuses blow do you discover the flashlight batteries are dead and you’re out of candles, or matches, or both.

Murphy’s Laws Things

Push something hard enough and it will fall over.

Murphy’s Laws Things

Men still die with their boots on, but usually one boot is on the accelerator.

(1899 – 1995) humorist
Accidents Autos Clothing Death Problems

Umbrella: A movable roof.

Definitions Things

The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Communication Computers Science/Weather Things

Car Pool: Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the furthest with the biggest bunch of kids who have had the most sugar.

Autos Definitions Things

I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn’t hear it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Places Things

Performance is directly affected by the perversity of inanimate objects.

Murphy’s Laws Things

If the Internet is any guide, a lot of people who are pro-gun are also anti-spelling.

(1958 – ) American writer, comedian, satirist & actor
Things

Men like phones with lots of buttons; it makes them feel important.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Communication Men People Things

Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

Money Murphy’s Laws Science/Weather Things

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.

Autos Husbands Marriage Wives

My hotel room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Things

I spent all my money on a FAX machine; now I can only FAX collect.

Money Things

The road to hell is paved with adverbs.

(1947 – ) novelist, screenwriter
Communication Language Reading/Writing Things

Boomerangs: They're making a comeback!

Headlines Things

I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Communication Language Things

What are imitation rhinestones?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

In any household, junk accumulates to fill the space available for its storage.

Murphy’s Laws Things