Subject: Things

I bought a real expensive water filter, but it works too good; I just get hydrogen.

American comedian & actor
Situations Things

I had a friend who was a clown and when he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Death Friends People Things

Crowded lifts (elevators) smell different to people with restricted growth.

Characteristics Murphy’s Laws Things

Flashlight: A case for storing dead batteries.

Definitions Things

People will accept the fact that a person can be an alcoholic, a dope fiend, a wife beater and even a newspaperman, but if a man doesn't drive, there's something wrong with him.

(1925 – 2007) humorist & columnist
Autos Driving Things

How come irons have a setting for “permanent” press?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

When buying a used car, punch the buttons on the radio; if all the stations are rock ‘n’ roll, there’s a good chance the transmission is shot.

(1940 – ) American radio disc jockey
Autos Entertainment Music Things

Any object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a larger object.

Murphy’s Laws Things

A Canadian is someone who knows how to make love in a canoe.

(1920 – 2004) Canadian author, television personality & journalist
People Places Sex Things

Things hate people.

Murphy’s Laws People Things

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

Autos Intelligence Stupidity Things

Science has always been too dignified to invent a good backscratcher.

(1878 – 1937) humorist, journalist & author
Science/Weather Things

You might be a redneck if… your daughter's Barbie Dream House has a clothesline in the front yard.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
People Rednecks Things

Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they always point upwards from the floor… especially in the dark.

Accidents Murphy’s Laws Situations Things

Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one instruction — from which, by induction, one can deduce that every program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work.

Computers Murphy’s Laws Science/Weather Things

A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention, with the possible exceptions of handguns and Tequila.

journalist, media executive & entrepreneur
Computers Mistakes Problems Things

Clothes Dryer: An appliance designed to eat socks.

Definitions Things

I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Autos Things

I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the ‘brella’, but he hesitated.

comedian
Things

When I was a child my father attacked me with cameras; I still have flashbacks.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language Things

You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape; if it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40, if it moves and shouldn’t, use the tape.

Things