Subject: Things

A car is useless in New York, essential everywhere else; the same with good manners.

(1913 – 1983) journalist & author
Autos New York City Places Things

There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is attracted to dark objects.

Murphy’s Laws Things

I bought a new Japanese car, I turned on the radio… I don’t understand a word they’re saying.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Autos Places Things

The driver behind you wants to go five miles per hour faster.

Autos Driving Murphy’s Laws Things

I don’t have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

Sinker: Lead weight attached to the end of a length of fishing line to facilitate the speedy disposal of unwanted lures.

Activities Definitions Things

I got a new diaphragm… well, it's new to me.

Canadian-American comedian & writer
Things

Clothes Dryer: An appliance designed to eat socks.

Definitions Things

There's only two kinds of people in the world that own scales: people who think they're fat and drug dealers.

American-Mexican stand-up comedian & actress
Things

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you’re providing support for a lifetime.


Computers Sex Things

Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner of the workshop.

Murphy’s Laws Places Things

I called the hotel operator and she said, “How can I direct your call?” I said, “Well, you could say ‘Action!', and I’ll begin to dial. And when I say ‘Goodbye’, then you can yell ‘Cut!'”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Things

Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
People Situations Things

User-Friendly: Of or pertaining to any feature, device or concept that makes perfect sense to its programmer.

Computers Definitions Things

I like going to the park and watching the children run and jump around, because you see, they don't know I'm using blanks.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Arms Children People Things

The bathtub was invented in 1850 and the telephone in 1875 … In other words, if you had been living in 1850, you could have sat in the bathtub for 25 years without having to answer the phone.

(1902 – 1982) American professional baseball executive & club owner
Miscellaneous Things

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Autos People Places

The difference between a child’s toy and an adult toy is: location, location, location.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Sex Things

Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't.

Murphy’s Laws Shopping Things

Don’t force it; get a larger hammer.

Murphy’s Laws Things

You might be a redneck if… you keep a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can reach your kids in the back seat of the car.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Autos Children People