Subject: Things

There are two distinctive classes of people today, those who have personal computers, and those who have several thousand extra dollars apiece.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Computers Money People Things

Bachelor's degrees make pretty good placemats if you get 'em laminated.

(1980 – ) cartoonist
Education School Things

The road to hell is paved with adverbs.

(1947 – ) novelist, screenwriter
Communication Language Reading/Writing Things

I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.

(1917 – 2016) Hungarian-born American actress
Men People Things

If you can’t navigate a one-level, five-item phone tree, you didn’t need a computer anyway.

Computers Murphy’s Laws Things

Only at the start/re-start of a DIY job do you realise the need to return to your toolbox/shed to retrieve another tool.

Murphy’s Laws Things Time

I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Things

Pumpkins are the only living organisms with triangle eyes.

(1962 – ) Canadian-American actor, comedian, author & radio personality
Things

Umbrella: A shelter for one and a shower for two.

Definitions Things

Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic.

1867 – 1931) English novelist
America Autos People Places

Last week the candle factory burned down… everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Things Work

Piano: A parlor utensil for subduing the impertinent visitor. It is operated by depressing the keys of the machine and the spirits of the audience.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Definitions Entertainment Music Things

Do you think shaving cream really softens your beard… or is it just so you don't lose your place?

comedian
Things

Last week I bought a new phone; I took it out of the box, hooked it up to the wall… pressed redial… the phone had a nervous breakdown.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

You might be a redneck if… your the tail light covers of your car are made of red tape.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Autos People Rednecks Things

I'm the only person I know of who's ever been pulled over for attempted speeding.

(1959 – ) American comedian
Autos Things

Telephone: An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Communication Definitions Things

The Baltimore Colts are a bright young team; it seems as if they have their future ahead of them.

(1919 – 2006) American sports announcer
Future Misspokements Sports Things

I think the worst thing about driving a time machine is your kids are always in the back moaning, ‘Are we then yet?’

(1987 – ) British comedian
Things Wordplay

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

(1951 – 2014) comedian & actor
Autos Things

Any object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a larger object.

Murphy’s Laws Things