Subject: Miscellaneous

She could eat watermelon through a chicken wire fence.

Peep of day

I wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire.

The next time you go to the doctor, go ahead and bring in a stool sample – they might need it; better go ahead and bring some for the dentist too.

I’m not sure I want to get the nickname “The Love Machine,” because how does that affect my nickname now, which is “The Lawn-Cutting Machine?”

Peter Marshall: Dale Evans recently revealed the three secrets behind her happy marriage with Roy Rogers. Now listen carefully… "We work together, we pray together and we're darn good…" What?

Paul Lynde: In the saddle.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

She looks like she was rode hard and put up wet.

I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver, and since he is so busy, you’d probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him.

Dumber than a box full of owl shit.

He looks like the dog's been keepin' him under the porch.

If I ever get burned beyond recognition, and you can’t decide if it’s me or not, just put my funny fisherman’s hat on my head. “See, it’s me!”

You don’t know shit from apple butter!

Everybody’s in the same pew

Some circumstantial evidence is very strong, as when you find a trout in the milk.

(1817 – 1862) American author, poet, philosopher,, naturalist & historian

Congratulations On Your Latest Production. Am Sure It Will Look Better After It’s Been Cut.

(1892 – 1964) singer, dancer, comedian, actor & songwriter

Sittin’ in the catbird seat

I am ashamed of confessing that I have nothing to confess.


When Gary told me he had found Jesus, I thought, Ya-hoo! We’re rich! But it turned out to be something different.

Whoever gossips to you will gossip about you.

Poor as gully dirt

He has more information than a Sears Roebuck catalog.