Subject: Miscellaneous

He wouldn't go to a funeral unless he could be the corpse.

Miscellaneous

When I think of some of the things that have been done in the name of science, I have to cringe… no, wait, not science, vandalism; and not cringe, laugh.

Miscellaneous

One bad thing about Lassie, she was always warning you about something; let me be surprised for a change.

Miscellaneous

I now know I’m psychic, because every time I go see a fortune teller, I know everything she says will be absolute bullshit ahead of time.

Miscellaneous Occupations

He's as happy as if he had good sense.

Miscellaneous

Couldn't hit her in the butt with a red apple.

Miscellaneous

If wishes were horses, some folks would need a lot of hay.

Miscellaneous

Eddie: Mother, are you still on the computer?

Gran: Yes, dear. Sometimes you get into a porn loop and just can’t get out.

(1925 – ) English actress
Miscellaneous

If you want to be the most popular person in your class, whenever the professor pauses in his lecture, just let out a big snort and say “How do you figger that!” real loud. Then lean back and sort of smirk.

Miscellaneous

Granny Scrooch

Miscellaneous

If Alien was my friend, I'd like to be with him when he went to the dentist. When they started drilling, he'd probably go nuts and start eating everybody. That Alien!

Miscellaneous

The best way to behave is to misbehave.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Miscellaneous

You learn more character on the two-yard line than anywhere else in life.

American football player, coach & administrator
Miscellaneous

She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger

Miscellaneous

In the marble orchard.

Miscellaneous

So tight you can hear him squeak when he walks

Miscellaneous

Don’t insult the alligator till you’ve crossed the stream.

Miscellaneous

He’s steal a chaw of tobacco out of your mouth if you yawned.

Miscellaneous

I’m a psychic amnesiac… I know in advance what I’ll forget.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Miscellaneous

You might think that the favorite plant of the porcupine is the cactus, but it’s thinking like that that has almost ruined this country.

Miscellaneous

Instead of mousetraps, what about baby traps? Not to harm the babies, but just to hold them down until they can be removed.

Miscellaneous