Subject: Miscellaneous

My grandfather invented the cold air balloon… but it never really took off.

(1964 – ) English comedian
Miscellaneous Wordplay

Slow as pond water.

Miscellaneous

This bloke said to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar;’ I said: ‘Is that a fret?’

(1967 – ) English actor, writer & comedian
Miscellaneous Wordplay

This mall Santa seems insulted that I put down that protective paper before sitting on his lap.

(1963 – ) television host & comedian
Miscellaneous

Never hit a baby… even if they start it.

Canadian-American comedian & writer
Miscellaneous

Squirrel Seeks Chipmunk: A Modest Bestiary

(1956 – ) American humorist, comedian & author
Miscellaneous

The eleventh commandment; “Thou shalt not be found out,” is the only one that is virtually impossible to keep these days.

Miscellaneous

That gumbo will make a Chihuahua break a chain.

Miscellaneous

As tired as a whore on nickel night.

Miscellaneous

I've Never Gone to Bed with an Ugly Woman

Miscellaneous

Dead as 4 o’clock

Miscellaneous

Let your vittles shut your mouth.

Miscellaneous

I had a survey done on my house; eight out of 10 people said they really rather liked it.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Miscellaneous

That's so good it would make a puppy pull a freight train.

Miscellaneous

In school they told me “Practice makes perfect.” … and then they told me “Nobody’s perfect,” so then I stopped practicing.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Miscellaneous

Children need encouragement: if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.

Miscellaneous

Where are all the Sour Patch parents?

American comedian
Miscellaneous

He’s shorter than a mouse hole.

Miscellaneous

To put the spit on the apple.

Miscellaneous

The worst misfortune that can happen to an ordinary man is to have an extraordinary father.

Miscellaneous

He bought a pig in a poke.

Miscellaneous