Subject: Miscellaneous

She could eat watermelon through a chicken wire fence.

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Peep of day

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I wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire.

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The next time you go to the doctor, go ahead and bring in a stool sample – they might need it; better go ahead and bring some for the dentist too.

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I’m not sure I want to get the nickname “The Love Machine,” because how does that affect my nickname now, which is “The Lawn-Cutting Machine?”

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Peter Marshall: Dale Evans recently revealed the three secrets behind her happy marriage with Roy Rogers. Now listen carefully… "We work together, we pray together and we're darn good…" What?

Paul Lynde: In the saddle.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor
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She looks like she was rode hard and put up wet.

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I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver, and since he is so busy, you’d probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him.

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Dumber than a box full of owl shit.

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He looks like the dog's been keepin' him under the porch.

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If I ever get burned beyond recognition, and you can’t decide if it’s me or not, just put my funny fisherman’s hat on my head. “See, it’s me!”

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You don’t know shit from apple butter!

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Everybody’s in the same pew

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Some circumstantial evidence is very strong, as when you find a trout in the milk.

(1817 – 1862) American author, poet, philosopher,, naturalist & historian
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Congratulations On Your Latest Production. Am Sure It Will Look Better After It’s Been Cut.

(1892 – 1964) singer, dancer, comedian, actor & songwriter
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Sittin’ in the catbird seat

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I am ashamed of confessing that I have nothing to confess.


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When Gary told me he had found Jesus, I thought, Ya-hoo! We’re rich! But it turned out to be something different.

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Whoever gossips to you will gossip about you.

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Poor as gully dirt

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He has more information than a Sears Roebuck catalog.

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