Random One-Liners

The first 90 percent of the task takes 90 percent of the time. The last 10 percent takes the other 90 percent.

Murphy’s Laws Time

A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.

Military Murphy’s Laws

My ex and I were in an open relationship; well, I called it an open relationship… he called it cheating.

American-born English comedian
Relationships

I belong to the Straight Talking American Government Party, or STAG Party for short.

(1927 – 1997) Am. comedian & satirist notable for mock presidential campaign
Government Politics

If you hate gay marriage, then don't marry a gay person.

(1977 – ) Australian comedian
Marriage People

My love life is like a fairy tale – it's grim.

(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian
Emotions Love Sex Situations

Electrocution: Burning at the stake with all modern improvements.

Death Definitions

Meaner than a stripe-ed snake

Miscellaneous

If my dead father was alive to hear that, it would kill him.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Death Family Fathers Misspokements Situations Travel

The goal is too small and the goalies are too big.

Canadian hockey coach
Hockey Sports

God is good, but never dance in a small boat.

Dance God Proverbs Things

He can do it the hard way, get beat up for 12 rounds and end up in the hospital. Or, he can do it the easy way, get hit on the chin and go to sleep.

American boxer
Boxing Sports

Contract: An agreement that is binding only on the weaker party.

(1822 – 1891) U.S. senator (South Carolina)
Government Law

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot… but I always found them.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Parents Places

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Democracy Government Individuals President

There are two types of actors: those who say they want to be famous and those who are liars.

(1958 – ) American film & theater actor
Characteristics Honesty Success

When in doubt, predict that the present trend will continue.

Murphy’s Laws

Careful planning has no affect on either Part 1 or Part 2.

Murphy’s Laws

Mess with

Miscellaneous

Aardvark: In the beginning was the word. And the word was ‘Aardvark.’

Communication Definitions Language

Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is knowing not to use it in a fruit salad.

Intelligence