Random One-Liners

I always take blushing either for a sign of guilt, or of ill breeding.

(1670 – 1729) English playwright & poet

Income: The sum of money which it costs more than to live.

Beware the smile of a waiter… it means he's pissed in your soup.

(1967 – ) English comedian

I am a man of fixed and unbending principles, the first of which is to be flexible at all times.

(1896 – 1969) American congressman & senator (Illinois)

The hidden flaw never remains hidden.

Here's to our wives and sweethearts – may they never meet.

(1863 – 1915) American actor

If you are going to tell people the truth, be funny or they will kill you.

(1906 – 2002) Austrian journalist, filmmaker, screenwriter & producer

Peter Marshall: According to Movie Life magazine, Ann-Margaret would like to start having babies soon, but her husband wants her to wait a while. Why?

Paul Lynde: He’s out of town.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

New Chief Medical Officer Angelia M. Elgin First African American Woman in History

A Sunday school is a prison in which children do penance for the evil conscience of their parents.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

You don’t know what pressure is until you play for five bucks with only two in your pocket.

(1942 – ) American professional golfer

I hate when people stop you on the street and try to get you to join their cause; I’ve got things to do! Find your own missing kid.

American comedian

I've never been an intellectual, but I have this look.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I don’t like to look back in retrospect.

professional football player

An apple every eight hours keeps three doctors away.

Journalism is the ability to meet the challenge of filling space.

(1892 – 1983) British author, journalist, literary critic & travel writer

When a feller says, ‘It hain’t the money, but the principle o’ th’ thing’, it’s the money.

(1856 – 1915) writer, publisher, artist & philosopher

She could ruin a two-car funeral.

The mightiest of weapons is truth…. and everyone knows you're not permitted to bring a weapon into a government building.


There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.

You’re a disgrace to depression.

(1937 – ) American actor