Author: Yakov Smirnoff

We have no gay people in Russia; there are homosexuals but they are not allowed to be gay about it.

(1951 – ) Soviet-American comedian
Places

In Russia we only had two TV channels: Channel One was propaganda, Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you: “Turn back at once to Channel One.”

(1951 – ) Soviet-American comedian
Entertainment Places Television

Part-Time Woman Wanted: What a country… even transvestites can get work.

(1951 – ) Soviet-American comedian
America Places

In every country, they make fun of city; in U.S. you make fun of Cleveland; in Russia, we make fun of Cleveland.

(1951 – ) Soviet-American comedian
Places

In America, you watch Big Brother; in Soviet Russia, Big Brother watches you!

(1951 – ) Soviet-American comedian
America Places

I like parades without missiles in them; I'll take Bullwinkle to a tank any day.

(1951 – ) Soviet-American comedian
Activities

I like American women; they do things sexually Russian girls never dream of doing… like showering.

(1951 – ) Soviet-American comedian
Activities Places Sex

In America, your work determines your marks; in Soviet Russia, Marx determines your work!

(1951 – ) Soviet-American comedian
America Places

The first time I went to a restaurant, they asked me: “How many in your party?” and I said “Six hundred million.”

(1951 – ) Soviet-American comedian
Government Situations

I enjoy being in America: it's fun, you know, because you have, you have so many things we never had in Russia — like warning shots.

(1951 – ) Soviet-American comedian
America Places

Powdered milk, powdered eggs, baby powder… what a country!

(1951 – ) Soviet-American comedian
America Places

In America, you assassinate presidents; in Soviet Russia, presidents assassinate you!

(1951 – ) Soviet-American comedian
Places

I go to New York and I saw a big sign saying “America Loves Smirnoff” and I said to myself, what a country!

(1951 – ) Soviet-American comedian
America New York City Places Self

In America you can always find a party; in Russia the party always finds you.

(1951 – ) Soviet-American comedian
America Places Wordplay

Of course… once.

(1951 – ) Soviet-American comedian
Places

Homosexuality in Russia is a crime and the punishment is seven years in prison, locked up with the other men… there is a three year waiting list.

(1951 – ) Soviet-American comedian
Places