Random One-Liners

She was never really charming until she died.

(195/185–159 BC) playwright of the Roman Republic
Insults

They say they have picked Justin Fortune because he's the same height as Mike Tyson… so is my wife.

English boxing manager & promoter
Boxing Sports

Long engagements give people the opportunity of finding out each other's character before marriage, which is never advisable.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet
Characteristics Marriage

Our ship was caught in a typhoid.

Malaprops

I take my wife everywhere… but she keeps finding her way back.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Marriage Places Wives

A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink

Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Sausages

Miscellaneous

Teacher: A person who swore she would starve before teaching, and who has been doing both ever since.

Definitions Education

Let the kids pay it – they still owe us rent and gas money.

(1927 – 1997) Am. comedian & satirist notable for mock presidential campaign
Children Government Money

You might be a redneck if… you've ever cut your grass and found a car.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Activities Autos People Rednecks

Ecstasy: Happiness with its clothes off.

Definitions Emotions Happiness Sex

Bad law is more likely to be supplemented than repealed.

Government Murphy’s Laws

Confucius say… knowledge was never known to enter the head via an open mouth.

Confucius say

The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well.

People

Peter Marshall: What is the name of the instrument with the light on the end, that the doctor sticks in your ear?

Paul Lynde: Oh, a cigarette.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor
Hollywood Squares

Think of it as a carefully constructed entertainment for the benefit of people who really, really like beer commercials.

(1962 – ) British journalist & film critic
Reviews/Criticism

Pop up your hand if you like participating in market research.


Beliefs Opinion

A simple story, however inaccurate or misleading, is preferred to a complicated explanation, however true.

Communication Murphy’s Laws

German in the most extravagantly ugly language – it sounds like someone using a sick bag on a 747.

(1937 – 1996) English cartoonist, satirist, comedian & actor
Communication Insults Language

Collection: A church function in which many take but a passing interest.

Definitions

At last I get top billing.

Epitaphs