Random One-Liners

You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.

Miscellaneous

I got food poisoning today… I don’t know when I’ll use it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Food/Drink Health

Group sex… are you kidding, I had group sex… my wife screwed me in front of the jury.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Divorce Marriage Sex Wives

Tom Bergeron: Martha Stewart once said that there’s nothing more delicious than one of these. What?

Bruce Vilanch: A good spanking!

(1948 – ) American comedy writer, songwriter & actor
Hollywood Squares

You may be a redneck if you have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Autos Education Money People

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
People Sex

Nanotechnology is big right now.

Oxymorons

I’m not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change.

British born Chinese professional poker player & comedian
Communication Wordplay

Dropped the heavy lid of the terlet right on my instoop.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Malaprops

California Seeks 13,000 Sex Offenders

Headlines

Confucius say… man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Confucius say

There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it.

(1856 – 1950) Irish playwright & socialist
Death

Dieting: The triumph of mind over platter.

Definitions

Chatterbox: Another name for a telephone booth.

Definitions Things

I am determined that my children shall be brought up in their father’s religion, if they can find out what it is.

(1775 – 1834) English critic & essayist
Beliefs Children Family Fathers Religion

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one, so, I got a cake.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink Things

So the rule is, if you screw up just one too many job interviews, you become a stand-up comedian.

(1970 – ) American comedian & television game show host
Occupations Work

Brains, you know, are suspect in the Republican Party.

(1889 – 1974) American intellectual, writer, reporter & political commentator
Government Intelligence Politicians

What, I’m gonna work all year so I can go out and pretend I’m homeless?

Activities

My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.

(1953 – ) comedian & actor
Men Mothers People

While the difficulties and dangers of problems tend to increase at a geometric rate, the knowledge and manpower qualified to deal with these problems tend to increase linearly.

Murphy’s Laws Problems Science/Weather