Random One-Liners

Mr. Schuster: I didn’t know Orientals had a sense of humor.

Yemana: Are you kidding? We invented gunpowder.

(1917 – 1979) Japanese-American actor
TV/Movie Quotes

Tell her I ain’t crawlin’ home to her with my tail between her legs.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Malaprops

Like something you'd see if the NRA had its own music-video channel.

(1959 – ) American film critic
Reviews/Criticism

Confucius say… Rudolph was grounded after his dad saw his report card because he went down in history.

Confucius say

She's got tongue enough for 10 rows of teeth.

Miscellaneous

Confucius say… sex is like vacation… it never lasts long enough.

Confucius say

You’re trying to give him goremets dinners.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Food/Drink Malaprops

And so the fact that they purchased the machine meant somebody had to make the machine; and when somebody makes a machine, it means there's jobs at the machine-making place.

(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president
Bushisms

So ugly the tide wouldn’t take her out.

Miscellaneous

People who live in glass houses should masturbate in the basement.

(1972 – ) Irish comedian & television presenter
Sex Situations

The death angel struck Alexander McGlue and gave him protracted repose; he wore a checked shirt and a No. 9 shoe And had a pink wart on his nose. No doubt he is happy a-dwelling in space over on the evergreen shore. His friends are informed that his funeral takes place at precisely a quarter past four.

Epitaphs

Studies have shown that an ant can carry one hundred times its own weight, but there is no known limit to the lifting power of the average tiny eighty-year-old Spanish peasant grandmother.

(1948 – ) English novelist
Characteristics

Hornets Will Accent Throwing Game In '81

Headlines

It is a secret in the Oxford sense; you may tell it to only one person at a time.

(1905 – 1992) English civil servant & philosopher
Beliefs

I'm tired of fighting! I guess this thing is going to get me.

born Erik Weisz (1874 – 1926) Hungarian-born American magician, stunt performer & escape artist
Last words

Confucius say… many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Confucius say

If you was eavesdripping, that there is a very defensive thing to do.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Malaprops TV/Movie Quotes

No other country would use their technology to invent a fat substitute that when you put it on potato chips causes involuntary loose stools.

(1961 – ) comedian, writer, radio & television personality & blogger
Places

Like a blind man at an orgy, I was going to have to feel my way through.

(1926 – 2010) Canadian actor
Situations TV/Movie Quotes

Isn't it great to live in a society where the penalty for lying to a congressman can be up to 30 years in jail, but the penalty for a congressman lying to you is another two years in office.

(1955 – ) American sportswriter
Beliefs Congress Golf Government Honesty Law Lies

Learn the living from the dead, how easy breaks life's tender thread

Epitaphs