Random One-Liners

George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill: Am reserving two tickets for you for my premiere. Come and bring a friend – if you have one.

Churchill’s reply: Impossible to be present for the first performance; will attend second – if there is one.

(1874 – 1965) British prime minister, politician, statesman & orator
Entertainment Insults People

City May Impose Mandatory Time For Prostitution

Headlines

Confucius say… finding old man in dark, not hard.

Confucius say

Oh you arch-ass – you double-barrelled ass!

(1770 – 1827) German composer & pianist
Insults

I’m not really the heroic type. I was beat up by Quakers.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
TV/Movie Quotes

We stayed with my in-laws, which on life's list of experiences ranks right below sitting in a tub full of scissors.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Relationships Situations

The only difference between this and Custer's last stand was Custer didn't have to look at the tape afterwards.

Canadian hockey player & broadcaster
Hockey Sports

I love his work but I couldn't warm to him even if I was cremated next to him.

(1943 – ) English musician, songwriter & member of the Rolling Stones
Insults

Politicians are wedded to the truth, but like many other married couples they sometimes live apart.

(1870 – 1916) British writer
Government Politicians Truth

And there goes Juantorina down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class.

BBC commentator
Misspokements Sports

Those who agree with us may not be right, but we admire their astuteness.

(1923 – ) American quote & quip writer
Intelligence People

Dr Ray Stantz: Hey… Where these stairs go?

Dr. Peter Venkman: They go up!

(1950 – ) American actor & comedian
TV/Movie Quotes

Frankly, I’m suspicious of anyone who has a strong opinion on a complicated issue.

(1957 – ) cartoonist (Dilbert)
Beliefs Opinion

Republicans elect stupid leaders with brilliant staffs and Democrats produce brilliant presidents with stupid staffs.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Government Politicians President

We didn't plan to take 'em to raise.

Miscellaneous

Crooked as a cork screw.

Miscellaneous

You can’t make a souffle rise twice.

(1884 – 1980) author & wit
Miscellaneous

Here lies Sissie Chang – Fumbled a grenade, went out with a bang

Epitaphs

Well, now I must go to meet God and try to explain all those men I killed at Alamein.

(1887 – 1976) British Army officer
Last words

If a comic tells a joke, and no one is there to hear it, is Nick DiPaolo on stage?

(1972 – ) stand-up comedian & actor
Insults

I want to thank General John Fryer, the Superintendent of Schools here. I thought it was pretty interesting, when I was reading the background of the schools here, I see that you got you a general running the school system.

(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president
Bushisms