Random One-Liners

Mars is essentially in the same orbit… Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important.

(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president

Cute as a sack full of puppies.

Let’s get down to brass tax.

I think college administrators should encourage students to urinate on walls and bushes, because then when students from another college come sniffing around, they’ll know this is someone else’s territory.

A stadium with the lights out.

American baseball pitcher

A musical is a series of catastrophes ending with a floor show.

(1906 – 1972) pianist, composer, author, comedian & actor

Every closed eye is not sleeping, and every open eye is not seeing.

(1937 – ) comedian & television actor

I want to thank you for strategizing our discussions.

(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president

The candle is still very much in the melting pot.

Scottish soccer player & analyst

Looting: A public shopping spree generously sponsored by local merchants in the wake of a riot.

(1950 – ) American author, satirist, webmaster & copywriter

Bill Would Make it Illegal to Break Rules

Welcome to our home; and as youse people say "shaboom."

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)

If you want to find guys with small penises, go to the Hummer dealership.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian, television writer/producer & radio host

There's no such thing as legacies…. at least, there is a legacy, but I'll never see it.

(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president

Potato, Dancing Raisins Cut a Deal

It is a truth universally acknowledge, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.

(1775 – 1817) English novelist

Severed Hand Saved By Peas

If most people said what’s on their minds, they’d be speechless.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine

Not to put her up on a limestone, but my sister is really terrific.

To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say well done; and to the C students, I say, you too can be the President of the United States.

(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me and he said I was being ridiculous… everyone hasn’t met me yet.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor