Random One-Liners

Comparing information and knowledge is like asking whether the fatness of a pig is more or less green than the designated hitter rule.

(1948 – ) American writer & mathematician
Education Intelligence

Some of our folks went to Washington to drain the swamp and made partnership with the alligators instead.

U.S. Senator (1942 – 2015) U.S. senator (Tennessee) & actor
Government

Some folks say it was a miracle. St. Francis suddenly appeared and knocked the next pitch clean over the fence. Other folks say it was just a lucky swing.

Miscellaneous

You want to know how I think art should be taught to children? … Take them to a museum and say, “This is art, and you can’t do it.”

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
Art Entertainment

I was not a particularly small child; I was the one who always got picked to play Bethlehem in the school play.

(1957 – ) British stand-up comedian
Age Appearance Fat Self

Aren’t I lucky, to have survived so much bad luck.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist
Characteristics Life

The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Communication Computers Science/Weather Things

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Animals Proverbs

You look the south end of a north bound cow.

Miscellaneous

German Army Is Told To Let Women Fight

Headlines

If they cut my bald head open, they will find one big boxing glove. That's all I am.

American boxing champion
Boxing Self Sports

Your mother's down there throwing a monkey wrench into the halls of justice.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Malaprops

The British tourist is always happy abroad as long as the natives are waiters.

(1908 – 1992) English actor
Food/Drink Places

Love letters, business contracts and money due you always arrive three weeks late, whereas junk mail arrives the day it was sent.

Murphy’s Laws Time

People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.

(1955 – ) cartoonist (Calvin and Hobbes)
Fools Intelligence People

Opportunity only knocks once, but temptation leans on the doorbell.

(1949 – ) English-born Australian musician, writer, actor, composer & record producer
Situations

You might be a redneck if… you believe that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Food/Drink People Rednecks

Eighty is a wonderful age… especially if you’re ninety.

(1900 – 1973) American journalist & editor
Age Old

He's trying to gain a foothold in the public eye.

Mixed metaphors

As far as I'm concerned, "whom" is a word that was invented to make everyone sound like a butler.

(1935 – ) columnist, journalist & novelist
Communication

We will move forward, we will move upward, and yes, we will move onward.

(1947 – ) U.S. vice president & politician
Misspokements