Random One-Liners

I’m on it like cheese on grits!

Miscellaneous

The trouble is not that players have sex the night before a game, it’s that they stay out all night looking for it.

(1890 – 1975) American baseball manager
Baseball Sex Sports

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations

You can grow as much corn on a crooked row as on a straight one.

(1926 – 1998) American country comedian
Proverbs

I used to work at a health food store; I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Food/Drink Health

There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don’t want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea.

Food/Drink

I’m so mad I could eat barbed wire and spit nails.

Miscellaneous

The chief distinction of a diplomat is that he can say no in such a way that it sounds like yes.

(1897 – 1972) Canadian prime minister
Government Occupations Work

Confucius say… man with no legs bums around.

Confucius say

You know that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery, are now extinct.

(1874 – 1965) English dramatist & novelist
Marriage Sex

I've sallyjacked the potato salad.

Miscellaneous

Schumacher has made his final stop three times.

(1923 – ) English motorsport commentator
Auto racing Misspokements Sports

I intend to open this country up to democracy, and anyone who is against that, I will jail.

(1918 – 1999) Brazilian military leader & politician
Democracy Government Misspokements

Empty vessels make most noise.

Fools Intelligence

Beauty is only skin deep, and the world is full of thin skinned people.

(1906 – 1989) American poet & author
Appearance

Cloud: What’s in front of every silver lining.

Definitions

Masturbation is the thinking man’s television.

(1946 – ) British playwright, screen writer & film director
Sex

I will have a foreign-handed foreign policy.

(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president
Bushisms

In theory there is no difference between theory and practice, but in practice there is.

(1925 – 2015) baseball player, coach & manager
Yogi-isms

All of a sudden he’s hurt and I’ve got to get the popcorn out of my teeth.

American hockey player
Hockey Sports

I was sorry to have my name mentioned as one of the great authors, because they have a sad habit of dying off.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
People Self Success