Random One-Liners

You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.

I got food poisoning today… I don’t know when I’ll use it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Group sex… are you kidding, I had group sex… my wife screwed me in front of the jury.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Tom Bergeron: Martha Stewart once said that there’s nothing more delicious than one of these. What?

Bruce Vilanch: A good spanking!

(1948 – ) American comedy writer, songwriter & actor

You may be a redneck if you have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol

Nanotechnology is big right now.

I’m not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change.

British born Chinese professional poker player & comedian

Dropped the heavy lid of the terlet right on my instoop.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)

California Seeks 13,000 Sex Offenders

Confucius say… man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it.

(1856 – 1950) Irish playwright & socialist

Dieting: The triumph of mind over platter.

Chatterbox: Another name for a telephone booth.

I am determined that my children shall be brought up in their father’s religion, if they can find out what it is.

(1775 – 1834) English critic & essayist

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one, so, I got a cake.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

So the rule is, if you screw up just one too many job interviews, you become a stand-up comedian.

(1970 – ) American comedian & television game show host

Brains, you know, are suspect in the Republican Party.

(1889 – 1974) American intellectual, writer, reporter & political commentator

What, I’m gonna work all year so I can go out and pretend I’m homeless?

My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.

(1953 – ) comedian & actor

While the difficulties and dangers of problems tend to increase at a geometric rate, the knowledge and manpower qualified to deal with these problems tend to increase linearly.