Random One-Liners

Half-Million Italian Women Seen On Pill

Headlines

He couldn’t spell cat if you spotted him the C and the T.


Football Intelligence Sports

This sign says “IMPROV,” but I had a bad set on Friday night, so yesterday they put an “E” on the end of it.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Communication Language

Why was I with her? … she reminds me of you… in fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

I wish a robot would get elected president; that way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

Miscellaneous

Beware of the half truth… you may have gotten hold of the wrong half.

Beliefs Honesty Truth

Actress Mary Anderson: Mr. Hitchcock, what do you think is my best side?
Hitchcock: My dear, you're sitting on it.

(1899 – 1980) English filmmaker & producer
Appearance Insults

A "good" family, it seems, is one that used to be better.

(1917 – 1998) author, critic, animal rights activist
Family Relationships

Police Found Safe Under Bed

Headlines

Forward retreat

Oxymorons

I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Marriage Wives

Man Eating Piranha Mistakenly Sold As Pet Fish

Headlines

The first time you buy a house you think how pretty it is and sign the check… the second time you look to see if the basement has termites; it's the same with men.

(1908 – 1944) Mexican actress
Men Relationships

He would stab his best friend for the sake of writing an epigram on his tombstone.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet
Insults Reading/Writing

Where else but in America could the women's liberation movement take off their bras, then go on TV to complain about their lack of support?

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
America Places

Reporter: Who do you think is the number one player of all time?

Logan: I’d have to go with the immoral Babe Ruth.

professional baseball player
Baseball Misspokements Sports

Stand pappy

Miscellaneous

If I felt guilty I’d call this a guilty pleasure but since I don’t I’ll just call it trash I enjoy. So if you decide to go don't complain to me that the film was crap. I warned you.

film critic
Reviews/Criticism

Masked Man On Horse Offered Drugs To Garda

Headlines

They cut into a water main, and it was gushing like a mountain.

Mixed metaphors

There are two reasons why I’m in show business, and I’m standing on both of them.

(1916 – 1973) American actress, dancer, singer & pin-up girl
Appearance Body Entertainment