Random One-Liners

A woman’s always younger than a man at equal years.

(1806 – 1861) English poet
Age Men People Women

My wife told me today that I'm gonna become a father for the very first time; the bad news is – we already have two kids.

comedian
Children Marriage Wives

I want to reach your mind – where is it currently located?

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist
Insults

Life was a funny thing that happened to me on the way to the grave.

(1908 – 1999) English writer
Death Life

Crooked as a dog's hind leg.

Miscellaneous

He once had a unbiblical hernia.

Health Malaprops

Dirty Love wasn't written and directed, it was committed. Here is a film so pitiful, it doesn't rise to the level of badness.

(1942 – 2013) American film critic, journalist & screenwriter
Reviews/Criticism

Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse… but enough about Kanye West.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
People Reviews/Criticism

The only good thing about playing for Cleveland is you don't have to make road trips there.

American baseball player
Baseball Places Sports

I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Beliefs

Oppose: To assist with obstructions and objections.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Communication Definitions Language

I was just a little bit exstartled about being called out of the ordinary.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Misspokements TV/Movie Quotes

That is to much pumpkin for a nickel.

Miscellaneous

Arson: Fire caused by friction between the insurance policy and the mortgage.

Definitions

He is a shifty-eyed goddamn liar…. he's one of the few in the history of this country to run for high office talking out of both sides of his mouth at the same time and lying out of both sides.

(1884 – 1972) 33rd U.S. president
Characteristics Honesty Insults Lies

I feel about airplanes the way I feel about diets; it seems to me they are wonderful things for other people to go on.

(1922 – 2003) author & playwright
Things

This anecdote you give, how ya supposed to take it?

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Malaprops

You've opened this can of worms, now lie in it.

Mixed metaphors

Journalism consists in buying white paper at two cents a pound and selling it at ten cents a pound.

(1819 – 1897) American journalist, author & senior government official
Communication

Zebra: A horse behind bars.

Animals Definitions

Nixon is finding out there are no tails on an Eisenhower jacket.

(1900 – 1965) diplomat & Democratic politician
Government Politics