Random One-Liners

All Englishmen talk as if they’ve got a bushel of plums stuck in their throats, and then after swallowing them get constipated from the pips.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
England Insults Places Speech

When those stalls open, the horses are literally going to explode.

British horse racing commentator
Misspokements Sports

Well when you go through a briar patch you don’t know which briar scratched you.

Miscellaneous

Athlete Who Cheated Death Dies

Headlines

The only man, woman, or child who ever wrote a simple declarative sentence with seven grammatical errors is dead.

(1894 – 1962) American poet, painter, essayist, author & playwright
Communication Insults Language Reading/Writing

Get a man a beer, he drinks for five minutes – show him where they are, he drinks all day.

(1959 – ) Australian actor
Alcohol Food/Drink TV/Movie Quotes

I’ve now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those L-shaped ones… unfortunately, it’s a lower case l.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Places

I've only ever seen Errol Christie fight once before and that was the best I've ever seen him fight.

British boxer
Boxing Misspokements Sports

Talking to you is like casting pearls into wine.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Malaprops Mixed metaphors

A bird in the hand is dead.

Animals Death Murphy’s Laws

Peter Marshall: A recent navy picture had Admiral Zumwalt kissing Admiral Duirk. Why?

Paul Lynde: Too long at sea!

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor
Hollywood Squares

Rich Folkers is throwing up in the bullpen.

(1924 – 2014) American baseball player & announcer
Baseball Misspokements Sports

We drove a stake in the stand.

Misspokements

Like something you'd see if the NRA had its own music-video channel.

(1959 – ) American film critic
Reviews/Criticism

[while filling out a form] Jim: Eyes…

Elaine Nardo: No, don’t put two.

Jim: Oh, they mean color, don’t they?

(1938 – ) American actor
Appearance TV/Movie Quotes

Life is what happens while you’re busy making other plans.

(1899 – 1986) American writer, journalist & cartoonist
Life

“Sir, the cereal is bland and unfulfilling, what should we name it?” … ”Life.”

American comedian
Food/Drink

Nature played a cruel trick on her by giving her a waxed mustache.

English author, actor, humorist & playwright
Appearance Insults

I'd never buy my girl a watch… she's already got a clock over the stove.

(1963 – ) American professional basketball player & sports personality
Basketball People Relationships Sports Women

Archbishop: An ecclesiastical dignitary one point holier than a bishop.

Definitions Religion

Peter Marshall: Something happened to Marlon Brando in 1955, and afterward he told friends he thought it would happen to Bing Crosby instead. What happened?

Paul Lynde: Oh, one of Bing's sons asked him for money.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor
Hollywood Squares