Random One-Liners

His detractors faulted him for over managing and for giving more signs than the Coast Guard.

baseball writer
Baseball Sports

Bill Gates is a very rich man today… and do you want to know why?… the answer is one word: versions.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Computers Things

Gas Rig Men Grilled By Villagers

Headlines

Beauty’s In The Eye Of The Beer Holder

Miscellaneous

Confucius say… balloon factory will go out of business if it can't keep up with inflation.

Confucius say

I'll bet your father spent the first year of your life throwing rocks at storks.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Insults TV/Movie Quotes

That poor girl… Lurch, was she in there before you baked?

(1940 – 1994) Puerto Rican actor
TV/Movie Quotes

Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.

Definitions Politicians

Python Savages Parrot

Headlines

… baby lying in the bassinoot.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Malaprops

Finance is the art of passing money from hand to hand until it finally disappears.

(1919 – 1997) American businessman
Money

A lot of Thanksgiving days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
Animals Situations

The only thing worse than a man you can't control is a man you can.

(1954 – 2000) humorist, writer & radio commentator
Men Relationships

Undocumented report

Oxymorons

Bore: A person who takes his time taking your time.

Definitions

Snake Throws Master Into Cell

Headlines

I can take any amount of criticism so long as it is unqualified praise.

(1899 – 1973) English playwright, actor, composer, director & songwriter
Communication People Self

In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Marriage Wives

No project was ever completed on time and within budget.

Money Murphy’s Laws Time

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in opposite directions.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Intelligence Life People

Local Man Has Longest Horns in Texas

Headlines