Random One-Liners

I just did some serious cleaning in here; you could totally eat off this table.

Activities

The only way of catching a train I ever discovered is to miss the train before.

(1874 – 1936) English author & mystery novelist
Situations Time

Conservative: A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Beliefs Definitions

Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining profit without individual responsibility.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Communication Definitions Language

We all act as one heartbeat.

Mixed metaphors

He was distinguished for ignorance; for he had only one idea and that was wrong.

(1804 – 1881) British prime minister, politician & author
Ideas Insults Intelligence

His mind is so open – so open that ideas simply pass through it.

(1846 – 1924) British idealist philosopher
Insults Intelligence Mind

Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.

(1813 – 1855) Danish philosopher, theologian, poet, social critic & author
Life

Never again

Oxymorons

A bird in the hand is worth a foot in the tush.

(1971 – ) American actress
Malaprops TV/Movie Quotes

The only way to entertain some folks is to listen to them.

Communication Conversation Entertainment Speech

I'm on the edge of my feet.

(1971 – ) American actress
Malaprops TV/Movie Quotes

It's a good thing Babe Ruth isn't still with the Yankees. If he was, George Steinbrenner would have him bat seventh and say he's overweight.

American baseball player
Baseball Body Fat Sports

God help the man who won’t marry until he finds a perfect woman, and God help him still more if he finds her.

(1860 – 1943) British socialist, union leader & politician
Marriage Wives

I'm single now, and it's really weird for me to be dating again because, for the last three years, I've just been cheating.

American comedian
Dating Divorce Marriage Relationships

I told them sandwiches.

(1949 – ) American boxing champion
Boxing Entertainment Food/Drink Sports Television

It is not necessary to have relatives in Kansas City to be unhappy.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Family Insults Places Relationships

Confucius say …. tight pants like cheap hotel… no ball room.

Confucius say

There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Situations

Unusual routine

Oxymorons

When I was 16 years old, the morning of my birthday, my parents tried to surprise me with a car, but they missed.

American comedian
Family Parents Self Situations