Random One-Liners

The bigger the discovery, the more likely it was made while testing for something else.

Murphy’s Laws

Good Old Days: A block of time which ended a week before you were hired.

Definitions Past Time Work

Caught a guy at the store comparing apples and oranges.

comedian & actor
Situations

Highbrow: One whose learning has outstripped his intelligence.

Definitions

Parenthood: Feeding the mouth that bites you.

Definitions Family Parents Wordplay

I’m English, but I want to let you know that even though I’m English, I’m not here to solve a murder mystery.

comedian
England People Places

Bush Urges Uses of Condoms Based on Uganda Experience

Headlines

Pissin’ in the wind

Miscellaneous

Money will buy a pretty good dog, but it won’t buy the wag of his tail.

(1818 – 1885) humorist
Animals Dogs

My wife and I tried two or three times in the last forty years to have breakfast together, but it was so disagreeable we had to stop.

(1874 – 1965) British prime minister, politician, statesman & orator
Eating Food/Drink Marriage

It‘s my belief we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain.

(1939 – ) comedian, actress, writer & producer
Communication Language

They are like hot air dryers in public lavatories. They are a good idea, but take too long.

(1958 – ) Irish professional golfer & commentator
Golf Sports

Men love war because it allows them to look serious… it is the one thing that stops women laughing at them.

(1926 – 2005) English novelist & essayist
Conflict Emotions Laughter Men People War Women

Big balls count.

Australian runner
Sports

Employees who think they know everything are very irritating to those of us who do.

(1936 – 2005) Irish comedian
People

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Activities Beliefs Games

Altar: To change through marriage.

Definitions Marriage

Confucius say… food that goes rotten while being transported to the store is "un-pallet-able."

Confucius say

A place you want to get to is always just off the edge of the map you happen to have handy.

Murphy’s Laws Things

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

(1893 – 1967) writer, humorist & poet
People Self

Confucius say… balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Confucius say