Subject: Activities » Driving

There is no traffic until you need to make a left turn.

Autos Driving Murphy’s Laws

The last time I drank, I drove into a ditch, which doesn't sound like that big of a deal, but I stopped at the ditch, looked left and right, then drove into the ditch.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Alcohol Autos Driving Situations

I don’t like people who take drugs… customs men for example.

(1950 – ) British comedian
Activities Driving

If you allow someone to get in front of you, you both will have the same destination, and the other car will get the last parking space.

Driving Murphy’s Laws

When you need towns, they are very far apart.

Activities Autos Driving Murphy’s Laws Travel

There are two things no man will admit he cannot do well: drive and make love.

(1929 – ) English race car driver
Autos Driving Men People Sex

Patsy: Well, what am I supposed to do if you die?

Edina: Get cabs!

(1958 – ) English comedian, screenwriter & actress
Driving TV/Movie Quotes

The speed of an oncoming vehicle is directly proportional to the length of the passing zone.

Activities Driving Murphy’s Laws Science/Weather

My wife wants sex in the back of the car… and she wants me to drive.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Autos Driving Sex

My wife had her driver’s test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Activities Autos Driving

I knew these Siamese twins; they moved to England, so the other one could drive.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Driving England Places

I was in my car driving back from work, when a police officer pulled me over and knocked on my window; I said, ‘One minute I’m on the phone.'

(1976 – ) English comedian
Activities Driving Situations

I never smoke grass and drive my car because, for one thing, no matter how many letters I write to the road commissions, they still refuse to start designing highways with second-chance exits.

(1974 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Activities Autos Driving Things

Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average drivers.

Beliefs Driving Murphy’s Laws Opinion People

My wife… a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There are a pair of shoes on the dashboard. they belong to the last guy she hit.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Activities Driving

He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from the next freeway exit.

Driving Murphy’s Laws Travel

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Autos Driving Fools Intelligence Things

I hate when people drive like me.

(1966 – 2011) American stand-up comedian
Autos Driving Situations Things

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Driving Murphy’s Laws

My grandma used to say “Sound your Klaxon when you come around a turn,” and I’d say “Shut your f**king Klaxon I’m driving!” … Oh we had fun.

(1963 – ) American comedian & author
Activities Driving

The only way to make up for being lost is to make record time while you are lost.

Activities Autos Driving Murphy’s Laws