Subject: Activities (Page 18)

Bridge is a friendly game invented by two married couples who disliked each other.

Activities Games

You ever go shopping for a really cute, little, sexy black dress – and you come home with an extra-large pepperoni pizza?


Shopping Situations

Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people “the cops.”

(1965 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
Alcohol Autos Driving Food/Drink Things

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Activities Death

1. The last gas station for 50 miles will be closed when you get there. 2. At the moment of any departure, the level of gas in your tank depends entirely on how late you are. 3. You only run out of gas after your wife tells you to stop for gas before you run out.

Autos Murphy’s Laws Things Travel

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Activities Housework

Some people talk in their sleep; lecturers talk while other people sleep.

(1913 – 1960) French-Algerian author, philosopher & journalist
Communication Situations Sleep Speech

Shopping is probably the most underrated contact sport in the world.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Activities Shopping

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Housework Work

… what is your host’s purpose in having a party; surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose they’d have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.

(1947 – ) author, humorist & satirist
Activities

The average tourist wants to go to places where there are no tourists.

(1920 – 2001) American writer & humorist
People Places Travel

In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you save.

America Murphy’s Laws Shopping

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

Activities Autos Beliefs Problems Proverbs Travel

It's better to go when you have to go – than to go and find you've already gone.

Children Murphy’s Laws Travel

I used to live with five straight guys and – ew, the cleaning schedule was 'nope.'

comedian
Housework Men People

I know that every cigarette I smoke takes five minutes off my life, but it takes ten minutes to smoke it… that’s a five-minute net gain!

(1972 – ) Irish stand-up comedian, voice over artist & actor
Activities

My friend died doing what he loved… heroin.

Canadian-American comedian, writer & columnist
Activities Death Drugs

I find apologizing for not having cleaned is easier than cleaning.

(1975 – ) English comedian
Housework

Exercise is a dirty word; every time I hear it, I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

(1922  – 2000) American cartoonist (Peanuts)
Activities Exercise

One of the worst things that can happen to you in life is to win a bet on a horse at an early age.

American billiards champion & hustler
Activities Sports

Driving a Porsche in London is like bringing a Ming vase to a football game.

(1952 – 2001) English writer, dramatist, & musician
Autos Driving Places