Subject: Activities (Page 2)

If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.

Husbands Murphy’s Laws Shopping Wives

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Activities Death People

I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg… I thought: ‘This could be interesting.’

comedian
Activities Exercise

Giving up smoking is easy… I've done it hundreds of times.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Activities Characteristics

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Autos Driving People Things

Drug: A substance that, when injected into a guinea pig, produces a scientific paper.

Activities Definitions Drugs Science/Weather

Nothing annoys a woman more than to have company drop in unexpectedly and find the house looking as it usually does.

(1902 – 1963) Danish actor
Housework People Situations

I never smoked a cigarette until I was nine.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Activities TV/Movie Quotes

Bargain: anything a customer thinks a store is losing money on.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
Money Shopping

The difference between playing the stock market and the horses is that one of the horses must win.

(1838 – 1918) journalist, historian, academic & novelist
Activities

People often write me and ask how I keep my wood floors so clean when I live with a child and a dog, and my answer is that I use a technique called “Suffering From a Mental Illness.”

(1975 – ) blogger
Health Housework

A truly reckless driver is one who passes you when you are already exceeding the speed limit.

Activities Driving

During the summer I like to go to the beach and make sand castles out of cement, and wait for kids to run by and try to kick them over.

comedian & actor
Activities Children

Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive; last week she learned how to aim it.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Activities Autos Driving Things

My theory on housework is, if the item doesn’t multiply, smell, catch on fire or block the refrigerator door, let it be; no one cares, why should you?

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Activities Housework

He slept more than any other president… Nero fiddled, but Coolidge only snored.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Government Situations Sleep

When the plane you are on is late, the plane you want to transfer to is on time.

Activities Murphy’s Laws Things Time Travel

It was actually easier for me to become a vegetarian – you know, quitting meat – because your friends never show up at your house with a sack of meat.

(1966 – ) American actor, musician & comedian
Activities Drugs Eating Food/Drink

President Bush wants to spend $7 billion this year to fight the drug dealers in Colombia… but they only earn $3 billion a year; so why don't we pay them $4 billion a year not to grow the cocaine?

American comedian & writer
Drugs Money Places

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Activities Travel

I was having difficulty deciding if I wanted to purchase this bed I was looking at, so the salesman told me… sleep on it.

Jewish-American stand-up comedian & writer
Situations Sleep