Subject: Activities (Page 26)

I like to play chess with bald men in the park, although it's hard to find 32 of them.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Activities Situations

I just did some serious cleaning in here; you could totally eat off this table.

Activities

Drugs have taught an entire generation of Americans the metric system.

(1947 – ) author, humorist & satirist
Activities America Drugs Education People

Strip Poker: A game in which the more you lose the more you have to show for it.

Activities Definitions

Golf is the most fun you can have without taking your clothes off.

(1935 – ) Puerto Rican professional golfer
Activities Golf Sports

The only way to make up for being lost is to make record time while you are lost.

Activities Autos Driving Murphy’s Laws

To get back my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet
Activities Age Exercise Young

Whenever I feel the need for exercise I go and lie down for half an hour until the feeling passes.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator
Activities Exercise

Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't.

Murphy’s Laws Shopping Things

No matter which direction you start it’s always against the wind coming back.

Activities Murphy’s Laws

There is no halftime for cheerleaders!

Activities Sports

The strength of the turbulence is directly proportional to the temperature of your coffee.

Activities Murphy’s Laws Travel

Fishing relaxes me. It’s like yoga, except I still get to kill something.

(1970 – ) American actor, writer & carpenter
Activities TV/Movie Quotes

The man has not been born for whom I will iron a shirt.

(1939 – ) English actress
Activities Housework Men

You call this a party? The beer is warm, the women cold and I’m hot under the collar.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Activities TV/Movie Quotes

The last time I drank, I drove into a ditch, which doesn't sound like that big of a deal, but I stopped at the ditch, looked left and right, then drove into the ditch.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Alcohol Autos Driving Situations

Jogging is for people who aren’t intelligent enough to watch television.

(1953 – 2016) British comedian, actress, singer & screenwriter
Activities Exercise

Family reunions are when relatives gather from all over to be reminded why they scattered in the first place.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Activities Family Relationships

I hate when people drive like me.

(1966 – 2011) American stand-up comedian
Autos Driving Situations Things

Follow seven beers with a couple of Scotches and a thimble of good marijuana, and it's funny how sleep just sort of comes on its own.

(1921 – 2001) Welsh comedian & singer
Activities Alcohol Drugs Sleep

Under an assumed name.

(1889 – 1961) Am. playwright, theater director & producer & humorist
Activities