Subject: Activities (Page 27)

I’ve been to almost as many places as my luggage!

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Activities Travel

The only sport where you can spend an arm and a leg to break an arm and a leg. 

(1945 – ) American humorist (co-founder of National Lampoon)
Activities Health Sports

Here we have a game that combines the charm of a Pentagon briefing with the excitement of double-entry bookkeeping.

internet columnist
Activities Games

I’d like to marry a nice domesticated homosexual with a fetish for wiping down Formica and different vacuum-cleaner attachments.

(1960 – ) English comedian, novelist & actress
Housework Marriage Men

The Cocktail Party: A device for paying off obligations to people you don’t want to invite to dinner.

(1916 – 1986) American minister & author
Activities Definitions People

I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in threes.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities People

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali; he was using a dotted line… he caught every other fish.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities Art

Our culture teaches us to buy things we don't need, with money we don't have, to impress people we don't like.

(1946 – 2007) American entrepreneur
Activities Shopping

I’m eighteen years behind on my ironing.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Activities Housework

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Activities

I quit smoking ’cause I want to live, and now that I’m not smoking, I don’t want to live anymore.

comedian
Activities Life

For [my husband], getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Situations Sleep Work

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities Animals

A truly reckless driver is one who passes you when you are already exceeding the speed limit.

Activities Driving

How do you get off of a non-stop flight?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities Things Travel

The one who least wants to play is the one who will win

Activities Games Murphy’s Laws Situations

I donated blood today… that's what I call getting an AIDS test.

(1981 – ) American Comedian
Activities

Fishing: A venerable contest in which modern man pits his intelligence and technology against the native wit of primitive aquatic vertebrates, and generally finishes second.

Activities Definitions

There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.

(1979 – ) American actress, comedian & writer
Activities Sleep

The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Activities Animals

When I was a kid, you ate, and you drank, and you passed out and nobody woke you up and said, 'Let's go shopping.'

(1948 – ) stand-up comedian, actor, author & playwright
Activities Shopping