Subject: Activities (Page 28)

Sucker: Is this a game of chance?

Fields: Not the way I play it, no.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Activities Characteristics Games

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Activities Housework

Today is the first day of the rest of my push-up.

(1951 – ) American author, playwright & lyricist
Activities Exercise

All the rudiments of success in life can be found in ironing a pair of trousers.

British boxing champion
Activities Life Success

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Autos Driving People Things

Some people think I’m high on stage; I would never get high before a show, because, when I’m high, I don’t wanna stand in front of a bunch of people I don’t know.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities Drugs Situations

I like American women; they do things sexually Russian girls never dream of doing… like showering.

(1951 – ) Soviet-American comedian
Activities Places Sex

If you want to know what you’ll look like in ten years, look in the mirror after you’ve run a marathon.

American cardiologist & marathoner
Activities Age Appearance Old

I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in it's holder is a thrill.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Activities Age Old Sex

I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities

I don't need drugs anymore, thank God; I can get the same effect just by standing up real fast.

(1946 – ) American comedian, actor & voice actor
Age Drugs Old

I hate when people drive like me.

(1966 – 2011) American stand-up comedian
Autos Driving Situations Things

The only way to make up for being lost is to make record time while you are lost.

Activities Autos Driving Murphy’s Laws

The one you want is never the one on sale.

Activities Murphy’s Laws Shopping

Childish Games: Those at which your wife beats you.

Activities Definitions Games

Customs is punishment for those who travel.

(1969 – ) American comedian & actor
Activities Travel

No matter what I do, I cannot lose this 18 pounds… I mean I have tried everything short of diet and exercise.

American stand-up comedian
Appearance Body Exercise Fat

Don't cook… don’t clean; no man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Activities Housework Sex

1. If you like it, they don't have it in your size. 2. If you like it and its in your size, it doesn't fit anyway. 3. If you like it and it fits, you can't afford it. 4. If you like it, it fits, and you can afford it, it falls apart the first time you wash it.

Appearance Clothing Murphy’s Laws Shopping

The vehicle in front of you is traveling slower than you are.

Autos Driving Murphy’s Laws Science/Weather

I joined Gamblers Anonymous; they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Activities