Subject: Activities (Page 3)

They've opened up a new casino for people on welfare; when you put a food stamp in the slot machine and it lands on three babies, you win a block of cheese!

comedian & radio personality
Activities

Trust everybody, but cut the cards.

(1867 – 1936) author & humorist
Activities Characteristics Games

I often take exercise; why only yesterday I had breakfast in bed.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet
Activities Exercise

I’ve decided to become gay… not in a sexual way, but I am going to start picking up around the house.

American comedian & actor
Activities Housework

“Belinda Carlisle sings, ‘We dream the same dream' … but I can’t believe that every night Belinda Carlisle has a wet dream about Wilma Flintstone.

(1964 – ) British comedian, novelist & television presenter
Activities Self Sleep

No, I'm not a good shot, but I shoot often.

(1858 – 1919) 26th U.S. president
Activities

At 19 miles, when most runners run out of steam and you hit what they call ‘the wall,’ is the exact moment you cross into the South Bronx; so here, they combine running and fleeing.

(1959 – ) American comedian, comedy writer, actor & author
Exercise Places Sports

Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.

(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor
Health Intelligence Situations Sleep Wealth

I went on a job interview and the lady asked me if I’d pass a drug test; I said, “Yeah, if it’s written.”

American comedian
Drugs Work

I went snorkeling on vacation aka surprise drinking a lot of water through a big straw.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities

Cocktail party: A gathering held to enable forty people to talk about themselves at the same time; the man who remains after the liquor is gone is the host.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Activities Definitions

There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Activities Housework

What do gardeners do when they retire?

(1928 – 2003) English entertainer
Activities

If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised.

(1893 – 1967) writer, humorist & poet
Activities Girls People School Sex

The transatlantic crossing was so rough the only thing that I could keep on my stomach was the first mate.

(1893 – 1967) writer, humorist & poet
Activities Sex Travel

When you are served a meal aboard an aircraft, the aircraft will encounter turbulence.

Activities Eating Food/Drink Murphy’s Laws Travel

Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other large organizations habitually engage in only because they cannot actually masturbate.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Activities People Sex

I do try to fight ignorance and stereotypes and racism with karate – like the Asians do.

(1978 – ) American stand-up comedian
Activities Intelligence

My friend’s snoring is so bad his wife bought one of those anti-snoring devices; I believe it’s called a Taser.

American speaker, humorist & singer-songwriter
Activities Sleep

I gotta quit smoking, doctor’s orders… and the drinking, court orders.

(1965 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
Activities

I was in Connecticut recently… doing white people stuff.

(1982 – ) American comedian, actor, writer & producer
Activities People