Subject: Activities (Page 3)

I love my Fed-Ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he doesn't even know it…and he's always on time.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities Drugs Time

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

(1926 – ) newspaper columnist
Activities Life Sports

You ever go shopping for a really cute, little, sexy black dress – and you come home with an extra-large pepperoni pizza?


Shopping Situations

The one who least wants to play is the one who will win

Activities Games Murphy’s Laws Situations

You might be a redneck if… you see a sign that says "Say No To Crack" and it reminds you to pull your jeans up.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Body Drugs People Rednecks

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

Activities Characteristics Exercise

I have never taken any exercise, except sleeping and resting.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Activities Exercise Sleep

You might be a redneck if… you've ever cut your grass and found a car.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Activities Autos People Rednecks

There are three side effects of acid; enhanced long term memory, decreased short term memory… and I forget the third.


Activities Drugs Intelligence Memory

Grocery list: What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Activities Definitions Shopping

You can't smoke in a restaurant in Los Angeles, which is mildly ironic, when you consider the fact that you can't breathe outside a restaurant in Los Angeles.

(1959 – ) American actor, stand-up comedian & television host
Activities

I’ve decided to become gay… not in a sexual way, but I am going to start picking up around the house.

American comedian & actor
Activities Housework

I’ll never die in my sleep… I don’t sleep that well.

(1889 – 1966) American humorist, writer, illustrator & cartoonist
Activities Death Sleep

Ability is the art of getting credit for all the home runs somebody else hits.

(1890 – 1975) American baseball manager
Activities Baseball Characteristics Sports

The only cultural advantage L.A. has over New York is that you can make a right turn on a red light.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Driving New York City Places

When Mel told his Jewish mother he was marrying an Italian girl, she said: ‘Bring her over; I’ll be in the kitchen—with my head in the oven.‘

(1931 – 2005) American actor
Family Mothers People Travel

Advice to anglers: don't take advice from people with missing fingers.

(1945 – ) American humorist (co-founder of National Lampoon)
Activities People Sports

I was troubled by the presence of a shoe museum because it forced me to ask a very burning question: would my body be able to physically survive the amount of dope I would need to smoke in order to visit a shoe museum?

(1974 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Activities Drugs Situations

Pulled my groin the other day – for about 20 minutes.

(1963 – ) American comedian
Activities Language Sex

There is always more dirty laundry than clean laundry.

Housework Murphy’s Laws

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building… on the ledge.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities Dogs