Subject: Activities (Page 32)

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.

(1926 – ) newspaper columnist
Activities Life Sports

Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Activities Housework

Nothing makes a smoker happier than to see an old person smoking.

(1961 – 1994) comedian
Activities Age Happiness Health Old

I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: eat out.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Eating Food/Drink Housework

I don't jog; if I die I want to be sick.

(1922 – 2002) American college basketball coach
Activities Death

They don't mind after they find out they don't have to study for it.

American football coach
Drugs Football Sports

I used to think about Cindy Crawford; now, I think about leaving dishes in the sink overnight without a war breaking out.

(1965 – 2010) American stand-up comedian & television personality
Housework Marriage Sex

One should always play fairly when one has the winning cards.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet
Activities Characteristics Games

I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth; they didn’t have to make separations for me.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities

He hasn’t an enemy in the world – but all his friends hate him.

(1892 – 1964) singer, dancer, comedian, actor & songwriter
Friends Insults People Shopping

During the summer I like to go to the beach and make sand castles out of cement, and wait for kids to run by and try to kick them over.

comedian & actor
Activities Children

You know how you're going to die, you just don't know when.

comedian
Activities Death Places

Don't cook… don’t clean; no man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Activities Housework Sex

Several members of our youth department are collecting donations for Operation Graduation. Funds will be used for a drug and alcohol party following graduation on May 29th.

Alcohol Church Bulletins Drugs

When I'm driving here I see a sign that says, CAUTION: SMALL CHILDREN PLAYING… I slow down, and then it occurs to me: I'm not afraid of small children.

(1946 – ) American comedian, actor & voice actor
Activities Situations

When the plane you are on is late, the plane you want to transfer to is on time.

Activities Murphy’s Laws Things Time Travel

A friend of mine recently joked that his mobile phone will beat Magnus Carlsen; I said, ‘What are you talking about? My microwave could beat Magnus Carlsen.’

(1965 – ) British chess grandmaster & chess writer
Activities Reviews/Criticism

1. Nothing is ever so bad it can't be made worse by firing the coach. 2. A free agent is anything but. 3. Whatever can go to New York will..

Activities Murphy’s Laws New York City Places Sports

I was in Moldova airport and I went into the duty-free shop – and there wasn’t a duty-free shop.

British football player
Activities Misspokements Travel

When I was on acid, I’d see things like beams of light and I’d hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities Autos Drugs Situations