Subject: Activities (Page 39)

1. Anything done while honking your horn is legal.
2. You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers on.
3. A red light means the next six cars may go through the intersection.

Autos Driving Murphy’s Laws New York City Places

You might be a redneck if… you see a sign that says "Say No To Crack" and it reminds you to pull your jeans up.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Body Drugs People Rednecks

I'm starting to jog, but every time I do jog I have 9-1 pressed into my phone, with the next ‘1’ ready to be launched in case I drop.

(1965 – ) American comedian, actor, writer & producer
Activities Exercise

The word aerobics comes from two Greek words: aero, – meaning “ability to,” and bics, – meaning “withstand tremendous boredom.”

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Activities

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

(1959 – ) Australian writer & television producer
Activities Sleep

But, as my mother used to tell me, two wrongs don't make a right… but I soon figured out that three left turns do.

(1943 – ) U.S. agriculture commissioner, columnist, activist & author
Driving Situations

I swam in the dead sea when it was only critically ill.

(1928 – 2003) English entertainer
Activities Health Places

Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Activities Work

Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
Activities Communication Dance Entertainment Music Speech

Housekeeping ain't no joke.

(1832 – 1888) novelist
Housework Work

I bought a million lottery tickets… I won a dollar.


Activities Money

We have a sock talking at our commencement; it’s kind of upsetting.

Activities

In most places in the country, voting is looked upon as a right and a duty, but in Chicago it’s a sport.

(1932 – 2017) comedian, social activist, critic & writer
Activities Elections/Voting Government Places Sports

If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities Animals Sleep

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

(1899 – 1977) university dean, president & chancellor
Activities Exercise

The worst thing about being a tourist is having other tourists recognize you as a tourist.

(1925 – ) columnist & journalist
Activities People Travel

The score never interested me, only the game.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Activities Games

Nobody ever committed suicide who had a good two-year-old in the barn.

Activities Animals Proverbs

They say the best exercise takes place in the bedroom; I believe it, because that's where I get the most resistance.

comedian
Activities Exercise Sex

I’m a heavy smoker; I go through two lighters a day.

(1961 – 1994) comedian
Activities

You might be a redneck if… the Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Entertainment People Rednecks Shopping Television