Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Activities
(Page 4)
I concentrate on exercises from the waist down, since that is the laziest part of a woman's body.
Tina Louise
(1934 – ) American actress, singer & author
Activities
Exercise
People
Women
My idea of gambling was walking through Central Park, whistling show tunes.
Tommy Tune
(1939 – ) American actor, dancer, singer, producer & choreographer
Activities
Gambling
Homosexuals
I joined Gamblers Anonymous; they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it!
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Activities
Gambling
Gardening: Man’s effort to improve his lot.
Anonymous
Activities
Definitions
Gardening
Nothing makes a fish bigger than almost being caught.
Anonymous
Activities
Honesty
Lies
Exaggerations
Fishing
Flying from the U.S. to Tokyo takes approximately as long as law school.
Dave Barry
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Activities
Places
Time
Flying
Tokyo
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
Erma Bombeck
(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Activities
Sex
Heavy breathing
Jogging
One road trip we were stuck on the runway for seven hours. The plane kept driving and driving until we arrived at the rink and I realized we were on a bus.
Glenn Healy
Canadian hockey player
Hockey
Sports
Travel
On his time in the International Hockey League
Last time I went camping I accidentally borrowed a circus tent.
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities
Situations
Things
Camping
Circus tents
How to be a Drug Dealer
By 673126
Book Titles
Drugs
When I was in college, we did mushrooms and acid… and did I mention acid?
Bill Maher
(1956 – ) comedian, television host, social critic & political commentator
Activities
Drugs
School
Acid
One of the worst things that can happen to you in life is to win a bet on a horse at an early age.
Danny McGoorty
American billiards champion & hustler
Activities
Sports
Betting
Gambling
Horse races
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities
Whistling
Cocktail party: A gathering held to enable forty people to talk about themselves at the same time; the man who remains after the liquor is gone is the host.
Fred Allen
(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Activities
Definitions
Cocktail party
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Will Rogers
(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator
Age
Old
Shopping
I gotta quit smoking, doctor’s orders… and the drinking, court orders.
Dave Attell
(1965 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
Activities
Smoking
All trails have more uphill sections than they have level or downhill sections.
Shedenhelm’s Law of Backpacking
Activities
Murphy’s Laws
Hiking
Trails
Knitted Historical Figures
Jan Messent
Activities
Book Titles
Knitting
Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive; last week she learned how to aim it.
Henny Youngman
(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Activities
Autos
Driving
Things
Wife
Vacation: Two weeks on the sunny sands – and the rest of the year on the financial rocks.
Sam Ewing
(1920 – 2001) American writer & humorist
Activities
Money
Places
Time
Vacation
If you've never seen an elephant ski, then you've never been on acid.
Eddie Izzard
(1962 – ) English stand-up comedian & actor
Activities
Drugs
LSD
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