Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Activities
(Page 4)
Life is something to do when you can’t get to sleep.
Fran Lebowitz
(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Activities
Life
Sleep
There are three side effects of acid; enhanced long term memory, decreased short term memory… and I forget the third.
Dr. Timothy Leary
Activities
Drugs
Intelligence
Memory
LSD
Whenever I go to shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving, so I say, "I'm gonna go shave, too."
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities
Shaving
Jamaican Air – Every flight is the red-eye!
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities
Travel
Motto
Red-eye
A man seldom knows what he can do until he tries to undo what he did.
Pablo Picasso
(1881 – 1973) Spanish painter, sculptor, printmaker & stage designer
Activities
Capabilities
He can’t decide whether to have his visor half open or half closed.
Murray Walker
(1923 – ) English motorsport commentator
Activities
Auto racing
Misspokements
Sports
Visor
In order to live off a garden, you practically have to live in it.
Frank ‘Kin’ Hubbard
(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
Activities
Gardening
Straight down the middle. No hook, no spin, no fuss. Anything more and this becomes figure skating.
Nick Offerman
(1970 – ) American actor, writer & carpenter
Activities
TV/Movie Quotes
As Ron Swanson in “Parks and Recreation”
On bowling
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces… and when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.’
Demetri Martin
(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities
Jigsaw puzzles
1. If you like it, they don't have it in your size. 2. If you like it and its in your size, it doesn't fit anyway. 3. If you like it and it fits, you can't afford it. 4. If you like it, it fits, and you can afford it, it falls apart the first time you wash it.
Hadley's Laws of Clothing Shopping
Appearance
Clothing
Murphy’s Laws
Shopping
Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish… my dreams were broadcast all over the world.
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication
Situations
Sleep
World
Broadcast
Dreams
satellite dish
If you want to know what you’ll look like in ten years, look in the mirror after you’ve run a marathon.
Jack Scaff
American cardiologist & marathoner
Activities
Age
Appearance
Old
Marathon
I used to think about Cindy Crawford; now, I think about leaving dishes in the sink overnight without a war breaking out.
Greg Giraldo
(1965 – 2010) American stand-up comedian & television personality
Housework
Marriage
Sex
Cindy Crawford
Fantasies
I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg… I thought: ‘This could be interesting.’
Paddy Lennox
comedian
Activities
Exercise
Marathon
Running
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" and I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Mistakes
Situations
Sleep
All bridge hands are equally likely, but some are more equally likely than others.
Orwell's Law of Bridge
Activities
Games
Murphy’s Laws
Bridge
Cards
Life is the only game in which the object of the game is to learn the rules.
Ashleigh Brilliant
(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist
Activities
Games
Life
Rules
Insomnia: contagious disease often transmitted from babies to parents.
Anonymous
Activities
Definitions
Sleep
Insomnia
One should always play fairly when one has the winning cards.
Oscar Wilde
(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet
Activities
Characteristics
Games
Honesty
Cards
Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.
Steve Martin
(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
Activities
Communication
Dance
Entertainment
Music
Speech
Architecture
The label "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" means the price went up.
Hershiser's Second Rule
Murphy’s Laws
Shopping
Things
Prices
Page 4 of 41
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