Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
Home
About
Categories
Activities
Age
Animals
Appearance
Beliefs
Characteristics
Communication
Conflict
Death
Education
Emotions
Entertainment
Family
Food/Drink
Government
Health
Intelligence
Life
Marriage
Miscellaneous
Money
People
Places
Problems
Relationships
Science/Weather
Sex
Situations
Sports
Success
Things
Time
Work
Additional Categories
Book Titles
Confucius say
Definitions
Epitaphs
Exaggerations
Expressions
Hollywood Squares
Insults
Last Words
Murphy's Laws
Place Names
Proverbs
Reviews/Criticism
Song Titles
Tom Swifties
TV/Movie Quotes
Oops...
Bushisms
Church Bulletins
Classified Ads
Colemanballs
Headlines
Malaprops
Misspokements
Signs
Translations
Yogi-isms
Some Popular Authors
Abraham Lincoln
Alfred E. Neuman
Ambrose Bierce
Benjamin Franklin
Dave Barry
Demetri Martin
Dorothy Parker
Emo Phillips
George Carlin
Groucho Marx
H.L. Mencken
Homer Simpson
Jeff Foxworthy
Jimmy Carr
Joan Rivers
Mae West
Mark Twain
Mitch Hedberg
Oscar Wilde
Phyllis Diller
Richard Lewis
Rita Rudner
Rodney Dangerfield
Steven Wright
Stewart Francis
W.C. Fields
Will Rogers
Woody Allen
View All Authors
Subject:
Activities
(Page 40)
It (housework) expands to fill the time available plus half an hour: so obviously it is never finished.
Conran's Law of Housework
Housework
Murphy’s Laws
I hate when people drive like me.
Mike DeStefano
(1966 – 2011) American stand-up comedian
Autos
Driving
Situations
Things
Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other large organizations habitually engage in only because they cannot actually masturbate.
Dave Barry
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Activities
People
Sex
Masturbation
Meetings
Organizations
I haven’t slept for ten days… because that would be too long.
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations
Sleep
Time
Ten days
Sleeping Bag: A nap sack.
Anonymous
Activities
Definitions
Sleep
Sleeping Bag
Never go to bed mad… stay up and fight.
Phyllis Diller
(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Activities
Conflict
Fights
Marriage
Sleep
Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day; teach a man to fish and he'll sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Anonymous
Activities
Beer
Food/Drink
Fishing
I love my hunting dog… well I
loved
my hunting dog… I'm not very good at hunting.
Bonnie McFarlane
Canadian-American comedian & writer
Activities
Animals
Dogs
Hunting
I did a sponsored walk once…. in the end, I’d managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.
Jimmy Carr
(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Activities
Charity walk
Jim: Yeah, I did some drugs, though probably not as many as you think. How many drugs do you think I did?Elaine Nardo: A lot.Jim: Wow! Right on the nose!
Christopher Lloyd
(1938 – ) American actor
Activities
Drugs
TV/Movie Quotes
As Jim Ignatowski in “Taxi”
Men can say things in stores women can't believe like, "but I already have a pair of black pants.”
Elayne Boosler
(1952 – ) comedian
Men
People
Shopping
Speech
Women
I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, “Do you want these in a bag?” I said, “Oh, no, man, I juggle.”
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities
Situations
Juggling
I quit smoking ’cause I want to live, and now that I’m not smoking, I don’t want to live anymore.
Gregg Rogell
comedian
Activities
Life
Smoking
My first rule of consumerism is never to buy anything you can’t make your children carry.
Bill Bryson
American author
Activities
Shopping
Consumerism
I try to keep fit; I’ve got these parallel bars at home… I run at them and try to buy a drink from both of them.
Arthur Smith
(1954 – ) English comedian writer
Activities
Alcohol
Exercise
Food/Drink
Parallel bars
For [my husband], getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.
Phyllis Diller
(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Situations
Sleep
Work
Cocaine isn’t habit forming; I should know, I’ve been taking it for years.
Tallulah Bankhead
(1903 – 1968) movie actress
Activities
Drugs
Cocaine
I spent twelve years training for a career that was over in a week; Joe Namath spent one week training for a career that lasted twelve years.
Bruce (Caitlin) Jenner
(1949 – ) American Olympic athlete
Activities
People
Situations
Sports
Joe Namath
Olympics
The race is not always to the swift nor the battle to the strong – but that’s the way to bet.
Runyon's Second Law
Activities
Murphy’s Laws
Sports
Betting
Speed
Strength
The score never interested me, only the game.
Mae West
(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Activities
Games
Score
The label "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" means the price went up.
Hershiser's Second Rule
Murphy’s Laws
Shopping
Things
Prices
Page 40 of 41
« First
« Previous
37
38
39
40
41
Next »