Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Thursday, April 3, 2025
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Subject:
Activities
(Page 40)
In America there are two classes of travel: first class and with children.
Robert Benchley
(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Activities
America
Places
Travel
There ain’t no way to find out why a snorer can’t hear himself snore.
Mark Twain
Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Activities
Sleep
Snoring
How to be a Drug Dealer
By 673126
Book Titles
Drugs
Why would anybody want to go skiing? You could sit in the comfort of you own kitchen and break your knees with a hammer.
Dylan Moran
(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
Activities
Skiing
One time, I got pulled over at four a.m.; I was fined seventy-five dollars for being intoxicated and four-hundred for being with the Phillies.
Bob Uecker
(1935 – ) American baseball player, sportscaster, comedian & actor
Baseball
Driving
Sports
Golf is a good walk spoiled.
Mark Twain
Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Activities
Golf
Sports
Good walk
Spoiled
I buy a dress because I need change for gum.
Rita Rudner
(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Activities
Clothing
Shopping
Anglers think they are divining some primeval natural force by outwitting a fish, a creature that never even got out of the evolutionary starting gate.
Rich Hall
(1954 – ) American comedian, writer & musician
Activities
Animals
Sports
Fishing
Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities
Drugs
Butter
LSD
A British newspaper published a photo of Michael Phelps inhaling from a marijuana pipe; Phelps says he only took one hit, but he held it for three minutes.
Steve Maxwell
(1952 – ) American fitness coach & educator
Activities
Drugs
Marijuana
Michael Phelps
It's like, I hate getting up in the morning, unless it's over and over and over and over again… then I'm good.
Kyle Dunnigan
American comedian & musician
Situations
Sleep
Alarm clock
Snooze button
Golf is the most fun you can have without taking your clothes off.
'Chi Chi' Rodríguez
(1935 – ) Puerto Rican professional golfer
Activities
Golf
Sports
Fun
Never go to bed mad… stay up and fight.
Phyllis Diller
(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Activities
Conflict
Fights
Marriage
Sleep
I’ve been to almost as many places as my luggage!
Bob Hope
(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Activities
Travel
Flying
Millions long for immortality who don’t know what to do on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
Susan Ertz
(1894 – 1985) British fiction writer
Activities
Life
Immortality
You might be a redneck if… you smoked during your wedding.
Jeff Foxworthy
(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Activities
Marriage
People
Rednecks
Smoking
Wedding
People tell me how hard it is to stop smoking; I think it’s about as hard as it is to start flossing.
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities
Flossing
Smoking
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali; he was using a dotted line… he caught every other fish.
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities
Art
Fishing
Salvador Dali
It's been so long since I made love I can't even remember who gets tied up.
Joan Rivers
(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Activities
Sex
Time
When I was on acid, I’d see things like beams of light and I’d hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities
Autos
Drugs
Situations
Acid
Bargain Hunter: One who is often led astray by false profits.
Anonymous
Activities
Definitions
Shopping
Bargain Hunter
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