Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Activities
(Page 40)
Sex is like a game of bridge… if you don't have a good partner, you need a good hand.
Mae West
(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Activities
Games
Sex
(also Woody Allen)
Bridge
Now what I don't get are these people who, instead of buying a four-pack or an eight-pack of toilet paper, they buy the single individual roll; are you trying to quit?
Brian Kiley
comedian
Shopping
Situations
Toilet paper
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities
Synchronized swimmer
There’s no future in time travel.
Anonymous
Activities
Future
Past
Time
Travel
I travel a lot; I hate having my life disrupted by routine.
Caskie Stinnett
(1911 – ) American editor & writer
Activities
Travel
Routine
A kind heart is of little value in chess.
La Rochefoucauld's Law
Activities
Murphy’s Laws
I was thinking of running a marathon, but I think it might be too difficult getting all the roads closed and providing enough water for everyone.
Jordan Brookes
comedian
Activities
Sports
Running
Yoga is basically spending an entire hour trying to not fart.
Whitney Cummings
(1982 – ) American actress & comedian
Activities
Time
Farting
Yoga
The score never interested me, only the game.
Mae West
(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Activities
Games
Score
Work and play are words used to describe the same thing under differing conditions.
Mark Twain
Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Activities
Communication
Language
Work
Conditions
Play
Window Shopping: Eye browsing.
Anonymous
Activities
Definitions
Shopping
Window Shopping
Airline travel is hours of boredom interrupted by moments of stark terror.
Al Boliska
disc jockey, screenwriter & humorist
Activities
Emotions
Fear
Travel
Airlines
Boredom
In most places in the country, voting is looked upon as a right and a duty, but in Chicago it’s a sport.
Dick Gregory
(1932 – 2017) comedian, social activist, critic & writer
Activities
Elections/Voting
Government
Places
Sports
Chicago
I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg… I thought: ‘This could be interesting.’
Paddy Lennox
comedian
Activities
Exercise
Marathon
Running
I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
Billy Connolly
(1942 – ) Scottish comedian, musician & actor
Activities
Places
Things
Travel
Knives
Switzerland
I daydreamed that I was falling and, just before I hit the ground, I fell asleep.
Steve Connelly
comedian
Situations
Sleep
Dreaming
Whatever arrangement you make for the division of household duties, your husband's job will be easier.
Murphy's Third Law for Wives
Housework
Husbands
Murphy’s Laws
Wives
I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
Ronald Reagan
(1911 – 2004) 40th U.S. president & actor
Situations
Sleep
Cabinet meetings
Emergencies
Every closed eye is not sleeping, and every open eye is not seeing.
Bill Cosby
(1937 – ) comedian & television actor
Activities
Sleep
Awareness
“Belinda Carlisle sings, ‘We dream the same dream' … but I can’t believe that every night Belinda Carlisle has a wet dream about Wilma Flintstone.
David Baddiel
(1964 – ) British comedian, novelist & television presenter
Activities
Self
Sleep
Dreams
He dreamed he was eating shredded wheat and woke up to find the mattress half gone.
Fred Allen
(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Food/Drink
Situations
Sleep
Dreams
Shredded wheat
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