Subject: Activities (Page 5)

When you need towns, they are very far apart.

Activities Autos Driving Murphy’s Laws Travel

I live in a two-income household… but who knows how long my mom can keep that up.

Jewish-American stand-up comedian & writer
Family Money Mothers Travel Work

Sinker: Lead weight attached to the end of a length of fishing line to facilitate the speedy disposal of unwanted lures.

Activities Definitions Things

I bought a million lottery tickets… I won a dollar.


Activities Money

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Activities Clothing Sex Things Women

Nothing makes a smoker happier than to see an old person smoking.

(1961 – 1994) comedian
Activities Age Happiness Health Old

Strip Poker: A game in which the more you lose the more you have to show for it.

Activities Definitions

I married a German; every night I dress up as Poland and he invades me.

(1945 – ) singer, actress & comedian
Activities Conflict Places Sex

Hook: Irritating but highly reliable device used to quickly locate the position of one’s thumb at the bottom of a tackle box.

Activities Definitions

Trying to give my kids an education in Los Angeles is a nightmare with the guns, the gangs, the drugs – and I'm home schooling them.

American comedian & writer
Conflict Drugs Education Places

Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.


Activities Alcohol Food/Drink

Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Activities Housework

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping; men invade another country.

(1952 – ) comedian
Eating Men People Shopping War Women

There is only one thing for a man to do who is married to a woman who enjoys spending money, and that is to enjoy earning it.

(1853 – 1937) journalist, writer & editor
Husbands Marriage Shopping Wives

People often write me and ask how I keep my wood floors so clean when I live with a child and a dog, and my answer is that I use a technique called “Suffering From a Mental Illness.”

(1975 – ) blogger
Health Housework

We have a sock talking at our commencement; it’s kind of upsetting.

Activities

All the years this guy did drugs, no one could have slipped him some calcium?

comedian
Activities Drugs Health

Roulette: A wheel that seldom takes a turn for the bettor.

Activities Definitions Games

My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Activities Animals

A family vacation is when you go away with the people you need to get away from.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Activities Relationships

In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.

(1957 – ) American comedian
Activities Family Travel