Subject: Activities (Page 6)

If I have an orgasm, I feel that I have to give six weeks of community service to various charities.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Activities Characteristics Sex

Trying to give my kids an education in Los Angeles is a nightmare with the guns, the gangs, the drugs – and I'm home schooling them.

American comedian & writer
Conflict Drugs Education Places

I come from Calcutta: in the UK you drive on the left of the road, in Calcutta we drive on what is left of the road.

Indian comedian
Activities Driving Places

I grew up in a very large family in a very small house; I never slept alone until after I was married.

(1946 – 1994) writer & humorist
Marriage Situations Sleep

I find apologizing for not having cleaned is easier than cleaning.

(1975 – ) English comedian
Housework

Cocktail party: A gathering held to enable forty people to talk about themselves at the same time; the man who remains after the liquor is gone is the host.

(1895 – 1964) comedian (wife & partner of George Burns)
Activities Definitions

I like to play chess with bald men in the park, although it's hard to find 32 of them.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Activities Situations

Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you.

(1911 – 1999) comedian, author & columnist
Activities Fools Intelligence

I don’t room with him [Babe Ruth]; I room with his suitcase.

professional baseball player
Activities Baseball Misspokements Sports

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: ‘This looks much better on.’… On what?… On fire?

(1954 – ) American actress & comedian
Activities Clothing Shopping Situations Women

All buses heading in the opposite direction drive off the face of the earth and never return.

Activities Murphy’s Laws Travel

Give a man a fish and he has food for a day; teach him how to fish and you can get rid of him forf the entire weekend.


Activities Sports

Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities Drugs

A mediocre player will sink to the level of his or her opposition.

Games Murphy’s Laws Sports

He can’t decide whether to have his visor half open or half closed.

(1923 – ) English motorsport commentator
Activities Auto racing Misspokements Sports

I'm often asked why I travel around the country talking politics: Is it for humanitarian reasons, community spirit, or is it for the money, the limousines or the girls? … The answers are: no, no, yes yes yes!

(1927 – 1997) Am. comedian & satirist notable for mock presidential campaign
Activities Government Politics Travel

Laurie got offended that I used the word “puke” … but to me, that’s what her dinner tasted like.

Activities

A dame that knows the ropes isn't likely to get tied up.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Activities Sex

A truly reckless driver is one who passes you when you are already exceeding the speed limit.

Activities Driving

If you allow someone to get in front of you, you both will have the same destination, and the other car will get the last parking space.

Driving Murphy’s Laws

How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Shopping Situations