Subject: Activities (Page 6)

He hasn’t an enemy in the world – but all his friends hate him.

(1892 – 1964) singer, dancer, comedian, actor & songwriter
Friends Insults People Shopping

If these walls could talk they’d be like ‘damn bitch, you’re back in bed again!?

(1978 – ) American stand-up comedian, actress & writer
Activities Characteristics

Tell him I’ve been too f**king busy – or vice versa.

(1893 – 1967) writer, humorist & poet
Activities Sex Situations Time

A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.

Arms Games Murphy’s Laws Things

I'm not embarrassed going to a drug store anymore to buy a condom; although, the woman behind the counter said, 'Save your money; buy a lottery ticket.'

(1955 – ) American stand-up comedian
Shopping Situations

Customs is punishment for those who travel.

(1969 – ) American comedian & actor
Activities Travel

Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people “the cops.”

(1965 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
Alcohol Autos Driving Food/Drink Things

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

(1924 – 1987) American stand-up ‘deadpan’ comedian and actor
Activities Conflict Fights Hockey Sports

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Characteristics Driving Situations

I grew up in a very large family in a very small house; I never slept alone until after I was married.

(1946 – 1994) writer & humorist
Marriage Situations Sleep

The speed of an oncoming vehicle is directly proportional to the length of the passing zone.

Activities Driving Murphy’s Laws Science/Weather

You might be a redneck if… you see a sign that says "Say No To Crack" and it reminds you to pull your jeans up.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Body Drugs People Rednecks

Smoking cures weight problems… eventually.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities Body Characteristics Death Fat

The customer is always ripe.

Activities Murphy’s Laws Shopping

I am the one in my family who does all the driving, because my husband never learnt to drive… in my opinion.

(1957 – ) British stand-up comedian
Activities Driving

I'm not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Activities Animals Food/Drink

I didn't quit football because I failed a drug test, I failed a test because I was ready to quit football.

American football player
Activities Drugs Football Sports

I was playing chess with my friend and he said ‘Let’s make this more interesting’ … so we stopped playing chess.

(1980 – ) British comedian
Activities Games

The last time I drank, I drove into a ditch, which doesn't sound like that big of a deal, but I stopped at the ditch, looked left and right, then drove into the ditch.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Alcohol Autos Driving Situations

I smoke like a 5-alarm fire.

(1884 – 1933) American saloon keeper, actress & entrepreneur
Activities