Subject: Activities (Page 8)

I daydreamed that I was falling and, just before I hit the ground, I fell asleep.

comedian
Situations Sleep

Have ever played Strip Trivial Pursuit? … what that is… is you, sitting on a chair with no clothes on, feeling fat, watching someone fully clothed beat you at Trivial Pursuit.

(1981 – ) English writer, stand-up comedian & actress
Activities Games

My roommate said to me, 'I'm gonna go shave and use the shower; does anyone need to use the bathroom?' … it's like some weird ass quiz where he reveals the answer first.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Games

Nothing makes a smoker happier than to see an old person smoking.

(1961 – 1994) comedian
Activities Age Happiness Health Old

The strength of the turbulence is directly proportional to the temperature of your coffee.

Activities Murphy’s Laws Travel

President Bush wants to spend $7 billion this year to fight the drug dealers in Colombia… but they only earn $3 billion a year; so why don't we pay them $4 billion a year not to grow the cocaine?

American comedian & writer
Drugs Money Places

I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lb of marshmallows; when I woke up, my pillow was missing.

(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor
Situations Sleep

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one.


Situations Sleep

Never try to guess your wife's size. Just buy her anything marked ‘petite’ and hold on to the receipt.

Appearance Body Clothing Murphy’s Laws Shopping

I was troubled by the presence of a shoe museum because it forced me to ask a very burning question: would my body be able to physically survive the amount of dope I would need to smoke in order to visit a shoe museum?

(1974 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Activities Drugs Situations

I hate when people drive like me.

(1966 – 2011) American stand-up comedian
Autos Driving Situations Things

I used to do drugs; I still do, but I used to, too.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities Drugs Past

The last time I drank, I drove into a ditch, which doesn't sound like that big of a deal, but I stopped at the ditch, looked left and right, then drove into the ditch.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Alcohol Autos Driving Situations

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Children Housework People

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Activities Sex

I got a new shadow… I had to get rid of the other one… it wasn’t doing what I was doing.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities Things

When Mel told his Jewish mother he was marrying an Italian girl, she said: ‘Bring her over; I’ll be in the kitchen—with my head in the oven.‘

(1931 – 2005) American actor
Family Mothers People Travel

I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities Games Health

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day; teach a man to fish and he'll sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Activities Beer Food/Drink

Someone stole my antidepressants; whoever they are, I hope they’re happy.


Activities Drugs