Subject: Activities (Page 9)

The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner.

(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer
Housework Work

It's pretty much a bunch of people who don't live in a trailer park, yet like to vacation there.

comedian
Activities People

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" and I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Mistakes Situations Sleep

I bought a million lottery tickets… I won a dollar.


Activities Money

Roulette: A wheel that seldom takes a turn for the bettor.

Activities Definitions Games

The last time I drank, I drove into a ditch, which doesn't sound like that big of a deal, but I stopped at the ditch, looked left and right, then drove into the ditch.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Alcohol Autos Driving Situations

They should call fishing what it really is… tricking and killing!

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities Animals Language Sports

The driver behind you wants to go five miles per hour faster.

Autos Driving Murphy’s Laws Things

I’m addicted to placebos; I’d give them up, but it wouldn’t make any difference.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities Drugs

Nobody ever committed suicide who had a good two-year-old in the barn.

Activities Animals Proverbs

You might be a redneck if… you've ever cut your grass and found a car.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Activities Autos People Rednecks

The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.

(1910 – 1999) American test pilot (Northrup Aircraft)
Activities

A married friend of mine does that thing where he never goes to bed angry… because every time he and his wife fight, she makes him sleep on the couch.

Jewish-American stand-up comedian & writer
Anger Emotions Marriage Situations Sleep

Dancing is a wonderful training for girls, it’s the first way you learn to guess what a man is going to do before he does it.

(1890 – 1957) author & journalist
Activities Dance Education Girls Men People Women

If fishing is a religion, fly fishing is high church.

(1940 – ) American television journalist & author
Activities

1. Anything done while honking your horn is legal.
2. You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers on.
3. A red light means the next six cars may go through the intersection.

Autos Driving Murphy’s Laws New York City Places

The number of stones in your boot is directly proportional to the number of hours you have been on the trail.

Activities Murphy’s Laws

Jim: Yeah, I did some drugs, though probably not as many as you think. How many drugs do you think I did?

Elaine Nardo: A lot.

Jim: Wow! Right on the nose!

(1938 – ) American actor
Activities Drugs TV/Movie Quotes

I go running when I have to – like when the ice cream truck is going 60, or I need a lift to the bakery.

(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian
Activities Exercise Food/Drink

I’ll never die in my sleep… I don’t sleep that well.

(1889 – 1966) American humorist, writer, illustrator & cartoonist
Activities Death Sleep

I believed in drug testing a long time ago… all through the Sixties I tested everything.

American baseball pitcher
Activities Baseball Drugs Sports