Subject: Activities (Page 9)

When I'm driving here I see a sign that says, CAUTION: SMALL CHILDREN PLAYING… I slow down, and then it occurs to me: I'm not afraid of small children.

(1946 – ) American comedian, actor & voice actor
Activities Situations

If I didn’t wake up, I’d still be sleeping.

(1925 – 2015) baseball player, coach & manager
Situations Sleep Yogi-isms

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

Activities Characteristics Exercise

Sometimes the road is less traveled for a reason.

Activities Proverbs Travel

1. The last gas station for 50 miles will be closed when you get there. 2. At the moment of any departure, the level of gas in your tank depends entirely on how late you are. 3. You only run out of gas after your wife tells you to stop for gas before you run out.

Autos Murphy’s Laws Things Travel

You can find your way across this country using burger joints the way a navigator uses stars.

(1934 – 1997) journalist
Activities America Autos Places Travel

When you look like your passport photo, it’s time to go home.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Activities Appearance Travel

I liked Amsterdam… I spent $2,000 window shopping.

(1957 – ) American comedian
Places Sex Shopping

I like American women; they do things sexually Russian girls never dream of doing… like showering.

(1951 – ) Soviet-American comedian
Activities Places Sex

I like long walks… especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

(1899 – 1973) English playwright, actor, composer, director & songwriter
Activities People

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities Drugs

I go running when I have to – like when the ice cream truck is going 60, or I need a lift to the bakery.

(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian
Activities Exercise Food/Drink

One way to get a real kick out of bridge is to sit opposite your wife.

Activities Games

The game [of poker] exemplifies the worst aspects of capitalism that have made our country so great.

(1920 – 2000) American actor
Activities Games

Pulled my groin the other day – for about 20 minutes.

(1963 – ) American comedian
Activities Language Sex

Drug: A substance that, when injected into a guinea pig, produces a scientific paper.

Activities Definitions Drugs Science/Weather

If God wanted me to bend over, he’d have put diamonds on the floor.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Activities God

Life is something to do when you can’t get to sleep.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Activities Life Sleep

All really grim gardeners possess a keen sense of humus.

(1898 – 1951) Scottish humorist
Activities Wordplay

They should call fishing what it really is… tricking and killing!

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities Animals Language Sports

Identity Thief starts off moronic and then goes downhill.

British broadcaster, writer & film critic
Driving Reviews/Criticism