Subject: Animals » Dogs

Why do I always meet women as I’m leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? … and it’s always on the day I forgot my dog…

(1964 – ) American comedian
Animals Dogs Relationships Situations

The reason I love my dog so much is because when I come home, he’s the only one in the world who treats me like I’m The Beatles.

(1956 – ) comedian, television host, social critic & political commentator
Animals Dogs

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.

(1919 – 2011) American news commentator & writer
Animals Dogs

A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Animals Children Dogs Learning

The dog has seldom been successful in pulling Man up to its level of sagacity, but Man has frequently dragged the dog down to his.

(1894 – 1961) author, cartoonist & humorist
Animals Dogs

Pitbulls are like a gun you can pet.

(1968 – ) American stand-up comedian
Animals Dogs

All bachelors love dogs, and we would love children just as much if they could be taught to retrieve.

(1947 – ) author, humorist & satirist
Animals Dogs

Dogs are forever in the push-up position.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Animals Dogs

I got a new dog… he’s a paranoid retriever; he brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Dogs Wordplay

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; this is the principal difference between dog and man.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Animals Characteristics Dogs People

There are three faithful friends, an old wife, an old dog, and ready money.

(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor
Dogs Friends Money People Wives

Not only is life a bitch, it has puppies.

writer, humorist, columnist & speaker
Animals Dogs Life Situations

Outside of a dog, a book is your best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Age Animals Books Communication Dogs Intelligence Reading/Writing Relationships Situations

Happiness is a warm puppy.

cartoon character in, Peanuts, by Charles Schulz (1922 – 2000)
Animals Dogs Emotions Happiness

Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.

(1709 – 1784) English author, essayist, critic, editor & lexicographer
Animals Dogs

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child; we can’t decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Animals Children Dogs Family

Life is like a dogsled team; if you ain’t the lead dog, the scenery never changes.

(1946 – 1994) writer & humorist
Animals Dogs Life

That dog was so lazy he leaned against a fence to bark.

Animals Characteristics Dogs Expressions

The measure of a bird dog's intelligence can be determined by the length of time it takes to resign yourself to his way of thinking.

Animals Dogs Intelligence Murphy’s Laws

You might be a redneck if… your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Animals Dogs Money People Rednecks Things

My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard and earned an online college degree.

Animals Dogs Education