Subject: Animals » Dogs

My girlfriend’s dog died, so to cheer her up I went out and got her an identical one: She was livid… “What am I going to do with two dead dogs?”

(1973 – ) English writer & stand-up comedian
Animals Dogs Wordplay

That dog was so lazy he leaned against a fence to bark.

Animals Characteristics Dogs Expressions

Outside of a dog, a book is your best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Age Animals Books Communication Dogs Intelligence Reading/Writing Relationships Situations

The man who gets bit twice by the same dog is better adapted for that kind of business than any other.

(1818 – 1885) humorist
Animals Dogs

My parents had to tie a pork chop around my neck so the dog would play with me.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Animals Dogs Family Parents

All bachelors love dogs, and we would love children just as much if they could be taught to retrieve.

(1947 – ) author, humorist & satirist
Animals Dogs

If you want to cure your dog’s bad breath, just pour a little Lavoris in the toilet.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Animals Dogs

I got a new dog… he’s a paranoid retriever; he brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Dogs Wordplay

He that lies down with dogs, shall rise up with fleas.

(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor
Animals Dogs Relationships

How can you tell if a Korean broke into your house?… your dog is missing, and your homework is done.

(1962 – ) American television host, actress & comedian
Animals Dogs People School

When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.

(1941 – 2012) American novelist, producer, screenwriter & director
Animals Children Dogs Family

Get a good dog; we have not picked up food in the kitchen in 15 years.

(1957 – ) American comedian, actor & writer
Animals Dogs

Even a dog knows the difference between being tripped-over and kicked.

Animals Dogs Proverbs

All dogs look up to you; all cats look down to you… only the pig looks at you as an equal.

(1874 – 1965) British prime minister, politician, statesman & orator
Animals Cats Dogs People

She has a face like a saint – a St. Bernard!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Animals Appearance Dogs Ugly

I spilled spot remover on my dog… he’s gone now.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Accidents Animals Dogs Problems

My dog is so old, she now has a lot of cats.

(1964 – ) American comedian
Animals Cats Dogs

I tell ya, my dog is lazy; he don’t chase cars… he sits on the curb and takes down license plate numbers.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Animals Dogs

That’s why they’re man’s best friend… ‘cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are; so do women, but they’ve already got men

(1957 – ) American comedian
Animals Dogs Men People

The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Animals Dogs

No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.

(1890 – 1957) author & journalist
Animals Communication Dogs Intelligence Speech Wisdom